He would have been my first, I suppose—a Korean student at some other school in Beijing's Wudaokou university district.

From time to time on Gawker we stop to look at what Gwyneth Paltrow is eating. It's a lot! Though, like most people who seek comfort in bad foods, it does not cure her problems. She is still very angry.

It looks like America-hating, tax-cheating, model-banging Italian restaurateur Giuseppe Cipriani is mounting a reinvasion of New York City after spending a year in exile in the wake of his family's spectacular meltdown.

In the "They don't make em like this any more" category: foreign correspondent, dapper author, and WWII Allied spy Paul Hofmann is dead at the age of 96. He outlived Hitler by 63 years.

It goes without saying that we will not be in Beijing to cover the Olympics. Furthermore, we've never been to Beijing, and our Olympic experience is limited to one pair of first-round tickets to see the Dream Team crush Kyrgyzstan or somebody in Atlanta in 1996. None of this precludes us from rounding up all of the information on the Internet in order to tell the media that actually is covering the Olympics in Beijing how to do its job. So listen up! Don't be just another sap writing about Michael Phelps while being beaten by Chinese police. After the jump, the only guide to covering the wondrous 2008 Olympics you will ever need: