Last week, the GOOP-itrix herself, Gwyneth Paltrow, appeared on the Graham Norton Show (which is like The Tonight Show if Jay Leno was Irish, gay, and actually funny). She rapped. Yes, she did the first few lines of the NWA classic "Straight out of Compton."

Never let it be said that the persistence of a few crazy fanatics can't change the world: a proposal to ban male circumcision (for minors, only!) has officially been placed on the ballot in San Francisco. They did it, the crazy, crazy, crazy bastards! I guess when you take a step back and see the forest for the trees from 30,000 feet, the real lesson in all this is, "If you want to be assured of the right to have a doctor cut the foreskin off your baby's penis and you live in San Francisco, push that baby out before November or else go to a different city to have the baby, or else go to some back-alley circumcisionist."

Fellas: you know how it is, right? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. You come home from a long day at work, stretch out on the couch with a cold one—and all of a sudden, it's "Honey, can you help me clean up?"

Two towns in Massachusetts are trying to ban Lazy Cakes, a "relaxation brownie," because excesss amount of melatonin in the baked (hehe, get it?) good made some kids sick. This whole thing is really stupid.

Sure has been a shit week for Newt Gingrich! The presidential candidate, for whom we're coming dangerously close to feeling sympathy, has been attacked from the left for stupid racist murmurs, from the right for hurting Rep. Paul Ryan's fee-fees, and from some guy with a glitterbomb, just because. Also, his Tiffany's expenses are now public information. Tiffany's, shoppe of the silvered class? Well, his personal jewelry charge account isn't really pertinent, but laugh if it makes you other debt-enslaved psychopaths feel good.

Remember when the Prince of England married that party supply heiress and the whole world was watching? Well after that Wills and Kate disappeared to go honeymooning in the Seychelles, and now there are some glamorous deets about the trip.

If you want Facebook to spend millions of dollars hiring you, it helps to be a talented engineer, as the New York Times today suggests. But it also helps to carouse with Facebook honchos, invite them to your dad's Mediterranean party palace, and get them introduced to your father's venture capital pals, like Sam Lessin did.

If you were rich and famous and had a movie to promote, you would be in the south of France right now basking in the sun and strolling down the red carpet in a couture creation. But you're not. You're reading this on the internet somewhere. Because we're jealous, let's all make fun of the stars who are there, shall we?

College professors hate when their students are distracted by laptops in class so much that it occasionally results in assault charges. Some professors have gone so far as to spy on their students to figure out what they're up to on their computers.

Looking for new ways to stymy your appetite? Try the FDA's Food Defect Action Levels Handbook, a great new diet book guide for food distributors and inspectors. It details exactly how many maggots a comestible good may contain before it gets banned for "aesthetic" reasons, i.e., "being too icky."

Debbie Georgatos doesn't release "campaign ads" in her quest for the leadership of Dallas County's Republican party. She releases films. Epic two-minuters that challenge our very perceptions of reality, with images: Little elephants flopping around while being blasted with hoses, Charlie Chaplin's surreal critiques of Fordist industrialism, wormholes and super-massive black holes, shattered Detroit buildings from Hell. All of this, and all backed by her meditations on Dallas County becoming a "super-massive blue hole," sans Republicans, until the end of time. This is basically Terrence Malick's new movie.

We Americans are trying to face the important issues to this country, but the Obama campaign only seems interested in perpetuating Silly Season. These carnival barkers are now selling limited edition "Made in the USA" tee shirts featuring images of the president's birth certificate on the back.

Yes, there are some things in life that are apparently too exotic to ever covet: a golden ticket, an oompa-loompa, and three good episodes of Glee in a row. Last night's wasn't just a bad episode, it might have been the worst.

Botox Mom Kerry Campbell (who might not be "Kerry Campbell" at all, but a multi-named mystery chupacabra of indeterminate origin) has returned to The Sun, the publication where her insanity spree began, to apologize for shooting botulism into her 8-year-old daughter's face, then bragging about it on TV.

International man of idiocy (and occasionally brilliant filmmaking) Lars von Trier is at Cannes promoting his new movie Melancholia, and at a recent press conference the Danish director went off the rails with a weird diatribe about his Nazi sympathies.

Sure, it's a thinly-veiled promo for disaster preparedness, but we can't help but be comforted by the CDC's blog post "Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse." Turns out they know exactly what to do in the likely event of a zombie invasion.

As the gossip hurricane rages on, Maria Shriver stands brave and resolute with her friend Oprah. Meanwhile, the Grammers are having a custody dispute, a Tiger Woods mistress is telling stories, and Kirk Cameron is not Stephen Hawking.

This stage mom is always trying to make a buck off her famous daughter, including selling racy photos of her. This Cannes juror is spending too much time partying. And this big name actor is Scientology's most recent victim. Damn, why couldn't he just have had a naked photo scandal?

20,000 Oprah Winfrey zealots filled Chicago's United Center on Tuesday night for the taping of a two-part farewell spectacular that will air on May 23rd and 24th. It was billed as a "night of surprises," but, like Oprah, I hate surprises. So here's a list of everyone who showed up, as exhaustively docutweeted by The Hollywood Reporter:

This morning, Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted to fathering a love child with a former household staffer, a secret he kept from the world for more than a decade. And despite his best efforts to avoid discussing the topic on tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert couldn't help but be drawn in by the story's scintillating details.