Americans are drinking less soda with each passing year—which makes the remaining soda that we do drink all the more important. Sadly, new evidence indicates that this country’s taste in soda is going to hell. Hey, someone call a “Doctor....”

It's fairly safe to assume that Dr Pepper was not trying to make any sort of statement about the Darwin's Theory of Evolution when it posted a throwaway ad on its Facebook page delineating the "evolution of flavor."

Are you a 25-to-34-year-old male who prefers regular Dr Pepper, but wants fewer calories—and also knows that Diet Dr. Pepper is for queers? Allow us to introduce you to Dr Pepper Ten: ten masculine calories, made outta balls.

NBC's marketing department, last seen turning the mediocre show Chuck into an elaborate vehicle for peddling Subway sandwiches, is now turning the good show 30 Rock into an elaborate vehicle for peddling Dr Pepper. Progress!

In what is sure to be the most consequential piece of legal maneuvering since 50 Cent sued Taco Bell last week, idiot Guns n' Roses frontman Axl Rose had his attorney fire off a scathing letter to the Dr. Pepper corporation regarding the company's recent GnR-related marketing mishaps. It promises to be quite a dustup—rock and roll style!!1! Take, heed, soft drink companies: here's what happens when you try to give out a free soda to everyone in America:

Remember in the olden days when pro athletes and Olympians would grace our soft drink ads, urging us to guzzle the nutritionally barren sugar water in order to be a champion like them, cognitive dissonance be damned? Yea, if you listen to athletes now, you are old and laughable. The new (and far more appropriate!) face of Dr. Pepper is a 21-year-old kid who makes a quarter of a million bucks playing video games. Why I never! Lazy kids nowadays! There is simply no way not to sound like some parody of Dave Barry making "these kids!" jokes while writing about this development. But what you need to know is that if you have skills with a Wii controller, you better watch out for the geek paparazzi: