Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis recently had a baby and gave it a dumb name (Wyatt Isabelle). On Conan last night, Ashton unsurprisingly revealed he thinks he's killing it in the Dad Department.

Pop taught me how to play catch and swing a bat. Soon after, he signed me up for little league, and then signed himself up to manage my team. Teammates called him Coach Richard, but to my sister and I he was always Pop. That was how our mother referred to him in the beginning of their relationship, after learning Pop was the nickname Richard was given during his days as an air traffic controller. She meant it as a term of endearment; my sister and I meant it as a title. Pop was our way of calling Richard dad without actually using the word.

My father — an old lion of a man — would bark, "They don't give a fuck about you," any time I called a rapper, athlete or actor a "beast" for their artistic or athletic feats.

“Is this Matt the Hat?” A pet-name from my childhood.

The father of Edward Snowden sent a letter to the Justice Department on Thursday, laying out a series of arrangements that he believes would convince his son to give himself up to the United States (not that he's talked to his son about these proposals).

According to the Daily Mail, "Britain's most feckless father" is a 34-year-old unemployed man who has already produced 15 babies to 13 different ladies, and has two more babies on the way. His name: Jamie Cumming. Commence Beavis and Butthead-style chuckling.

To end these terrible falsehoods about fatherhood once and for all, beloved boy wonder Justin Bieber will give up some of his sacred DNA and (presumably) prove stuntwoman Mariah Yeater to be a trouble-making lying-liar-lady. The test will take place in two weeks, TMZ reports. It won't be broadcast live on pay-per-view for only $49.95, we're pretty sure.

The European Union Court of Justice has ruled that working fathers in Spain are entitled to two "breastfeeding" breaks throughout the day, just like mothers. What they'll do during these breaks is anyone's guess. Probably drink beer and watch sports.

Children of anonymous sperm donors are lobbying for legislation to ban men from spilling their seed without giving up their identities, so they'll be easier to track down. Related: potential fathers imagining needy teenagers drives sperm donation to all-time low.

Are men capable of dealing with a child's poop? Despite strong warnings from wise men that only women have the inborn baby poop-handling gene, Pampers is now trying to pawn off its dirty product on fathers. They're not doing well.

Just when you think Maury has run out of angles for paternity shows, he goes and dazzles us again. Ptorsha and the Black Albino are his guests, and also the title of an unpublished Roald Dahl book.

Today brings the joyous news that ovary-shaking Idol demigod Clay Aiken has become a father to a healthy baby boy through the miracle of cutting edge fertilization techniques (the specs of how it was all accomplished are available here, if you care). In honor of this most improbable celebrity parenthood, we thought we'd compare and contrast Clay's siring achievement to that of another unlikely new dad, Matthew McConaughey: