“History moves fast,” Stephen Colbert says in this short monologue critiquing the dissenting opinions on the Supreme Court’s gay marriage decision. “It’s hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full, Constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did.”

Each of the four Supreme Court justices who disagreed with today’s ruling in favor of legal same-sex marriage issued his own dissent. And each was fucking nuts in its own, special way. Here, the weirdest, craziest, and flat-out dumbest lines from each.