· The Brentwood Presbyterian Church hosts a free screening of Before Sunset—well, it's free if you don't feel guilted into attending the post-show theological discussion. Nothing's ever really free in this town, is it?
· Beyond Blonde: Swedish Lifestyle Month 2005 kicks off at the Pacific Design Center. We decided somewhere between "Blonde" and "Swedish Lifestyle" that we're going, we don't care what the specifics are.
· If we weren't wearing a dirty wife-beater and holey boxers right now, we'd probably be a little more aware of the Fashion Week activities going on all around us. Tonight, Gen Art presents The New Garde at MOCA.

Gawker Media Empire mid-level manager Lockhart Steele is trench-blogging from SXSW in Austin, where the winners of the 2005 Bloggies were just announced. And we're proud to note that Defamer won Bloggies for Best Entertainment Weblog and Best New Weblog. Thanks to everyone that voted for us, and despite the fact that you've all made a terrible mistake and overlooked some other very fine blogs, those promised three-picture deals and hooker coupons are in the e-mail.

This is Hollywood, so even though this site's not even a year old, it needed some things tightened up: a lift here, a little injection there, and you hardly notice that we're starting to get more work. If you think our rack's gone up a cup size, well, our publicist said we blossomed overnight, OK?

The less bleary-eyed among you might notice that we're looking a little fresh this morning. No, no — no work done, just a week at the Canyon Ranch, we swear, and we didn't even need the botox. Honestly, our cheekbones just grew on their own after an afternoon with Christine Chin... Okay, and a day spent with the most fabulous doctor on 67th! Guilty as charged! Don't tell the girls at Swifty's, m'kay? Our little secret.

Friday
· More quality concerts than you shake a clichéd stick at: Futureheads at the Henry Fonda, Pretty Girls Make Graves and Dios Malos at the El Rey, and that super-secret Coldplay situation at the Troubadour.
· Former Jackassers and current Wild Boyz Steve-O and Chris Pontius are throwing a premiere party at El Centro tonight. There is only a 50-50 chance that you'll be taunted into stapling your scrotum to something or into wrestling an alligator.
Saturday
· Continuing the shaking of that stick in regards to the following shows: The Blood Arm, the Adored, and the Tints play Little Pedro's, with DJ sets by Keith Morris (Circle Jerks, Black Flag) and Senior (Junior Senior); Kasbian and The Music at the Henry Fonda; 2/3 of the Unicorns reunite as Th' Corn Gangg, and play their first show ever at the Echo; KCRW Sounds Eclectic Evening with Coldplay, Café Tacuba, Nellie McKay & The Like plus surprise special guests at the Universal Amphitheater.
Sunday
· You'd think there was nothing to do but see shows this weekend, wouldn't you? Ian Brown (The Stone Roses) plays the House of Blues, Slint and Pinback are at the Avalon, and the precocious Nellie McKay sticks around to do the Roxy.
· Why don't you just camp out at the Henry Fonda all weekend? If VH1 hasn't beaten every ounce of nostalgia out of you, you can check out the Second Annual Totally 80s Convention. It's as if you can never escape your childhood!

Pause with us, won't you, while we thank this week's sponsors, who help make possible the kind of disturbing side-by-side graphics illustrating a starlet's daddy issues that are our stock and trade. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and reach the kind of consumer who will tirelessly recommend your product or service to his or her highly influential, affluent circle of friends, please see this page.

As the whole world probably knows by now, the "secret" press and record company showcase for Coldplay's new album at the Troubadour tonight has now become something less than secret, as the venue is announcing on their website that tickets are available to the public starting at 5 pm. If you're planning on being a part of the enormous mob that's certain to descend on the club any minute now, and are lucky enough to score a ticket, don't forget to bring your CDs, 8x10 glossies, and retardedly-named celebrity babies for the band to sign.

We're messengering some freshly-cut flowers to this week's sponsors, whose support allows us to keep our lawyers on call. Interested in the union of love and money? Info here.

· If you're into, you know, wearing clothes and stuff, you can get a jump on next week’s Fashion Week festivities at the Threadless fashion show at the Vanguard on Hollywood Boulevard. It's $8 to get in, but you get some kind of gift bag and the priceless opportunity to see designs by Samaire Armstrong, former The OC cast member and current Lohan co-worker.
· Writer/director Cory McAbee hosts a screening of his The American Astronaut at the Arclight. Afterwards, Andy Dick will moderate a Q & A, during which we expect all hell to break loose.
· It's the second Thursday of the month, and you know what that means: The sun will be shining, people will pay scant attention to their driving as they chat on their cellphones, and agents will duck the calls of their upset clients. Also:
the Downtown Art Walk is going on.
· Joseph Arthur, whose new CD we've recently purchased and enjoyed with an alacrity usually reserved for drinking cheap beer, plays the Troubadour.

· "A quadriplegic attorney settled his lawsuit against producers of NBC's "The Apprentice" after they agreed to make clear the program accepts applications from the disabled." Well, they do if they display absolutely no business acumen and their tits look great in a sweater.
· But if he paints like J. Lo sings, how could you tell where the ass is? Marc Anthony does an rear-view nude portrait of his wife.
· Gawker breaks down the NY gossip rag dick-measuring contest that's raging across the pages of the Daily News and the Post.
· "Touch My Balls and My Ass": The Remix
· The best news ever: Drunk Asshole Hotel (© Heather Havrilesky) may return—with its original drunk asshole cast! Huzzah!

· Ex Talking Head and current pointy head David Byrne tries to put Microsoft's software to its first non-evil use with I Heart PowerPoint, his presentation of his 2003 book project, Envisioning Emotional Epistemological Information at the Hammer Museum tonight.
· At last, the perfect fusion of short attention spans and laughter: The Egyptian hosts comedy shorts, including Gay Pimp Daddy - Looking Cute and F***ing Hollywood
· Phyllis Diller signs Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy at the Barnes and Noble in the Westside Pavilion. Please, God, let Phyllis Diller still be alive.
· Robyn Hitchcock is at Largo. If you're unsure of who he is, don't even think of attending. You'll be beaten to death with vinyl by true fans.

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and let the world know that Val Kilmer chews with his mouth open.

In case you haven't noticed, we'd been experiencing some technical difficulties with our server, that magic little box that brings Defamer into your cubicle a dozen or more times a day. Things have been resolved (we think), and we assure you, our computers were not seized by Fred Durst's lawyers. We're pals now!

· NPR-approved writer Elizabeth McKenzie reads from her short fiction collection Stop That Girl at Book Soup, providing you a good opportunity to get nostalgic for your salad days in the MFA workshop.
· LACMA hosts a screening of The Ballad of Jack and Rose, in which director Rebecca Miller directs hubby/movie-star Daniel Day-Lewis, as well as non-spouses Catherine Keener and Beau Bridges. The site says it's sold out, but hey, it's not like the ArcLight, where the theaters are guarded by well-dressed ushers authorized to use deadly force.
· Bring your voting stub from today to Ben Forat’s Studio City Hand Car Wash, and they'll reward your civic responsibility by cleaning your Hummer. Participating in local politics has never been so rewarding!

· You see, Moonves, if you don't greenlight my pilot idea for a buddy comedy about a Viacom executive bent on world destruction and the blogger that's obsessed with him, I'm going to write a particularly nasty joke about the preternatural whiteness of your teeth. Also, to the Weinsteins: We have maps of where the bodies are buried. Leave the three-picture deal on the doorstep. We kinda like the Satan part, though.
· All things considered, Nick Carter's DUI mugshot isn't half bad. He purdy.
· We have a sidekick down! Repeat, a sidekick is down!
· Now blogging at Gridskipper: Evil Hungarian blog overlord Nick Denton. We give him two days before he starts whipping himself for being too slow to post, though he may delegate that duty to Lockhart.
· Hey, Theo, where are you going with that foam sex cube? Hold on, we don't want to know.
· Own your very own Jackson matrimonial artifact, before it becomes Exhibit A. You can almost hear it mocking the institution!

Going to Hollywood clubs packed with B-and C-list celebrities is a potentially dangerous experience; on a night like Friday at Spider Club, the careless reveler could easily find themselves on the wrong end of a Scientology conversion spiel given by a Masterson, struck by one of Bijou Phillips' flailing limbs, or performing unspeakable acts in a dimly-lit booth with Fez, unlikely cocksmith to a generation of starlets. Luckily, responsible venues provide an adequate security detail to mitigate a patron's risk of one of these unpleasant outcomes. A reader reports:

· Hollywood Life critic Stephen Farber's Reel Talk screening at the Landmark Westside Pavilion features Woody Allen's new film Melinda and Melinda. Co-star Radha Mitchell will be there, ready and willing to handle all of your questions about Will Ferrell.
· Learn something about the part of the east side that's not lined up outside the Echo based on a rumor of a Beck show: The Latino Urban Forum’s James Rojas discusses how Latinos utilize urban space in East Los Angeles at Gallery 727.
· 50 Foot Wave plays the Viper Room (a venue that lost countless cred points for being featured prominently in Be Cool, but we hear from Intern Y that the Wave is "fabulous"), while the Lovemakers do it for free at Spaceland. By "do it" we mean "perform music," but if you're a groupie, they almost certainly won't charge you for the lovemaking.

We know it's old news, but yes, we've heard (and if we don't post something about it, we'll keep getting e-mail): Fred Durst is suing Gawker Media (and various other entities, including, we think, the internet itself and Johnny Five from Short Circuit) for being among the first eight dozen or so websites to briefly spread his leaked sex video. The lawyers are asking for $80 million; here's how we think that breaks down:

Friday
· P-Towns, an art exhibit that quite logically includes work from Philadelphia and Providence, opens at New Image Art Gallery. Philadelphia and Providence, if you're curious, are cities on the East Coast.
· Friday night music: 4th Avenue Jones with special guest KRS-One at Temple Bar; Xiu Xiu at the Echo; Ok Go! (remember them?) at Spaceland; Tommy Stinson (of Replacements fame) at the Hotel Café.
Saturday
· 826LA, the new LA outpost of the Dave Eggers Literary Empire's tutoring arm, holds a reading at Beyond Baroque to benefit their shiny Venice digs. Open house to follow. Within weeks, they'll be turning out better writing talent than USC.
· HIN (Hot Import Nights) opens at the Los Angeles Convention Center. I’m not sure what this is, but cars and Brooke Burke are mentioned; we wonder which has fewer original parts remaining.
· Gape in horror/delight as Young Hollywood merrymakers throw ping-pong balls at each other and try to drink themselves to death at the Beer Pong Tournament of Champions at El Guapo (7250 Melrose at 6 pm). 80 teams enter, two hollow-legged assistants from CAA leave. Too late for a Defamer team, we suppose.
Sunday
·The LA Marathon: 20 years of bloody nipples, five-inch blisters, and fucked-up traffic.

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