Now that we have officially entered the "hot as hell" portion of the year, it's time for a certain type of elitist East Coast male to begin his annual smear campaign targeted at the wearing of shorts by men. Who will be brave enough to stand up for the righteousness of the shorts-wearing man? We will.
Monsanto is a $58 billion multinational Pesticide-'n-Frankenfood corporation that has moved on from selling Agent Orange to its new business of patenting actual seed genomes and then suing farmers who try to grow crops without paying the Monsanto corporation. Who could be opposed to such a thing. Only the elites, clearly.
Tyler Brule is the publisher of high-fashion design magazine Wallpaper and of Monocle, that beacon of "lifestyle sensuality and gaywad uptightness" that could be viewed as either the world's most pretentious or (incorrectly) most inspiring magazine. It sure is something. Though not a lifestyle magazine.
There was a time when Italians lived in Manhattan's "Little Italy." A long time ago. Now, it's just an area called "Nolita" full of rich people and expensive "boutiques" and the Gawker Media offices, and the only real Italian connection left is the annual Feast of San Gennaro, a horrible week-long street fair featuring fried food and seedy carnival games and lots of the same crappy vendors you see at every street fair in NYC, which represents the "true spirit of Italy" about as much as Chef Boyardee.
SoHo House, why're you so cruel? The Manhattan country club thriving on envy of an "elite" membership will crack down on violators of their draconian policies/culture eugenics! Suits are neit wanted. Neither are real books, which they intend to imprison.
Oh no, the Obamas are inspiring class warfare in DC! Elite private school attendees are mocking other elite private school attendees, and it's all because of little Malia and Sasha!
A while back, Hillary Clinton supporter Lady Lynn Forester de Rothschild announced her support of John McCain. De Rothschild—whose title and name, keep in mind, is Lady Lynn Forester de Rothschild—said Barack Obama was too elitist. Then, the lifelong Democrat wrote a column about how Obama's plan to raise the top marginal tax rate 4% was American Dream-destroying Communazism. So, as an idiot with no understanding of policy or ideology beyond identity politics, it's understandable that de Rothschild is on the TV defending fellow idiot Sarah Palin. John McCain's hail mary attempt to woo women voters by selecting a disastrously unqualified and wrongheaded running mate with an all-important vagina worked on precisely one woman, Lady Lynn Forester de Rothschild.
Prominent Hillary Clinton supporter Lynn Forester de Rothschild, of the noted international finance and banking Rothschilds, recently endorsed John McCain because Barack Obama was, in her words, too "elitist." How elitist is he? He is so elitist, he would like to raise the marginal tax rate the highest brackets pay by four percent, to 39%. This is elitist socialism. Elitist socialism that leads to free money for elitist non-tax-paying poor people. As Rothschild points out at the Huffington Post today:
The line on Sarah Palin's $150,000 shopping spree is that it, uh, hurts her blue collar cred. It's not very "Joe the Plumber" to spend more than three times the median American household income on a month's worth of clothes from elitist high-end stores. The woman's Real American authenticity has been her best asset, but that huge number, those receipts, the stores, all of those shocked everyone. Because she still looks exactly the same! Which is why this story isn't as simple as it's been painted. She's not beer heiress Cindy McCain pretending to be a woman of the people (which Cindy has obviously never done)—Palin was handed a blank check to go shopping, and she shopped exactly like a typical upper-middle class suburban mom would've shopped. And all the criticisms of her shopping are actually elitist! Seriously! Always hilarious Washington Post fashion critic Robin Givhan wrote all about Sarah Palin's "exceptionally ordinary" style just last month.
Oh, hey, people of The South! The New York Times might like to hire you as a stringer/researcher/ admin/journalistic sharecropper! But please remember: This is an elite newspaper for the elitist elites in fancy New York, so please no redneck type people. To help ensure you are not a hick, the Times has asked you to pre-pitch five stories NOT involving anything the Times has ever covered before (you do take the Times right? It's only $665 per year in trashy zip codes!), and also NOT about cliché things only of interest to the poors: "Please do not submit ideas concerning dog fights, cock fights, or the Confederate flag." Anyway, if you do get the job, you'll be rewarded with good pay and creative freedom. Ha ha, just kidding, you'll tackle "light administrative duties" and also "the pay is very modest," but at least you'll learn how to talk right, and the money will probably go a long way in your shantytown or whatever. Full job listing after the jump!
Starbucks just unveiled a special rewards program, offering free refills and wireless internet for its most loyal addicts. But this isn't enough for Times columnist Ron Lieber, who considers himself a very special, lucrative customer and who has a list of demands. He would like his own special, shorter lines and a special VIP seating section with Aeron chairs and reserved electrical outlets. He would like to be invited to exclusive parties. And everyone else would like his head on a platter. Again.
Now that he's the presumptive nominee, Barack Obama no longer has to attract voters with meaningless pleasantries and promises of ponies. No, now he's free to switch to real talk. No bullshit. At his Saturday rally in Oregon, Obama told the United States to stop whining and go on a goddamn diet: "We can't drive our SUVs and eat as much as we want and keep our homes on 72 degrees at all times ... and then just expect that other countries are going to say OK," he said. But we want to drive around eating corn all day! Can we at least continue criticizing your wife for hating America? Apparently not, as we learned on Good Morning America. Clip of that attached.
Wondering what will happen in tomorrow's Pennsylvania primary? You could look to national trends or polls of likely Pennsylvania voters. Or you could make like NBC and only poll the important voters of Pennsylvania: gun-owners, bowlers, and, yes, beer-drinkers. Nothing proves that you understand the working class like reinforcing a cartoon stereotype of blue-collar life! Of course the bowlers and gun-owners don't care for Obama. The beer-drinkers, though, are split. They should've specified domestic beer-drinkers, we're sure the Obama votes are coming from import snobs. Guzzling Kölsch and eating caviar! Elitists!
Last week (or a century ago), Barack Obama got in a bunch of trouble for making a "gaffe", which is a inside joke/cliche word political journalists use when a candidate accidentally (and inelegantly) says something he or she actually believes, and then the journalists beat up on the candidate for a month or so over it. His gaffe was that he said white blue-collar people seek solace in cultural identifiers like religion and guns when the economy fails them. Regardless of whether you find that to be a condescending notion, it seems harder to argue with his statement that these voters are "bitter," because everyone in America is "bitter" these days. Still, it became known as "bittergate," and it topped the headlines last week just as Hillary's snipergate did the week before. Obama is an elitist, we were told, over and over and over again. Elitist! And latte-sipping! Someone (Dowd?) probably called him "effete," too. After a full week of hammering this point home, that Obama is elitist, Hillary pulled ahead of Obama in the national polls for the first time in months, finally. She pulled ahead one point, on Saturday. And on Sunday, Obama was back ahead by 2. Pennsylvania's primaries are tomorrow (FINALLY THANK JESUS) but they won't solve this horrible horrible mess.
