American emo kids who think they have it rough should take note of this story out of Iraq: at least 14 young people have been stoned to death over the past three weeks, apparently for wearing "emo" clothes and haircuts.

A full-blown panic over emo music has taken hold of the Armenian capital of Yerevan, after a 15-year-old "emo" kid committed suicide. The Chief of Police warns that kids being into emo music will somehow produce a generation of mutants.

The internet is full of many fantastic, amazing things—this is not one of them. Inside, the Family Matters theme song gets a sad and pathetic remake as Sick Animation's Marc M. sings over his acoustic guitar.

The recently-unveiled Nao robot, seen here demonstrating its superior dance skills, is the first robot in the world that can "develop and display emotions"—including sadness, happiness, fright, and, hopefully, guilt, which could prevent it from killing us all.

There's a new subculture popping up in all over schools across the nation, it's called "emo" and it could potentially be lethal to your child's health. Is your child "emo?" What you need to know below.

A show about depressed industrial workers ruled by a unfunny megalomaniac is headed for its natural demographic — Russians. The BBC has just sold Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant's mega-hit sitcom The Office to the country, which plans to adapt its own version as over 70 other countries have already done. (Slave labor being the high concept that unites us all). This might give Slavic fans of Belle and Sebastian something to do with their free time now that the Russian state legislature has decided to outlaw emo. The reason? Unlike anything else you might associate with the land of nihilism and revolution, it "encourages anti-social behaviour and glorifies suicide." [Guardian, NME]

So the Times didn't like it. Whatever. I'm still DVR'ing the latest Disney Channel musical teenybomp crapfest Camp Rock because, well, I love that stuff. Yes. I am a (slightly shameful) fan of High School Musical and its silly sequel. As I hope you're well aware by now, I have a minor obsession with Gossip Girl. It's a slightly embarrassing truth: my tastes never evolved past fifteen. Well, OK, that's not exactly true. I mean I love the good, challenging stuff. I like weirdo avant garde plays and Terrence Malick movies and I love a good Frontline, but I also lurrrve Degrassi. I'm not exactly sure why some part of my brain still lingers in the dim, echoing halls of high school, but it does. And even though people make fun of me for it (I believe my esteemed boss's words were "ha, freak"), I think it's OK.

Just in case he hadn't officially lost all his "punk" cred already, Pete Wentz has successfully sealed the deal by getting engaged to lip sync queen Ashlee Simpson. And proving they're the ultimate modern couple, Ashlee made the announcement via (of all things) the website friendsorenemies.com in a post last night: "Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged...We consider this to be a very private matter, and we wanted to be the first to tell you." Why exactly a "very private matter" is the sort of thing one willingly announces in the form of a blog post is beyond us, but one issue Pete feels more than comfortable discussing is his love of cross-dressing. As the bassist told Fox News recently,

Emo kids, those overly made-up, mopey fans of overwrought post-punk music, are annoying. But do they really deserve to be hunted down and beaten? Because that's exactly what's been happening to them in Mexico. Reports Exclaim, "the violence began March 7, when an estimated 800 young people poured into the Mexican city of Queretaro's main plaza 'hunting' for emo kids to pummel. Then the following weekend similar violence occurred in Mexico City at the Glorieta de Insurgents, a central gathering space for emos." Click for the video of violent anti-emo mobs! (Don't worry, they're fighting back with rainbow banners.)

Emo apologist blogger Miss Modern Age renounces Fall Out Boy, mostly because Pete Wentz is a tw... a twit! [The Modern Age]

"As Mr. Candiloro adjusted settings at the console, Mr. Adams stood at the microphone, played a blistering riff and screeched a placeholder vocal: 'This is where the verse is gonna go/And it's gonna be emo.'" Ha, really? [NYT]

Some disturbing news about "a teen phenomenon sweeping the nation. It's something we found most teens know about, but few parents had any clue of. It's called EMO CULTURE," and the crack investigative team from Utah's ABC affiliate is all over it. Fear for your children, people.

To celebrate the release of Everybody Hurts: An Essential Guide to Emo Culture, we went deep into the gurgling heart of emo culture last night: Pete Wentz's Angels and Kings bar. Not wanting to stand out like an un-Emo sore thumb, we got some help putting on some guyliner—following Pete's example!

Perhaps because they couldn't find enough bars in the East Village with skinny annoying emo kids in them, the lads from Fall Out Boy are planning on opening a bar at 11th and A. The shame about the whole thing is is that whatever satirical details we try to come up with to underscore the lameness of the endeavor have already been enacted by the band themselves. Come up with a lame name? Okay, "Angels and Kings"! How about decorate the place with the most banal and obvious musical icons? "[The bar] will be decorated with mug shots of Sid Vicious and Johnny Cash." Foiled again! Okay, how about this: Name the drinks after song names by the band themselves? "Drink specials may be tied to their song names"? Sadly, yes. The bar is set to open April 30th, and to close July 18. Probably when the bartender overdoses on Ativan in the parking lot of a Best Buy in Chicago and starts talking about himself in the third person. —josh

We conclude our coverage of the VMAs with a look at the coifs and tonsures that make us realize this is truly the best of all possible worlds. Warning: Do not look directly at images.