A Connecticut man was arrested for possession after both calling 911 and complaining to a uniformed cop that the $40 bag of coke he got from his dealer was light. Hello! The police aren't drug dealer customer service reps! [TSG]

When the federal government launched the Medicare Part D program to pay for seniors' prescription drugs in 2006, it banned Viagra and other erectile dysfunction drugs from eligibility. Fortunately the federal government screws up and breaks the law all the time. And for a brief period in 2007 and 2008, a "software error" did, in fact, allow old men to buy boner pills on Uncle Sam's dime.

Owsley "Bear" Stanley, one of the most prolific LSD producers of all time, was killed in a car accident in his adopted home of Australia today. The Bear was also a noted sound engineer, and at one time financed the Grateful Dead. He and his acid were also featured in Tom Wolfe's The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test, and Bear hung out with the likes of Jimi Hendrix, Ken Kesey, and other noteworthy druggies from that time. He was thought to be around 76 years old.

Mental game! Lupus drug! Elderly tech! Menopause needles! Cancer survivors! Cigarette sales! Tainted beef! Premature drugs! And the total crumbling of American healthcare! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—laughing, but really crying!

Analysis of cave paintings in Spain and Algeria has led some researchers to believe that human beings have been discovering the unified nature of consciousness for at least 6,000 years in Europe, and as many as 9,000 years elsewhere.

Sleep losers! Stomach pacemakers! Pork sloganeers! Cadmium poisoners! Cancer fallers! Food fighters! Proton inhibitors! Mite worriers! And puppy survivors! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with little to no equilibrium!

Poor Katrina Epperson. She was returning to her North Carolina home after getting a license to open a day care center in her residence when she and her boyfriend, Christopher Webb, were arrested for also running a meth lab out of the house. Talk about utilizing the space!

In your warlike Thursday media column: ABC News menaced by soup, more on the Newsweek redesign, Bloomberg vs. the NYT, Stars and Strips vs. weed, and ArtScene vs. Huffington Post.

New York City police busted a marijuana-growing operation inside a house in Staten Island Monday that was so skunky that—and we are directly quoting a leading tabloid here—"cops who raided the place nearly got stoned, police said." That's right: "You almost got a contact high by just going into the house," said a law-enforcement source. "It was like a heavy, earthy pot smell."

It must suck so bad to go to one of these allegedly prestigious military service academies. Besides being hazed by crewcut goons and receiving a trip to Iraq as a graduation present, you can't even smoke real ganja. So weak.

The Oregon Congressman who sent bizarre emails and pictures to his staff, David Wu, spoke with the AP about his rather odd behavior and it seems we have a culprit: The guy is a total pill head.

After James Franco's squinty, smirky I-can't-believe-I'm-saying-these-words Oscars hosting stint, you may have some questions. Such as: Was he stoned? And: How stoned was he? Luckily, we have prepared a brief FAQ to help guide you through this confusing moment.

All poem-fingered F-18 fighter jet Charlie Sheen wants to do is live a quiet life as a television star and porn family patriarch. So why does CBS make it hard for him by stopping production on his show? Sheen will be deploying his ordinance to the ground and making his case ("I may be a dangerous, self-destructive drug addict, but I show up to work!") on not one, but two different morning shows on Monday: Good Morning America and Today.

Hey parents: It's so hard to find a decent daycare center these days, isn't it? Well, at least your kid isn't spending his or her formative years at R&B Childcare Services in Pittsburgh! Early yesterday, police raided the center just before kids began to arrive:

When arriving to jail in Florida to serve 30 days for drug possession, corrections officers asked Sara King if she had anything she's not supposed to have. She replied, "Just my pills in my vagina."

Pregnancy stress! Suzanne Somers cures cancer! Kidney transplant fight! Elderly STDs! Locked in happiness! Lady PTSD! Boxing fitness! Charlie Sheen rehab! And monster testing! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—one child at a time!

A park bench that was donated in Katharine Hepburn's honor on East 47th Street has, according to the Post, turned into a "hotbed for raunch and pot, with wanton women engaging in midafternoon sex acts as perverted men stare while smoking weed." Well, a visit to Dag Hammarskjold Plaza just made our list of weekend activities. [NYP]

Reggae star Buju Banton has been found guilty on charges of conspiracy to distribute cocaine in Miami. His first trial ended in a hung jury; no such luck this time. He was also found guilty of a gun charge. He faces up to 20 years in prison. Fellow reggae stars and fans are upset. [Miami New Times, photo via Getty]

Wasp wands! Greenhouse gases! Ecological disaster! Pill mills! HIV photography! Mind driving! Baby blaming! Bone marrow prices! And the lions of the sea, revealed! It's your Monday Science Watch, where we watch science—for the time being!

Let's check in on America's public school systems and see how we're preparing our youth of today for the challenges of tomorrow! In Fairfax County, Va., The Washington Post reports, a 15-year-old "model student" and linebacker, Nick Stuban, was suspended and banned from school property for seven weeks for buying a capsule of the legal "marijuana-like" synthetic compound JWH-108. He was then reassigned to a different high school; a month later, he killed himself.