Macedon, New York police arrested Carolyn Kesel last week after she was found driving erratically around a Walmart parking lot. To explain her .26% BAC (or more than three times the legal limit), Kesel told police she downed two bottles of vanilla extract.

There are innumerable ways to screw up your first day of work, but some of them have a little more panache than others. A new teacher in Wagoner, Okla. was arrested on her first day after showing up at the school both drunk and without pants.

An intriguing exclusive in The New York Times claims that many people shop on the internet... while drunk. Is it true? That's not for us to say—we're just here to help! What will you purchase, next time you are trawling eBay and Amazon while you're drunk?

To say it had not been a great fourth-quarter for Research in Motion, the Canada-based makers of BlackBerry, would be putting it mildly. There was that embarrassing North American outage, flatlining sales of their new smartphones amid steady growth for competitors, and a stock that has depreciated 77 percent since February of this year. What these guys could really use right about now is some positive publicity. Hahahahahahaha! Sorry.

Breakups are bad news, as we all know. Who here hasn't spent a week binging on raw cookie dough and episodes of The Good Wife after getting dumped? Or gotten behind the wheel of his cab, naked and drunk, and crashed into 17 cars?

The city council in Sheboygan, Wisconsin wants to remove the mayor from office because he's a self-proclaimed alcoholic who recently went on a three-day bender during which he got into a fight and passed out at some schlubby tavern that, from pictures, looks just like how stale Cheese Doodles smell.

Workers at the Carlsberg beer factory in Denmark were allowed to drink as much as they wanted. Management tried to limit them to three pints at lunch. They slurred out their displeasure in no unshertain... unshert... uncertain terms.

You know how celebrities are always getting in drunken car wrecks and then get arrested and have to go to rehab? And you know how everyone (mostly Bruce Vilanch) is like "Why don't they just have someone drive them??" Well Sean Combs (née "P Diddy," "Puff Daddy," "Diablo Cody," etc.) has been listening to everyone (but mostly Bruce Vilanch) and has decided to start a car service for drunk famous people. "After partnering with Ciroc vodka, he wants to make sure everyone's partying responsibly," says a rep for the mogul. Oh. It's just for a sponsorship thing. Well, that and public safety, right? So future fuck ups like Jesse McCartney or Elle Fanning don't someday, with tragic irony, run over a little child who reminds them of what they used to be, right? No, not really. Combs says the goal for the company is "Making sure nobody gets arrested!" Sigh. [Us]