As a connoisseur of fine yogurt, you can approach life in one of two ways: get bogged down in the muck of inferior yogurt trench warfare, or you can put on your headphones and settle in with some quality yogurt—because brother, life is too short for bad curdles.

Bad yogurt manufacturer Chobani will be the official Greek yogurt provider for America’s federal school lunch program. Appropriate. For children, Chobani; for adults, Fage; and for society’s most respected heroes, Noosa. Don’t waste the good stuff on kids.

Hamdi Ulukaya, the recently demoted CEO of garbage yogurt company Chobani, is now focusing his efforts on “developing new products like Flips, a yogurt with toppings on the side.” The only way that could be a more blatant ripoff of Fage would be if Chobani also tasted good.

Greece: a proud nation. A nation with a long history (Socrates???). An unpretentious nation that supports itself by exporting a single brilliant idea: Greek yogurt. We hate to see the Proud Greek People viciously assaulted by xenophic corporate propaganda.

The Yogurt Wars continue to descend to previously unimaginable depths of depravity. Now Yoplait is touting the fact that it is tastier than Chobani. Fine. Dog poop may be more toothsome than cow shit, but at least it has the decency not to crow about it.

Whole Foods says it will stop selling bottom-of-the-milk-barrel Greek yogurt brand Chobani in order to make room for yogurts that "are organic, or don't contain genetically modified ingredients." Yeah. And that don't taste like paste. Please, eat the right kind of Greek yogurt in 2014.

Chobani CEO Hamdi Ulukaya is called "the Steve Jobs of yogurt." Yeah, the Steve Jobs of garbage yogurt.

I've never been to Greece, or to one of those "fancy" grocery stores, but that doesn't stop me from being an expert on Greek yogurt, excluding the kinds actually made in Greece and the kinds sold in "fancy" grocery stores. Real American Greek yogurt, is what I'm talking about. And if there's one thing I know besides Real American Greek yogurt, it's that Americans do not know what kind of Greek yogurt they should be eating.