You might want to take an extra swig or two of brew for this next one — it's a doozy. Let's start with the basics: Jamyi J. Witch is a 52-year-old Wiccan minister, who, in 2001, was hired by Wisconsin's Oshkosh Correctional Institution to be their first ever Wiccan prison chaplain. It was indeed a controversial hiring, and perhaps a byproduct of the Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone mania that was sweeping the nation at the time. Got all that? Good. Now hop onto your broomsticks and flash-forward to Aug. 10, 2011.

On Tuesday morning, two gruesomely mutilated bodies were discovered in the Mexican border city of Nuevo Laredo, hanging from a pedestrian bridge. Next to the bodies were signs, one of which read "This will happen to all the internet snitches. Be warned, we've got our eye on you. Signed, Z "

In what some called a sort of a Jew d'Etat, Republican Bob Turner defeated Democrat David Weprin yesterday in a special election to fill the empty congressional seat in New York's Anthony Weiner-stained 9th district. Turner's win represented the end of an 88-year hold on the seat by Democrats in a district where they outnumber Republicans three-to-one. And while there are a few theories floating around as to what caused the tidal shift, Jon Stewart had a firm grip on one in particular on tonight's Daily Show.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation doesn't have a great relationship with the American Muslim community. Maybe because the agency is teaching its employees that even mainstream Muslims are violent terrorist sympathizers?

On tonight's AC360, Anderson Cooper punished himself for being too into himself by putting himself on his own Ridiculist and then claiming his vanity explosion was the result of his obsession with his brand new Madame Tussauds wax figure. Said Cooper: "This is about nothing more than my love for sweet, pasty imitation flesh—and yes, I look forward to that line being taken out of context." Oh Andy, it was my pleasure!

Gender categories on Australian passports have now been expanded to include "indeterminate," to be marked as "X," so long as a doctor's statement is provided. Looks like at least one country paid attention in Gender and Human Sexuality sophomore year!

It sure seems unlikely that David Petraeus, the married director of the C.I.A., would be seducing Taiwanese engineers on Skype in order to cash his, uh, paychecks from the NATO operation in Libya, doesn't it? But try telling that to Liu Shuzhen, who is pretty insistent that she and Petraeus are getting married, any day now.

In 2008, Kanye West loved Comedy Central's Crank Yankers so much that it inspired him to film the pilot for a hip-hop puppet variety show called Alligator Boots, but the episode never made it to air. After watching this recently discovered behind-the-scenes footage—which includes Stormtrooper Kanye acting on his Star Wars role playing fantasy with Kim Kardashian as Princess Leia and a puppet named Beary White—you'll wish it had. [via NYM]

You know when you get into an unfamiliar city for some stupid work thing and you're desperately trying to remember who you know who lives there? That apparently happened with 23-year-old Marine veteran Dakota Meyer, whose "stupid work thing" tomorrow is "being awarded the Medal of Honor." So he did what any self-respecting living Medal of Honor recipient would (there have only been two since Vietnam): He called the president.

Meet Larry Dominick, Town President of Cicero, Ill., former home of Al Capone. (That's Larry in the striped shirt above.) Larry—like several of his predecessors—is in some trouble with the law. The woman who used to run the town's animal shelter has accused him of sexual harassment.

A new feature from Facebook lets you authorize non friends to "subscribe" to your profile , creating your own personal army of groupies. It's sort of like putting your Facebook into "Twitter" mode, with all the excitement and terror such a combination implies.

America's national embarrassment will continue to take over our lands and townships with another song. Also today: bad news for Anderson, decent news for Sarah, and great news for twentysomethings.

The curious case of Michaele Salahi, the White House party crasher and one-time Real Housewife whose husband reported her missing, possibly kidnapped, this morning, seems to have been solved.

Brit Sean Duffy will serve 18 weeks behind bars for mocking deceased girls. The 25-year-old liked to taunt grieving families on Facebook and parody the victims on YouTube. His actions reportedly led one teen to overdose on drugs.

Pain measurement! Pyromania analysis! NASA rocket! Hefty bacteria! Galaxy shapes! Hot summer! Murderous bird! Flying snails! And scientists playing with hoses for fake experiments! It's your Wednesday Science Watch, where we watch science—in agony!

It's a time-honored tradition for reports at gay newspapers or magazines to ask straight celebrities, "If you played for the other team, who would you want to sleep with?" It's like that will make them slightly more gay or something. But everyone seems to have a celebrity they want to bone who is not of the gender they usually bone. Who's yours?

Here's a trailer for We Bought a Zoo, Cameron Crowe's based-on-a-true-story tale of a single father who, well, up and buys a damn zoo. It's a family repair drama and one that, based on this trailer, doesn't skimp on schmaltz.

A gang of people are poor. We know that for sure. But economists can't agree on just how we should measure who's officially Living in Poverty. Well, hmm.

It's a sad inevitability. No matter how hard you try, how accurately you plan, how much you control what you eat, it's going to happen at some point: you will have to poop at work. It's where the biological meets the professional and it's always, pardon the expression, a shit show. Let's try to make it easier, shall we?

Federal prosecutors just jumped into a long running slapfight between eBay and Craigslist over how the former acquired a stake in the latter. As it turns out, they're on Craigslist's side: They've opened a criminal probe into whether eBay executives used their ownership to illicitly obtain competitive information.