Citizens United, the conservative production company behind ACLU: At War With America, the Tea Party Trilogy, and the permanent destruction of the last trace of democracy in America, has put together its latest DVD dealy starring Newt and Callista Gingrich! A City Upon The Hill: The Spirit of American Exceptionalism also features cameos from Andrew Breitbart, Michele Bachmann, and incoming president for life, Donald Trump. It's about how lovely this country is and why liberals don't get that and want to make it more like the evil socialist countries in Yurp. Newt doesn't do full frontal, but there's definitely some nip action. [via Ben Smith]

If you're a lawyer for one of the 170 or so remaining detainees at Guantanamo Bay, you're probably happy that Wikileaks has finally dropped the classified case files for each defendant showing just how spurious, thin, and ludicrous much of the evidence against them is. That sort of information could come in handy for a trial or tribunal. Too bad it's classified, and therefore, according to the Justice Department, can't be used in court unless we say so nanny-nanny-boo-boo.

Last night's episode of Upstairs, Upstairs was all about comic and dramatic misunderstandings, about canards and ruses, trickery and tomfoolery. Typical episode!

Phoebe Snow, known for her '70s hit "Poetry Man," as well as singing many well-known jingles and theme songs and her frequent appearances on Howard Stern, died today from complications from a brain hemorrhage she suffered last year. It's a rough day for female vocalists.

According to the CDC, close to a quarter of strains of gonorrhea in America were resistant to penicillin and other commonly used antibiotics in 2009. In 2010, some strains were also resistant to all drugs doctors have to treat the clap. Will a great clap plague kill us all? Here's the New York Daily News' summary of the "catastrophic" possibilities:

The fallout from Nic Cage's night of drunken thrashing continues. Robert Pattinson's fear of clowns is actually quite reasonable. Charlie Sheen has terrible body odor. Some actress bitchslaps Paris Hilton on Twitter. Here's your Tuesday gossip.

This actress would rather her producers think the reason she can't work is due to a family scandal than to a serious illness. This actress stayed a virgin until marriage. And this actress will do drugs just about anywhere.

Think whatever you want about NBC's Law & Order franchise. I know it has its adherents. But I think it's a gross, stupidly written collection of shows that passes off profound human suffering as casual entertainment. Every time I accidentally stumble onto it, some five-year-old is playing with Legos and describing how he was recently raped, while Ice-T and Richard Belzer make wisecracks in the background. How is this acceptable? It isn't.

So everyone is saying that the last typewriters have left the assembly line, and no new typewriters will ever be produced. It's not true.

On Saturday night's episode of Britain's Got Talent, the audience was treated to the most pleasantly unexpected piece of nostalgia they'd witnessed in awhile when 35-year-old schoolteacher Edward Reid took the stage to perform a dramatic medley of nursery rhymes we all grew to love as kids. If this doesn't make you smile, then nothing will.

Do you have Game of Thrones fever? You aren't alone. We're just two episodes into HBO's new fantasy series, and its intricate tale of dwarves, direwolves, and doggy-styling has already earned it a passionate following. In fact, one fan feels so strongly about it, he's currently sitting in jail.

If you've kept tabs on the Report for the past six weeks or so, you'd know that Stephen Colbert gave up Catholicism for Lent. (At one point, he'd even converted to Judaism.) Tonight, though, Colbert—hangover sunglasses and all—admitted that, despite his best efforts to stay away from the Pontiff over Easter weekend, he'd pulled him back in.

The Daily Show returned from hiatus tonight with a segment about the fact that Donald Trump is currently atop the polls ranking potential 2012 Republican presidential candidates. Using archived footage from previous electoral cycles, Jon Stewart quickly—and bitingly—dismissed any notion that pre-primary political polls mean jack shit.

Palin-impregnator Levi Johnston has not been in the news much lately, so it's lucky he's got a big announcement: The father of Sarah Palin's grandchild is writing a tell-all! "Levi is going to talk about everybody," manager Tank Johnson says. Everybody, like everybody in the whole world? (What a long book that would be!) Alas, no, it seems Johnson means the Palin family ("Sarah Palin, and the rest of the family—Bristol too"), and that it will have "good stuff," like "exclusive photos." Time will tell if Johnston can fit book-writing in to his busy schedule: He turns 21 on May 6, and he is, we believe, still running for Mayor of Wasilla. Also, he has a kid. Trint? Trodd? Or whatever? [Radar Online; Us Magazine]

Attention, Florida! Do you recognize the man in the video above? The police would like a word with him, regarding how he peed on the cough drops at the Walgreens in Sanford. And, Florida, while we have your attention:

In February, Rhode Island State Rep. Robert Watson said that his state had its priorities right "if you are a Guatemalan gay man who likes to gamble and smokes marijuana." Big surprise: He just got busted for marijuana possession.

Anonymity is dying online, hemmed in by online ID schemes and Facebook's colonization of the net. But there's one place you can still pretend to be basically anyone: the "Ask Me Anything" section of the popular message board Reddit.

Pediatric socialists! E-cigarette regulation! Prostate testosterone! Antidepressant painkillers! Obese teens! Prescription take-backs! Young strokes! Natural allergies! And amazing acupuncture in Afghanistan! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with no regulation whatsoever!

Rev. Franklin Graham, son of Billy Graham, believes the Apocalypse is nigh, which means Jesus' second coming could happen any day now. How will we know when the second coming happens? The same way we know every time Miley Cyrus forgets her panties: We will see it on Twitter.

The Guardian has a big fat profile of MSNBC's Rachel Maddow today and the most interesting part is that she basically tells every news anchor who isn't out of the closet to just tell the world already. Yeah, that means you, Andy Coop.