At a rally in Fresno, California today, newfound irrigation expert Donald Trump finally revealed the solution to the drought that’s been crippling California for the past five years: Turn the water back on, idiots.

“Marty Adams, a senior assistant general manager of the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power, said enforcing regulations in wealthy areas was more difficult than in poorer ones. ‘For a lot of people, accountants or landscapers pay the water bill, and they don’t even see it.’” You don’t say.

California’s wealthiest do not think that they should be subject to the same restrictions on water consumption as everyone else, the Washington Post reports. Rich people pay higher property taxes and are therefore entitled to more water and poor people are just going to have to suck it up.

Police say that vandals damaged an inflatable dam in Fremont, California on Thursday, causing nearly 50,000,000 gallons of water to be lost, the Guardian reports. The lost water could have supplied 500 homes for a year.

Bummer city: Los Angeles' Bureau of Street Services has nixed a plan to run a giant slip 'n slide through downtown streets next weekend for fear that it might be a bad look given California's ongoing historic drought.

A young boy collects drinking water from a leaking pipeline in Jammu, India, on Monday. A heat wave has struck the northern plains of the country, with temperatures passing 113 degrees Fahrenheit in several places, leading to scarcity of water and frequent disruptions in power supply. Image via Channi Anand/AP.

Consider us, the average American consumers: couch-bound, sluggish, overweight, grazing on a steady diet of heavy meats, hormone-laced milk, and refined sugars. An economically required fast is the best thing that could happen to us.

A winter storm dumped 13.5 billion gallons of water in Lake Tahoe over the weekend, along with 36 inches of snow at one Sierra Nevada ski resort and more than 10 inches of rain in some parts of the Bay Area. But is the drought over? No.

There's more bad news for California: Water deliveries from state and federal reservoirs to the Central Valley—where much of the nation's food is grown—have been cut to zero. The reservoirs are going dry and there's no water to deliver.

Officials say 17 towns in California could run out of water in the next 2-4 months, thanks to endless drought. Does it seem like the weather's been kind of... I don't know... extreme lately? Maybe it's just our imaginations.

That California drought emergency we told you about yesterday is official now. Governor Jerry Brown officially declared it this morning in San Francisco. "We ought to be ready for a long, continued, persistent effort to restrain our water use," says Brown. If it's yellow, let it mellow, etc.

Here's some terrible news to mark the beginning of permanent fire season in California: It's going to stay like this, hot and dry, until May. The Climate Prediction Center says winter will come and go without the usual winter storms that provide the snowpack that provides all the water people use. Fire conditions will be awful until summer, when they will continue being awful until next winter, if winter ever shows up again.

The future of America (and, indeed, the world) will be characterized by widespread and increasingly violent skirmishes for control of the last sources of precious, precious water. Currently, we're in phase one: the legal battles.

One year ago, America had bigger things to worry about than A-Rod's pharmaceutical regimen and the latest tripe from Beyonce: a huge, well-deserved drought covering the majority of the country. What has the new summer brought us? More drought. And now we must suffer for our sins.

The national forecast for spring: more heat waves and drought. Mmm. Sounds nice right about now.

This drought is bad for weed but good for wine. What a bourgeois drought.

America is currently drier than a Mormon wedding, with large swaths of the country parched by an epic drought and heat wave. But have no fear, Facebook users have banded together to do what they always do in times of trouble: Share stupid memes.

We already know the U.S is in a drought. But who gives a shit, right? Well, based on our insatiable desire for meat/cheese-based everything, a whole lot of us will start caring soon: dairy and meat prices are about to go way up.

For centuries, Americans have strutted about boldly as masters of our natural domains. Forest? Clear it. River? Dam it. Lake? Drain it. Endangered species? See if it is tasty when covered in Cheez™. We have comported ourselves as gods, and expected that the rest of the world would bow to our haughty demands. So this summer, as your lawn withers and your faucets run dry and your neighbors arm themselves for the coming Water Wars, rest assured: we deserve this drought.

Why has Iran suffered through so many droughts over the last few years? Many people would say "weather patterns, or whatever." But Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad knows the truth! "Western countries have designed plans to cause drought in certain areas of the world," he said in a speech in the Iranian city of Arak. And not only that! "European countries are using special equipment to force clouds to dump" rain on their own countries.