• Both Katie Holmes and Nicole Kidman have active cases of herpes, reports Page Six, something you should probably keep in mind in the event either woman tries to plant a kiss on you. [P6]
• William H. Macy will take over for Jeremy Piven in Speed-the-Plow now that the Pivster has overdosed on sushi and will need to take time off to cleanse his sacred temple from mercury. [NYP]
• Marci Klein, SNL producer and daughter of Calvin, is calling it quits with her husband of eight years, Scott Murphy. [P6]

No wonder the Trump kids seem so screwed up: When asked by Portfolio about some of their childhood memories, Donny Jr. and Eric tell a story about how their dad repeatedly reminded them to "never trust anyone," something Eric says he started hearing on a daily basis beginning at the age of four. (Trump insisted that the rule applied to the boys' own father, too, which come to think of it, was actually pretty solid advice.) Listen to the sad childhood story for yourself after the jump.

Dylan Lauren celebrated the re-launch of Dylan's Candy Bar on Monday night with a bash at her Third Avenue store. In addition to siblings Andrew and David and mom Ricky, guests included Woody Allen and Soon-Yi (with their kids), Ivanka Trump, Donald Trump Jr. and wife Vanessa Trump, Lauren Bush, Dan Abrams, Olivia Palermo, Katie Lee Joel, Rachel Roy, Fabiola Beracasa, Stacey Bendet, Eric Villency, Jamee Gregory, Bettina Zilkha, Amy Sacco, Thom Filicia, Dori Cooperman, Ingrid Sischy, Dave Zinczenko, Kelly Killoren Bensimon, Karen Duffy, Kira Plastinina, Jason Biggs, Tyson Beckford, and fraudster Tatiana Boncompagni. [PMc, NYO, Wireimage, GoaG]

You might want to think twice before stopping by Alexis Stewart's apartment uninvited: The daughter of domestic diva Martha Stewart has a permit to keep a loaded gun at home, according to the Post. Other notable locals with gun licenses include David Wright and Carlos Delgado of the Mets, Robert De Niro, billionaire supermarket mogul John Catsimatidis, and Donald Trump. (Two of Trump's sons, Eric and Donald Jr., also have licenses to keep firearms at home; Ivanka Trump's apartment is gun-free.) But it's Alexis, who recently launched a new TV series on the Fine Living channel, who may have the creepiest explanation for why she feels the need to keep a gun in a lockbox in her TriBeCa apartment: She keeps it in case an emergency forces her to abandon the city and she has to euthanize her elderly dogs. "They could never make it out of Manhattan. I could never leave my dogs to die of thirst in my apartment, so I looked on it as a euthanasia situation. I would never kill my pets unless they were going to die anyway."

The Observer has a roundup of New York real estate titans and which political candidates they've been busy handing over cash to in recent weeks. Just in case you were thinking that Donald Trump's endorsement of John McCain last week was merely another opportunity for Donald to worm his way into the spotlight, think again: "The whole adult family—Donald Sr., Donald Jr., Ivanka and Eric—has been generous to McCain, giving well over $50,000 to the campaign since May and another $29,000 to the Republican National Committee." [NYO]

• It's no fun living near Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Neighbors in the West Village say the two are "spoiled brats" since they have bodyguards posted outside their apartment on West 13th Street who make neighbors get off the stoop whenever the twins are arriving home, and the twins keep SUVs idling in front of the building for hours at a time. [P6]

• Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi will be tying the knot in California tomorrow. Portia is expected to wear a Zac Posen gown in front of their 20 guests. [Us, P6]

"We are a construction company and we have job sites, we lose people... You better treat her right, because I have a .45 and a shovel." –Donald Trump, Jr., at his mother Ivana's wedding. Then he complimented her "great boobs." This seems like yet another great argument against marrying a Trump of any kind, even Ivanka, the relatively attractive and normal one. [Gatecrasher via Daily Intel]

The son of The Donald, Don Jr. has the second-worst hairdo in the Trump family.

Residents of the Trump World Tower were undoubtedly delighted to discover, in their mailboxes, special VIP invitations to an extra-special wealth creation seminar from Donald Trump! He's going to let everyone in on all the extra-secret strategies that he's used to become fabulously rich, and he wants everyone to be a part of it. And he's enlisted his (hotter) son to begin doing his dirty work!

The Donald is known for many things—his taste in Eastern European women, his casinos, his TV show—but he's perhaps best, or most endearingly, known for his hair, which seems to follow few rules but his own. In that regard, then, Donald Trump Jr. doesn't take after his dad. He's got the hairstyle that men want to copy and women want to run their fingers through—if they could get through the gel, of course.