• The gloves are off in the divorce between ex-model Stephanie Seymour and mogul Peter Brant. He claims she blows through $257,000 a month (including $50K a month on clothing alone); has been stealing and/or smashing some of his "pricey art objects"; has a history of abusing drugs; and has been bringing her boyfriend to the house. Team Seymour has yet to respond with its side of the story, but you can be sure it's going to be equally salacious. [P6]
• In other news of warring exes, Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook are back at it. Cook's lawyer says Brinkley violated the couple's divorce settlement and should go to jail because of it. Brinkley's team says it was Cook who is at fault and he should be put in jail. At least they agree on one thing! [NYP]
• Madonna supposedly has real estate brokers hunting for an apartment for Jesus Luz, since she's not ready to have him move in with her. Meanwhile, ex-husband Guy Ritchie has finally gotten around to responding to Madonna's comments that he's "emotionally retarded." In an interview with Esquire, Ritchie responded, "I still love her. But she's retarded, too." [Sun, Esquire]
• Did you know that Dina Lohan has a "celebrity" shoe line called Shoe-Han? She does! And it will be unveiled today at Trump Plaza. Exciting! [P6, People]

Divorces are ugly business. That's what we can learn from today's gossip roundup, which includes Madonna and Guy Ritchie acting like children, Peter Brant taking on Stephanie Seymour's fashion habit and, on another note, the return of Tina Fey's Palin.

Prince Harry turns 25 today. He shares his birthday with reality "star" Heidi Pratt, who is turning 23. (Make of that coincidence what you will.) Filmmaker Oliver Stone is turning 63. Music honcho Charlie Walk turns 43. Brit model Sophie Dahl is 32. Former NFL quarterback Dan Marino is turning 48. Opera singer Jessye Norman is 64. Actor Tommy Lee Jones is turning 63. And America's No. 1 mom, hands down—Dina Lohan—celebrates her 47th birthday today.

[Lindsay Lohan pitches a fit while shopping in SoHo yesterday with mom Dina. Image via X17]

IRS authorities are after Nick Cage, Clooney shows off his new lady-friend, Jude Law met the mother of his latest child on the street at 4am, Britney Spears has a new do and a Sopranos movie is in the works.

• Cameron Douglas, the son of Michael Douglas, was arrested at the Gansevoort Hotel last week. The crime? He had about $18,000 worth of meth with him, which he was planning to sell. [NYP]
• Mischa Barton's return to the party scene this past weekend wasn't entirely drama-free. She got upset and talked "frantically" as she recounted an episode with a stalker. Then she had a drink spilled on her when she went to a party at the Cooper Square Hotel. [P6]
• So much for Bethenny Frankel's plans to star in her own reality show. She says she'll be back for the third season of Real Housewives of NYC. [People]

Michael Lohan has been out and about in the Hamptons, squiring his new BFF, Jon Gosselin, around town and telling reporters what a fantastic guy he is. Dina Lohan's been busy complaining to the tabloids that her ex-husband is behind on his child support payments. And what's Lindsay Lohan up to?

• Stephanie Seymour and Peter Brant will meet in Greenwich divorce court for the first time today. Expect some fireworks: Brant has already filed a motion demanding Seymour "undergo drug and alcohol testing"; for her part, Seymour is accusing Brant of "hostile, threatening and intimidating behavior." [NYP]
• Now that he's split from his wife, Sean Penn is supposedly dating Natalie Portman (again), since she "stimulates him in ways no other person has." [Star]
• Rumor has it Madonna and Jesus Luz are planning some sort of commitment ceremony at the Kabbalah Center sometime soon. [NYDN]
• Luke Russert was either the "It" boy at the White House Correspondents' dinner on Saturday night, or has been a major disappointment for MSNBC, depending on who you talk to. [NYDN, P6]
• Speaking of nepotism, Meghan McCain reportedly "lost it" and acted like an "insolent child" when a guard told her she couldn't bring two friends into the Correspondents dinner on Saturday. [NYDN]

• Eliot and Silda Spitzer made their first public appearance together last night. The couple turned up at the Waldorf for the eighth annual Children's Benefit Gala and were spotted holding hands and making "lovey-dovey looks at each other." Unconditional love is a beautiful thing. [NYDN]
• The stress over the Kiefer Sutherland/Jack McCollough incident must be getting to Brooke Shields: She was spotted looking "upset, overwhelmed and stressed" at the Innocence Project gala on Wednesday night. On a related note, the desk appearance ticket Kiefer received yesterday means he will be a free man until he shows up in court on June 21. [NYDN, NYP]
• Lindsay Lohan's 15-year-old sister Ali has reportedly dropped out of high school so she can party full-time with her big sister. Good work, Dina. [P6]
• Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are expecting girls when their surrogate gives birth in a few weeks. [OK!]

• Is Lindsay Lohan heading back to rehab? That's what her mother, relatives, and friends are supposedly encouraging her to do, since she's been on a "self-destructive binge of partying, tears and breakdowns" ever since Sam Ronson broke up with her. To make matters worse, she keeps bumping into Sam everywhere she goes. Clearly, the girls need to decide once and for all which one's getting Chateau Marmont so this sort of thing stops happening. [OK!, L&S, P6]
• The Sun reports Madonna and Jesus Luz have reunited. As the story goes, Jesus came back to NYC to "perk up" Madge after all that trouble in Malawi and now they're like, going to Kabbalah classes and, like, eating dinner together and stuff. [Sun]
• Drew Barrymore and Justin Long are supposedly dating again, even though they claim they're "just friends" in public. [NYDN, P6]
• "Real Housewife" Jill Zarin recently underwent breast reduction surgery. If you're lucky, you'll see the whole procedure go down on a future episode. [P6]

• Is Heidi Klum pregnant with her fourth kid? That appears to be the case, since sketches of a gown she's planning to wear in a future Project Runway episode have made "room for a bump." [MSNBC]
• Are you a disgraced sports star or politician? Congrats: You're getting a reality TV show! Rod Blagojevich has signed on to appear in NBC's I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here, assuming a judge lets him go to Costa Rica for the taping. Meanwhile, Michael Vick is reportedly in talks to create a reality show of his own, one that will document his attempts to "make amends for his past." Your turn, Spitzer! [THR, NYP, THR]
• Looks like Barbara Bush and boyfriend Jay Blount won't be tying the knot in Kennebunkport this summer after all. And here we were hoping for both a Bush and Clinton family wedding the same month. [People]
• Dina Lohan was spotted dropping Lindsay off outside a club in LA on Monday night. Because, clearly, that's what good mothers do. [OK!, TMZ]
• That big Michael Jackson memorabilia auction? It ain't happening. [Reuters]

[Dina Lohan, terrific mother of Lindsay, arrives for a family dinner; image via INF]

Boy, that Chelsea Handler really nailed scary Twitter-using celebrity mom Dina Lohan on Chelsea Lately! Except for one small problem: Lohan doesn't actually use Twitter.

A LiveJournal user says the brilliant mind behind the crazed tweets of celebrity mom Dina Lohan is a 24-year-old Michigan man named Matt Cherette. Cherette, who's confessed, has a career in Hollywood awaiting him.

Either Lindsay Lohan's entire crazy family is really on Twitter, or the world's best comedy writers have taken to the medium. Here are Dina Lohan's Twitter tales of bad tea, insidious censorship, and "HATERS."

• Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson skipped out of a Valentine's Day appearance at the Hard Rock in Florida, supposedly because both had come down with the flu. But they didn't appear too sick the night before when the pair were spotted in a screaming match outside the Charlotte Ronson after-party on the Lower East Side. [People, NYP, NYDN]
• Chris Brown now says he's "sorry and saddened" over the incident with Rihanna. [LAT]
• Salma Hayek and Francois-Henri Pinault got married on Saturday. [People]
• Amy Sacco says she's planning to do a reality show for Bravo. [NYDN]
• Dina Lohan owes $11,485 in back taxes on her Long Island home. [P6]
• Jesus Luz's mother says her son has been "kidnapped" by Madonna. Also, in case you're wondering, Madge is the same age as his grandmother. [NYP, DM]

She's done reality TV and (horrifyingly) interviewed her own daughter on the red carpet, and now Dina Lohan, mother of Lindsay and presumably other children, has an exciting new job opportunity: creepy Long Island transient.

Dylan Lauren celebrated the re-launch of Dylan's Candy Bar on Monday night with a bash at her Third Avenue store. In addition to siblings Andrew and David and mom Ricky, guests included Woody Allen and Soon-Yi (with their kids), Ivanka Trump, Donald Trump Jr. and wife Vanessa Trump, Lauren Bush, Dan Abrams, Olivia Palermo, Katie Lee Joel, Rachel Roy, Fabiola Beracasa, Stacey Bendet, Eric Villency, Jamee Gregory, Bettina Zilkha, Amy Sacco, Thom Filicia, Dori Cooperman, Ingrid Sischy, Dave Zinczenko, Kelly Killoren Bensimon, Karen Duffy, Kira Plastinina, Jason Biggs, Tyson Beckford, and fraudster Tatiana Boncompagni. [PMc, NYO, Wireimage, GoaG]

Sienna Miller and Balthazar Getty making out on the sidewalk in the West Village ... Jessica Alba and Cash Warren walking in Brooklyn with baby Honor ... Michelle Williams taking daughter Matilda to the doctor's office, then getting in a car with Spike Jonze ... Eva Mendes on the set of her new film ... Daniel Radcliffe jogging on the sidewalk ... Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes leaving the American Felt building with Suri ... Dina and Ali Lohan attending a Halloween charity event ... America Ferrera on the set of Ugly Betty in Gramercy Park ... Lauren Conrad posing for photos outside the Letterman show, and later going out with her new boyfriend Kyle Howard ... and Pink leaving the Alexander McQueen store on West 14th.

[Dina Lohan and Ali Lohan, mother and sister to actress Lindsay respectively, at a charity event in New York on Sunday; image via WENN] bringmemyTofu's new line beats the original, The True Spirit Of Halloween.