The internet is all a flutter about the students who got caught on camera having sex on top of a building at USC. Gossip sites and internet comments (we all know how reliable those are) name the guy as Kappa Sigma member Kasey Carpenter, and this isn't the first time he was on film.

The Central Intelligence Agency is a fundamentally lawless organization that secretly influences events around the globe on behalf of the U.S. It turns out Obama has deployed its agents to Libya, and for some reason liberals are up in arms about it.

Thanks to Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX), one of the most widely debunked, and far-out conspiracy theories about the health care law found its way into the Congressional Record late Wednesday — with a twist.

What kind of a guy goes on a safari in Zimbabwe to shoot "problem elephants," then makes a graphic video about it, set to a dramatic Animal Planet-style soundtrack? Bob Parsons: former Marine, self-made millionaire, GoDaddy CEO.

JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon, the princess of Wall Street, is venting again about the ignorant public and regulators whose "misconceptions" are blocking them from seeing the glory and perfection that comes with a fully unregulated financial services sector.

Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Candice Swanepoel went to a Victoria's Secret event yesterday and made the fatal mistake of bending over. Now the blogosphere is "shocked" that she is "scarily, skeletally, stick-thin!" But is she any thinner than the size she has been rewarded for being, for years?

The Royal Palace tells People that there will only be one ring at the Wedding Extravaganza of the Century next month, per the couple's wishes. Yes, no wedding band for Prince Willie. What do you think that means?

Ceaseless couponing behemoth Groupon has provoked serious grumbling lately as businesses wake up to the fact that these deals may not be in their best interests. Today: business owners who've used Groupon speak!

The last time we saw Harry Potter on the White Way, he was stark naked (talk about white!), running around and jumping up and down. Yup. This time, in How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying, he's wearing suits and... running around and jumping up and down! In dance form. If you're curious about what this curious sight looks like, but can't shell out the approximately $3,000,000 that a ticket costs these days, here is some b-roll video of the Boy Who Lived in action. He's cute! Not great, but cute. [via Popeater]

And with a sputter and whir Top Chef: Tippity Tippity to the Tip Tip Top and You Don't Stop All Stiggity Star edition came to a close. As is often the case, it came down to a duel between pride and prejudice, head and heart, sense and sensibility, eggs and bacon, and a boring schmo and a human cankle.

Poor three-year-old Jesse here can't stop sobbing in the car ride home, because people keep telling him that he's too small to be governor of New Jersey. By current New Jersey gubernatorial size standards, he is absolutely too small. But can't somebody make an exception? This passionate kid is volunteering to be governor of New Jersey, one of the worst jobs in America. Maybe he can temporarily fill in the next time Sandwiches runs off to Disney World. [via Buzzfeed]

The recently fired chief operating officer of fashion label Marc Jacobs International has sued his boss for, among other things, making employees look at gay porn and perform pole dances. If true, these allegations could rock the staid, buttoned-down world of fashion.

And the party comes to an end: After losing an estimated $100 million/year in endorsements and another $100 million in his divorce settlement, Tiger Woods is selling his yacht. "Privacy," the 155-foot vessel Tiger reportedly used as a hideaway during the fallout from his cheating scandal, is on the market for $25 million.

Bill Gates does a lot of good stuff with his foundation these days. But is it all a coverup for his Machiavellian (Zuckerbergian?) ways? A new memoir by Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen reveals that Gates contemplated stiffing him because he thought he wasn't pulling his weight... right after he'd been treated for cancer.

Vitaliy Sulzhik bought a can of Monster Energy at his local supermarket and drank it. Then, according to MSNBC, this happened:

It's beyond all comprehension that a professional event planner in Washington, D.C. would offer seven minutes of freestyle standup comedy time, as the official entertainment for a black-tie banquet, to Arizona Rep. Ben Quayle, son of the former vice president and penman of Scottsdale's richest pornographic tales. And yet that's exactly what happened last night at the annual Congressional Correspondents' Dinner. Our old pal Ben Quayle, whose generic facial expression is that of a concussed deer in the highbeams, actually attempted standup comedy. And the poor guy couldn't even land the free laugh that is a "Politico sucks" joke.

Well! That was nice. Last night's Elton John-themed extravaganza had most of our singtestants in top form, blaring out smooth '70s and '80s roller disco music of the sort that one might actually want to listen to in their own private time.

Winter always sucks. (Those of you who don't think that winter always sucks: we believe you'll still agree with the following sentence.) But this past winter has especially sucked. Let us count the ways:

Judge Judy is hospitalized after a bizarre on-camera ramble. Vanilla Ice becomes a mime. Lindsay Lohan looks for an apartment in New York. Thursday gossip is in recovery.

Microsoft has just filed its first antitrust complaint, in the EU against Google. Let's try to get past the obvious fact that this is like Lady Gaga complaining that someone dresses weird and rips off Madonna while she hurls stones out of a glass house. This is important stuff. It could determine which massive tech corporation controls all of our data in the dystopian future!