Tonight, VH1 premieres Couples Therapy (9 pm ET), a series from the creators of Celebrity Rehab that will trade drug-withdrawal seizures for sex-withdrawal whining. Ah, the lighter side of dysfunction. As is VH1 custom, the cast is full of persons of meh-trest like Linda Hogan and the man who's 29 years her junior that she calls love (Charlie Hill), perpetually returning trash lady Angelina Pivarnick (Jersey Shore) and her dude Chris Nirschel (The Next Food Network Star), some Bachelor/ette alums who aren't content to be undone by those shows' curse (Vienna Girardi and Kasey Kahl) and some gays (The A-List's Reichen Lehmkuhl and Rodiney Santiago).

Soda sales here in the U.S. of A were down again last year. We're back down to—get this—1996 levels of soda consumption.

Was there a brawl on St. Patrick's day at a McDonald's? Why are you even asking? [NYP]

Breitbart.com guy and Human Events editor-at-large Jason Mattera is " D.C.'s Bad Boy Reporter," and what says "bad boy" more than ambushing U2 frontman Bono for a "gotcha" interview about U2's taxes? Ha ha, except that Mattera actually ambushed a Bono impersonator, which may be why he couldn't really answer questions about U2's taxes:

Here is what the word "urban" means: "of, pertaining to, or designating a city or town; living in a city; characteristic of or accustomed to cities; citified." Here is what the word "urban" does not, in fact, mean: "black person." Let's all do our part to keep this straight.

Attention, non sportfan readers of Gawker.com: famous sport ball thrower Tim Tebow will render his athletic services unto the New York Jets, a corporate grouping of professional American football sportsmen, in the coming season. The New York Jets now have two quarter-back postion employees: accused rapist Mark "Sanchize" Sanchez and aggressively anti-choice part-time mohel Tim Tebow. Both have appeared in GQ.

A year ago, pervy American Apparel founder Dov Charney was sued for a quarter of a billion dollars (ha) by Irene Morales, a former employee who claimed that he forced her to have sex with him in exchange for her employment at AA. After she filed her suit, a whole bunch of X-rated text messages and photos (see pic, for example) that she sent to Charney became public, seriously undermining her case.

Jason Russell, the filmmaker behind the KONY 2012 video, has been diagnosed with reactive psychosis following an incident where he was detained for publicly masturbating near Sea World, according to a statement from his wife, Danica Russell:

Joe Biden, in character as always, made a terrible joke about lubrication yesterday at the White House reception for Irish prime minster Enda Kenny. It's not even funny in its un-funniness, really; it's just kind of... bad:

Whenever the first snow falls, or the first hot day of summer strikes, or when the heat gives way to autumn's crisp air, or when the chill of winter finally breaks for spring, or just when there isn't shit happening in the world, the Paper of Record published one of its trademark "weather stories." This is not simply a report on the day's weather; it is a report on the day's weather masquerading as a news story.

Legendary dipshit Gene Simmons is taking KISS and Motley Crue on tour. What's that going to be like? Take it away, Gene:

Online dating behemoths Match.com, eHarmony and Spark Networks (which operates JDate and the less buzzword-y ChristianMingle) issued a joint statement Tuesday pledging action to protect users from sexual predators and financial scammers.

Wendy's ended Burger King's 40-year reign as America's number two-selling hamburger chain in 2011, CNNMoney reports.

Ever a Slytherin, Harry Potter actor Jamie Waylett has been sentenced to two years in jail for his participation in last summer's London riots.

Last week, 14 law firm workers were fired, apparently, for wearing orange shirts in an orange-shirt free environment.

Somehow under the impression that people don't spend 100% of their time holding, looking at, or anxious because they are not holding and looking at their cell phones, Nokia has filed a patent for a message-alert skin tattoo that could make the old "My phone was set to silent," excuse a thing of the past.

There is a certain percentage of the population that objects to giving their kids vaccinations, because of stuff like Jesus, some book, Jenny McCarthy, whatever. You know, crazy people. Fine, in isolated instances. But when the crazy people reach a critical mass, we all die.

Hey, non-white Americans: Are You Ready for Some Nascar™? You will be exclaiming ¡si! as soon as Nascar gets this big new multimillion-dollar ad campaign underway. The folks at Nascar have big plans to "attract a multicultural fan base (specifically among Hispanics)."

We must admit that we will never ever tire of directing your attention to the accumulation of evidence that "law school" is, by and large, a massive fraud perpetrated upon society's most overacquisitive young driftabouts, and one whose effect is to turn out a massive class of highly indebted functionaries whose skill set is not only undeveloped to the point of worthlessness, but that, when developed, is, for the most part, detrimental to the function of justice. The fact that law school's popularity is crumbling away as the magnitude of the systemic scam becomes ever more apparent can only be taken as a redeeming ray of hope for the future of our nation's collective critical thinking skills.

Since you're reading this site while you should be doing something more productive, chances are that you're the kind of self-proclaimed "internet-savvy" media consumer who said to yourself last year, "Hey, I don't care that the New York Times started an online paywall, because it comes with 20 free articles per month, and besides, it's full of easy holes for an internet-savvy consumer such as myself!"