Much-anticipated Wahlberg brother burger shop Wahlburgers is now open for business. Specialties include Wahlburgers for grownups, Smahlburgers for kids, and Stray Dogs for people who want to make hotdog penis jokes.

Eight NYPD officers were charged today with agreeing to smuggle 22 illegal guns into the city in exchange for cash. Turns out it was an FBI sting operation. As are most illegal plots. You fools.

When the hordes of little tykes dolled up like Dora the Explorer and Spider-Man and whatever other licensed character costumes their parents bought for them at Target show up at your door this Halloween, know that you are being judged. No, it's not on your costume or your synced light show on your house. They're judging you on the treats you put in their bags.

What a great comedy ad that Herman Cain's campaign released yesterday, right? It's heartwarming to see one of these old, grizzled campaign hands, in this case chief of staff Mark Block, finally getting in front of the camera in his own element: Smoking a cigarette outside some building. Then there's terrible music, Herman Cain gradually smiling over the course of 10 seconds, the works. It's strange and exciting, effectiveness aside! And yet the image of this man smoking left many political writers somewhere between confused and horrified. What does the cigarette "mean"? It's today's hot topic.

It's been apparent for a number of years now that—due to widespread demographic and economic trends—the suburbs, once the idyllic home to upper middle class members and aspirants, are becoming the new slums. How's that trend developing? Just fine, thank you.

Netflix shares are down about 35 percent today after the online movie company warned of subscriber defections and mounting costs. This is getting sad.

The life of Jenna Lyons—the J. Crew creative director who drove conservative idiots to madness by daring to paint her son's toenails pink—has either turned into a full-blown culture war nightmare, or the inspiration for a quirky/heartbreaking indie film.

When producer/singer Ryan Leslie had his laptop stolen on tour in Germany last October, he offered a $1 million reward. But the guy who found it says he still hasn't paid up, and now he's suing for $1 million.

Color of Change, the activist group whose highly effective advertiser boycott against Glenn Beck was the beginning of the end of his tenure at Fox News, is calling on MSNBC to fire Pat Buchanan.

Shit ton isn't a scientific measure, but it can be used to describe the 104 bricks of coke that Leo Sharp, an 87-year-old Indiana resident, was busted with in Michigan. This is like a real life Breaking Bad.

Public transportation in New York is about to get even better and demonstrably worse all at the same time. While the TLC is cutting down on cabbies honking their horns, the MTA is ditching the trash cans in subway stops. Man, this is going to get messy.

We can blame this one on Silicon Valley, folks. The outfit San Franciscans for Jobs and Good Government, an independent group led by Silicon Valley "angel investor" Ron Conway and propped up with Sean Parker's cash, has released this take on MC Hammer's "2 Legit 2 Quit" to support the campaign of San Francisco Mayor Ed Lee.

Everyone has been waiting to see what the Scotland Yard's inquest into Amy Winehouse's death finds, and the Yard is finally done with writing the report. But—oops!—they mailed it to the wrong address by accident.

If you didn't start stockpiling canned goods when Ashton Kutcher somehow became a respected tech investor, you have another chance: Leonardo DiCaprio is now the latest pretty actor to put his money into an unprofitable startup.

Is there is a relationship between Michele Bachmann's fingernails and her political significance? It seems that as Michele's popularity fluctuates, so too do the size and heft of her signature French tips. Come, let us embark on an exhaustive analysis of Michele Bachmann's cuticles, because, why not?

Amanda Confer met her boyfriend, Randell Peterson, on a Pennsylvania bus and had sex with him in front of everyone, including Confer's infant daughter and one of Peterson's fellow prison inmates. Yup, you heard that right.

Anonymous appears to be gathering steam for an attack to "destroy" Fox News on November 5th, for its propaganda against the Occupy Wall Street protest. As awful as Fox News is, this is a very dumb idea.

You want to read about Rick Perry's fun new flat tax plan? Well let's see then... ah, this should do: "The five biggest questions about Rick Perry's tax plan." Now let's move on to the more topical Perry business of the day: This funny old campaign ad of his from the mid-1990s, where he's running around some sausage factory.

A rotten tooth John Lennon had removed in the '60s hits the auction block next week. The reserve price has been set at $16,000. NBC New York reports:

I've got news for you: everything you're doing to keep yourself healthy is worthless. Well, by "you" I mean "people who do yoga and take vitamins and generally try to be healthy." I know you just sit around on the internet all day. The point is: it doesn't matter, because you're wasting your time either way.