Recent DNA analysis by anthropologists, archaeologists, and geneticists shows that Europeans of 5,000 years ago were "more darkly pigmented" than today's Europeans. Who can say for sure? [Photo: AP]

A vial of holy blood belonging to the dead pope John Paul II was stolen from a tiny church in the mountains east of Rome, and an Italian anti-occult organization says the blood was likely taken for Satanic rituals.

Those precious Scandinavians, with their reputations for probity and craftsmanship and good working order. Do not be fooled. Behind the veil of Scandinavian tidiness lies a region rife with DEBT ADDICTS.

The Swiss really know how to kick us when we're down — while our congress is busy shutting itself down because it's run by soulless opportunists, the Swiss people have gathered enough signatures to force a referendum on whether they should guarantee $2800 in monthly income for all adults.

America, as a nation, is as drunk as it's been in a long, long time. We are seriously fucked up. We have a problem. It was bad enough when we were guzzling mouthwash and rubbing alcohol. Now, we've turned to something even more revolting: "whipped cream vodka."

Two of the Russian photographers who illegally scaled the Great Pyramid of Giza back in March (scroll down for the photos) have taken their what-the-hell-do-they-think-they're-doing act on the road—to Europe!

In the middle of the European Renaissance, these fantastic skeleton gods were being constructed in the bowels of Europe's Catholic churches. Los Angeles art historian and photographer Paul Koudounaris found these secret saints in catacombs and storage bins across the old Holy Roman Empire.

"The average height of European males increased by an unprecedented 11 cm between the mid-nineteenth century and 1980." Who needs an empire, when you're tall?

Goofus—the European countries that spent like drunken sailors and then saw everything evaporate in the recession— is so depressed he can't even get around to having a baby. But Gallant— the countries that were relative models of fiscal rectitude— has no trouble making babies, if you know what we mean.

Once upon a time in the Good Old Days, "Europe" was a sophisticated land across the sea full of jazz musicians and sexually adventurous women, and all of them were smoking cigarettes sexily like there was no tomorrow. Those days are dead now. Europe is on its way to becoming just another sanitized smokeless place that sells chocolates.

European students are unclear on the concept of plagiarism.

The beloved 850-year-old cathedral on Île de la Cité is closed after a man reportedly shot himself inside the historic tourist trap visited by 12 million people a year. The man was an anti-gay marriage fanatic.

The U.S. of A got some great economic news this week: our national deficit is way smaller than expected (for the moment)! Hey, Europe, how are you guys doing over there? *snickers* Good? No?

A retired couple in Italy killed themselves Friday after they saw their pensions evaporate and their quality of life plummet as Italy (and Europe as a whole) continues to experience deep economic recession and stagnation.

A late-night agreement between European finance ministers and the government of Cyprus will keep Cyprus in the eurozone and bail out the struggling island nation—by levying an enormous one-time tax on the biggest deposits in one of its banks. Under the deal, the Cyprus Popular Bank, or Laiki, will be divided into a "good" bank and a "bad" bank; the Goofus will be slowly wound down and closed while the Gallant will be folded into the country's largest bank, Bank of Cyprus. Deposits of over 100,000 euros in both banks will be subject to a haircut of as much as 30 percent—but unlike last week's controversial proposed plan, this deal will not tax smaller depositors. The Cyprus bailout deal has been difficult to reach for a variety of reasons, chief among them the country's desire to preserve its banking sector, the engine of its economy, and the eurozone's desire to punish the Russian oligarchs widely believed to be the largest depositors in Cyprus' banks. ("In my view, the stealing of what has already been stolen continues," Russian President Dmitri Medvedev said in response to the latest deal.) This bailout agreement should allow Cyprus to (sort of) remain in the eurozone (against the wishes of the majority of its citizens; "luckily," no one in Cyprus is voting on the package) and eventually recover its banking income without directly taking money from the little guy—but years of enforced austerity will hurt him just as badly. No one's happy. At least they're less unhappy than they were last week? [Telegraph | QZ | Reuters]

Which country on earth parties harder than any other country? YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE ABOVE HEADLINE.

Nestlé, the largest food company on the planet, announced today that it's recalling some of the beef pasta meals it sells in Spain and Italy. The reason? The "beef" contains horse DNA. And Nestlé's not the only company. Nearly all of the U.K.'s biggest supermarkets and many of their suppliers have been forced to remove horse meat fraudulently labeled as beef from the shelves as more and more companies are implicated in the widening scandal. Where's the horse meat coming from? How is it getting into the beef? Has the United States' supply been compromised? We've got the answers.

Europe, an expensive overseas cooking school populated by pussies, is still busy finding ever more outrageous ways to offend American sensibilities. First, it was the whole WWII thing, which we had to go straighten out ourselves. Then there was Monty Python. (Was he making fun of us? I think he was making fun of us.) And now, these Eurotrash types are too good to buy cars, all of a sudden.

We've received word that the Rihanna plane, currently carrying over 200 journalists and fans, and also Rihanna, has landed safely in Stockholm. Sources tell us that it's "dark" and "feels weird."

In Spain, some banks have stopped evicting some broke homeowners, following multiple suicides. Spain is now full of formerly middle class homeowners adapting to newfound homelessness. In debt-wracked Greece, an austerity budget has yet to produce hope. Things are so bad in Portugal that citizens are fleeing for the more promising shores of Mozambique. Germany, Europe's only savior, is facing its own economic slowdown. A possible source of relief is hard to find. In Japan, a recession looms.