You always knew deep down that one day you would be best friends with the cast of Happy Endings. You were positive. Well guess what, you can't and you won't be friends with them because they already know they don't like you.
You hoped it was over, but Rebecca Black's moment will go on. Also today: Lincoln finds his wife, Nickelodeon shows both old and new receive some good news, a new ABC show receives some bad news, and Ellen Page is headed to be neurotic in Rome.
Happy Canada Day, everyone! How should we all celebrate? By trying to kick oot (ha!) all the Canadians that make life unbearable. There's more of them you think, and here are the ones we wouldn't mind sending home.
"Real Housewife" Jill Zarin turns 46 today. Ben Stiller is turning 44. Actor Gael García Bernal is 31. Writer/director David Mamet is 62. Model Chanel Iman is turning 20. Director Ridley Scott is turning 72. TV legend Dick Clark turns 80 today. Billy Idol is 54. Elisha Cuthbert, the actress and ex-girlfriend of Sean Avery, is 27. Actress Amy Ryan turns 40. Performance artist Marina Abramovic is 63. Retired NFL and MLB star Bo Jackson turns 47. Watergate burglar-turned-radio host G. Gordon Liddy is 79. Clay Aiken is turning 31. And Joan Ganz Cooney, the Sesame Street creator, wife of billionaire financier Pete Peterson, and step-grandmother to PC Peterson, is 80.
With the holidays now officially upon us, we can think of no more festive activity than gathering around Elisha Cuthbert, dousing her arm in lighter fluid, and setting it ablaze.
· Most Powerful Tween on the Planet Miley Cyrus manages to finagle her way out her billion-year Disney contract for one magical evening, headlining their blood rival Nickelodeon's Kids' Choice Awards. Still, she must return to Cinderella's Castle* in Anaheim by midnight, or her career will be turned into "a fucking Debbie Gibson state-fair-touring pumpkin, mark my words," said her fairy Bob Iger-mother. [Variety]
· Tobey Maguire is attached to produce Afterburn, an adaptation of a futuristic comic about treasure hunters who venture into the half of the planet scorched by a solar flare to retrieve valuable surviving artifacts, like the Venus de Milo and Cher. [Variety]
· After the story about the kid who lived at his parents' house who sold his first script to Ridley Scott for $650,000 vs. $1.1 million with Leo D. attached to star, we thought God had doled out all the screenwriter miracles for the month. Wrong! "A Staten Island tollbooth worker in desperate need of a car wrote a crime thriller spec titled Brooklyn's Finest last year. Now he finds himself rubbing shoulders with some of Hollywood's finest, including Richard Gere, Don Cheadle, Ethan Hawke and Antoine Fuqua." Why do we get a feeling the next time our mom calls us at work, it'll be to tell us she just sold her first spec to Sony "for mid-sixes?" [THR]
· Earlier today, Oprah emerged from her Oprahphagus long enough to welcome the world's fastest clapper onto her show. While we haven't scientifically verified this, we're also betting he's the world's fastest masturbator.
· If you're wondering how one goes about getting kicked off the My Little Pony fan forum, here's a handy primer.
· Since when does Indiana Jones have a bazooka? This probably means that The Beouf will be wielding a flamethrower.
· Paris Hilton spent last night frenching Elisha Cuthbert in NYC. We can think of worse ways to spend a Tuesday night.
· And lastly, looks like we just might have a baby J. Lo by this time tomorrow. Happy happy joy joy (or something).
Incredibly, a fake lesbian "makeout" session with a hot friend is apparently still considered a savvy way to generate buzz, when really it's usually a desperate-looking appeal to the most drunken and knuckle-dragging heterosexual men and a clear marker of emotional vacancy. To wit, Paris Hilton and Elisha Cuthbert, reported snogging at Tenjune last night by a source who tells Us Weekly how Paris "loves putting on a show" (rilly?). After the jump,some landmark girl-on-girl couplings in the long, stupid history of psuedo-lesbianism:
PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw Jason Alexander at Peet's Coffee magically transforming into George Costanza before your eyes after receiving a call from Woody Harrelson:
Yesterday's self-imposed 2 p.m. deadline for After Dark Films to remove the controversial Captivity billboards turning various Los Angeles intersections into gruesome instruction manuals on the capture, imprisonment, torture, and disposal of B-list actresses has come and gone, but buck-passing CEO Courtney Solomon's clean-up crew seems to be lagging a bit behind schedule, as reports of extant snuff ads have come in:
Sadist/misogynist cinephiles, take heed: you may have less than 24 hours to enjoy the series of 30 billboards erected around town to promote Elisha Cuthbert vehicle Captivity, depicting the "Abduction," "Confinement," "Torture," and "Termination" of low-budget horror movie kidnapping victims, as they're scheduled to be taken down by sometime tomorrow following complaints from concerned citizens who appreciate a little more subtlety in their exploitation flick advertising. So how did these offensive, child-spooking ads get erected in the first place? "Damned if we know!", say furiously buck-passing executives from distributors Lionsgate and AfterDark Films to the LAT:
Professional ice hockey has had a time of it lately, still trying to play catch up after last season's disastrous labor strike and a steadily dwindling US audience. Forced to get creative, the NHL has pinned its hopes on the celebrity blog musings of one Elisha Cuthbert, who in her Hollywood Hockey Thoughts blog bio on NHL.com, calls herself "just an actress who loves the sport and does not play — but that doesn't mean I can't talk about it!" And no pom-pom waving arctic bunny she; this former Montrealer (we knew there was something we liked about this girl, despite the fact that she conveniently abandoned her hometown Canadiens for the LA Kings) is an insightful fan! Take for example her reasoned treatise on the art of booing turncoat players:
