Well, it's not much of a secret, because everyone seems to know. This actor's so fat he's breaking the furniture, and this opera star is flashing her private parts to the audience. That's a secret no one wants to know.

Day three of the Arianna Huffington Unsafe Airplane Blackberry-ing Scandal: in which Ellis Belodoff of Plainview, Long Island recounts how he yelled at the rich lady on her Blackberry, "What is wrong with you?!"

You think anti-smoking regulations are tough in the US? Well, at least you don't have to worry about your home being raided by police with a tobacco sniffer dog, or face five years in prison for having too many cigarettes.

The New York Times has spoken with a friend of alleged Gabrielle Giffords shooter Jared Loughner and discovered some warning signs others should have picked up on. Like: It turns out the suspected would-be assassin... kept a dream journal!

Did allegedly sexy schoolteachers Alini Brito and Cindy Mauro have lesbian sex in a non-lesbian classroom? According to your brain, the New York Post, and a Facebook group, yes! But according to Brito, who's filing a wrongful termination lawsuit... no.

Click to viewPerhaps you've heard of "Phoenix Jones," the "superhero" who patrols the streets of Seattle in a mask and cape, armed with only his wits and a stun gun? Yeah, he got his nose broken by two actual criminals.

Arizona police have turned up more evidence against shooting suspect Jared Loughner, including notes that read "Die, Bitch," "I planned ahead," and "My assassination." Loughner's family also released a statement today, reading in part, "We don't understand why this happened."

What's the most efficient way to dislodge a bullet stuck in your head? By sneezing it out, of course! Which is exactly what one Italian man did over New Year's.

Whoops! Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who's in Yemen for diplomatic talks, fell while getting into a plane today. She's fine, so don't worry! She was probably just drunk. Or maybe she's a klutz like the rest of us.

An anonymous MySpace employee says company executives tricked workers into sweatshop-ish overwork to save the foundering social network, only to turn around and lay half of them off. The executives' supposed real motivation: Getting rich in a MySpace spinoff.

Julian Assange's borrowed rural mansion is uncomfortably distant from court, so the Wikileaks founder got permission to lodge at London media hangout the Frontline Club. Don't worry, Julian: The club's wine racks sound as well stocked as the manse's cellar.

By this time in the last presidential cycles, 14 candidates had declared their presidential runs. But this year, even though there's only one party with a primary field, zero have declared. What gives? The Internet demands entertainment!

On the Today Show this morning a child actor named Reed Alexander cooked a little meal with Kathie Lee and Hoda and it was... curious. Curious how easily this 16-year-old boy fits in with ladies of a certain age. Observe.

Donny Deutsch, the narcissistic ad man and Douche of the Decade candidate who you just can't get away from on TV, has a new show coming on Bravo that casts him as a "relationship expert." Sure, why not? [via Adfreak]

A Kansas City woman was arrested last night when police arrived at her home and found her husband shot in the genitals. One of two things must have happened, but both scenarios are pretty atrocious.

Scientists in London took samples from busy ATMs and nearby toilets and discovered they have the same type and amount of bacteria. Either people are wiping with dollar bills or they aren't washing their hands. I'm sticking to credit cards.

Arizona's government is fast-tracking a bill today that would make it illegal to protest or picket within 300 feet of funerals. It's a direct response to the Westboro Baptist idiots' plan to protest murdered 9-year-old Christina Green's funeral on Thursday.

Well, if you're applying to Princeton at least. Also today: Fox's dinosaur show has its launch date, two old friends return to Middle Earth, '90s actors are making good, and a new ABC show sounds bitchy.

Nouriel Roubini—the fameball economist and "Joe Francis of Pessimism Porn" who predicted the Great Recession—is putting his TriBeCa party pad on the rental market. Sadly, the walls have been shorn of the plaster vulvas that once adorned them.

Pamela Geller, the bored white lady who dedicated her time to haranguing against the "Ground Zero Mosque," is now calling on her fellow oafs to protest the mosque during the upcoming City Council hearings on the proposed NYC Wal-Mart. What?