You'd think Today hosts Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb and Jersey Shore cast members (and 6-Hour Energy hucksters) Deena and Sammi would all get along really well because they're all crazy, booze-soaked ladies with unnatural hair and seven layers of make up. You would be wrong.

It's time to check in on the doin's at Target, the Union-Busting Big Box Store with the marginally more upscale reputation than the other Union-Busting Big Box Store. How is Target screwing employees today? By firing them, for working too much.

Cyberwar was nearly cyberdeclared during America's engagement in the Libyan conflict. We are entering a new, dangerous cyberfuture of cyberness. Cyber your cybers, everyone.

This former child star's father thought it was time that her body got more, um, womanly. This actor doesn't like to be called by his character's name, this Glee star likes to set up castmates, and this director and actress have been having an affair for 20 years, ever since they were young—and without fake boobs.

Dwayne Kennedy has been in prison in California since 1990. Last year, he was finally granted parole. He was so very happy! He borrowed another inmate's contraband cell phone to call his family. "We were crying and praying" with joy, his sister says. And then?

A few weeks ago, we were all shocked to learn for the very first time that the NYPD harbors some racists. Well, it's worse than we thought; some police will apparently lie about being racist. Police... lying? That's not legal!

Be sure to send a congratulatory greeting card and $5 to your friend Bank of America, which has just posted third-quarter profits higher than last year's. About $6.23 billion! Not a bad showing. However, J.P. Morgan Chase & Co. has surpassed them in assets, so those upcoming debit card fees are still necessary if you want Bank of America to stay in business and keep producing jobs.

The enlightening Tumblr Teenage Mutant Ninja Noses reveals a fact heretofore unknown to us: that every nose has the power to become a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle head. Your nose, my nose, Justin Bieber's nose, and Usher's nose—everybody's nose. Together we are one.

Women don't just wear high-heels because we're suckers who will do anything for a man's attention, but because high-heels possess orgasmic potential, says would-be red-bottomed sole monopolist Christian Louboutin. Also, women are "happy to wear painful shoes," because our shoes help us express ourselves. At least one libido-pain shoe expert agrees.

Whether you're seeking a new source of inspiration or just in need of some perspective, Wesley Warren Jr. has got what probably got what you need. But do you have what Wesley Warren Jr. needs? Uh, that would be $1 million to purchase the corrective procedure he needs to make his scrotum normal-sized again.

Next week, the BBC will debut a series about animal life in the Arctic and Antarctic called Frozen Planet. In this preview clip, male members of an Adelie penguin colony in Antarctica gather stones to build nests while competing for lady penguins in the process. But as you'll see, not all of them do it honestly.

To hear the Telegraph tell it, there's almost no doubt as to what befell Stefan Ramin, a 40-year-old yachtsman from Hamburg, Germany, who disappeared in September on the remote isle of Nuku Hiva in French Polynesia: He was eaten by cannibals!

Britney Spears hasn't shown much of a wild side in the past three years, at least in public. But her music videos are as risqué as ever, as you'll see in this new Bonnie and Clyde-inspired one for "Criminal," which features Spears and real-life boyfriend Jason Trawick being quite felonious in the very few moments they're not busy having sex.

Despite the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell, the Marine Corps still fails to recognize gay and lesbian marriages as "real" marriages. For Marine Cpl. Ashley Vice and her civilian partner, Jaime Murphy, that meant they would not be eligible for the $1,200-a-month housing allowance made available to straight married Marines.

The 2011 World Scrabble Championships in Warsaw were thrown momentarily into chaos when a 25-year-old Thai player, Chollapat Itthi-Aree, accused opponent Ed Martin, a 35-year-old IT-consultant from London, of palming a missing "G" tile. Itthi-Aree demanded judges accompany Martin to the bathroom and strip-search him, but they refused. Martin won the game by a single point.

With the U.S. unemployment rate holding steady at 9.1%, people are desperate for any kind of work. That's why Florida state legislator Ritch Workman submitted a bill earlier this month that would repeal the state's ban on dwarf-tossing, freeing up jobs for aerodynamic little people across the Sunshine State. While many have dismissed Workman's bill as both offensive and impractical, he picked up some A-list support tonight when Stephen Colbert laid out the case for re-legalizing "shorty shotput."

KFC made headlines last year with the "Double Down," which was like a grilled cheese, except with fried chicken instead of bread. Oh, and bacon. But that was 2010! The fast food chain's latest heart attack-ready meal? The "Cheesy Bacon Bowl," which improves upon the existing mush of fried chicken, cheese, corn, and mashed potatoes with gravy known as the "Famous Bowl," and adds a bunch of bacon. Because screw your stupid arteries. [via Eater]

A heated confrontation Monday night between Occupy Wall Street protesters and the NYPD was defused through the help of some civil rights star power: Rev. Jesse Jackson.

Jon Stewart was on vacation last week, so on tonight's Daily Show, he caught on up on all the important Occupy Wall Street news he missed while he was away, including the spread of the protests across the globe, the movement's recent round of fundraising, and, yes, that photo of a protester defecating on a police car. Stewart's recap—and his advice to protesters—is above.

We missed the Michele Bachmann/Donald Trump joint "tele-townhall" this evening, because it was a Michele Bachmann/Donald Trump joint "tele-townhall." But maybe we made the wrong decision, because it sounds like it was a trip.