With the simultaneous release of covers stories trumpeting the plight of Britney Spears' two young sons [Ed.note—Weren't there three at one point? Maybe she left one in the Bellagio on her last trip to Vegas. Pls. research.] in progressive-parenting journals Us Weekly and Life & Style, an air-raid siren has been sounded at the headquarters of California Child Protective Services, and a van full of baby-repossession officers immediately dispatched to the Spears residence to investigate explosive charges of infant over-juicing, toddler teeth-whitening, and high-end real estate squatting.