There is nothing—nothing—more American than McDonald's. So would weird, less-American competitors please stop trying to overtake McDonald's dominance? Soon, Subway will have more stores than McD's. What pansy message does this send to the world? Americans eat cucumbers?!?

Horndog scientists are studying sexual sex fantasies of men and women and they've come to some startling conclusions: We all want to be dominated like dirty animals. But only if you want us for our sexiness!