In an attempt to put an end to all the tranny talk/penis jokes surrounding Demi Moore (what with that raspy voice, the Adam's apple and those oddly masculine thighs of hers), V Magazine got straight to the point by extending their logo to entirely encompass their Spring 08 cover girl. All signs signal the presence of a vajayjay, we get it! But until Mrs. Kutcher strips allll the way down to her bday suit (what is it now by the way, 87 candles on the cake?), we remain unconvinced there's not the slightest remnants of a package down there. [V Magazine]

· Music round-up: Run Run Run at Spaceland; David Garza at Largo; Steve Aoki CD release party with DJ AM at The Roxy.
· The Game's Neil Strauss will sign Rules of the Game: Master the Game in 30 Days, his new how-to manual for getting into the pants of women who never saw VH1's Pick-Up Artist series, at the Borders in Westwood.
· AFI screens Kubrick masterwork Dr. Strangelove at the ArcLight Hollywood, the #39 honoree on the10th anniversary edition of the organization's 100 Years, 100 Movies list.

It's hard to believe, but TV talk show host and scrappy-mutts'-rights activist Ellen DeGeneres is turning 50 on Saturday. (Also on that Day in Lesbian History: In 1913, Toklas and Stein discover the Scissor Sisters technique while on holiday in Marakesh!) To celebrate a life devoted to bringing unscripted laughter and the gift of aisle-choreography to the masses, the comedian has gone through the archives to share with Us Weekly some of the worst outfits from the past decades spent in the public eye. (Click here or the thumbnail for a closer view.) For you see, before discovering the custom-tailored Gucci tuxshedo, DeGeneres spent most of her time working the corner of Mullet Ave. and Fashion Nightmare Blvd., hitting style rock-bottom in a haze of high-waisted stonewash, bolo ties, and patterned linen vests.

Once upon a time, all the townsfolk claimed that Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor made a baby on the set of high-kicktastic Moulin Rouge. Well, maybe not a baby, but they made some placenta, according to a new tome by journalist Andrew Morton called Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography (you may have heard of it). Morton claims that little Placenta lived on, literally, in one of Nicole Kidman's various homes, in the event of a paternity dispute from then-normal (and then-husband) Tom. But wait! No story about TC and baby glands would be complete without a statement from the Church of Scientology!

On Tuesday's Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert offered what was perhaps the most moving pro-WGA moment we've seen in weeks, leading Malcolm Gladwell and the Harlem Gospel Choir in a lively rendition of the spiritual "Go Down Moses" as images of his beloved, absent colleagues scrolled across the screen; cue up the above clip and prepare to be stirred in a way you haven't been since Conan O'Brien gave us that first, utterly thrilling glimpse of his strike beard.

"I heard that films are structured around the male orgasm, the way they climax. Though, if it were modeled on the male orgasm, it would just immediately cut to black." Hamburger Phone enthusiast turned stripper turned blogger turned screenwriter turned Oscar Nominee turned aspiring standup comedienne Diablo Cody, from an interview with the Times Of London [Page Six]

Where were you when you found out about Heath Ledger? We were struggling with a dead MacBook battery, and about three-quarters of our way through a post on what could well have been one of the most pointless moments in the history of Western civilization: Clay Aiken visiting The View to talk about his new life as a Broadway gypsy. We quickly shelved that post, but one day later, it feels as if we now more than ever need to see Clay dropping to his knees, pulling Joy, Sherri, Whoopsters, and Elisabeth down with him, for a demonstration of the Diddler on the Roof-inspired Russian dancing required of him in Spamalot. Job have mercy, that seems like a lot of fun, doesn't it?

Last we heard from Steve Coogan, Courtney Love (of all people) was throwing him under the bus for being a bad influence on Owen Wilson. But now that Hamlet 2 has sold for a whopping (and probably ludicrous) $10 million to Focus Features at Sundance, Steve Coogan has officially rebounded from scoundrel to star status. While it may be too early to proclaim him to be the next Mr. Bean (who, by our humble estimation, is the last British comedian to break here Stateside), his starring role in what may turn out to be this year's Park City standout can't do anything but help raise the British comedian's rep from the murky depths of tabloid hell.

Wanting to avoid any accusations of cynically using Heath Ledger's death as a news peg for the debut of a new PSA discouraging teens from abusing prescription drugs, the President's staff postponed his public preview of the ad until later in the week; while that still might not be enough time to avoid all associations with yesterday's tragedy, the chief executive will be able to better rehearse his answers about his complicated feelings on Brokeback Mountain. Said Press Secretary Dana Perino: "Given the tragedy of yesterday's passing of the beloved actor, we did not want anyone to think we were trying to link into that story in any way." [ABC Political Radar]

The Wall Street Journal, in the newspaper's excellent investigation into the ties between Bill Clinton and Ron Burkle, explains why the former president is disentangling himself from the supermarket billionaire, as Gawker mentioned last month. Clinton will put some distance between his wife, the leading Democratic candidate in 2008, and politically toxic associates of the Yucaipa owner such as the Sheikh of Dubai and the official Chinese news agency. But is that all?

Who knew L. Ron Hubbard was such a superhero? In this recently unearthed clip from Orientation: A Scientology Information Film, two robotically-pitched Scientology mouthpieces claim that LRH singlehandedly unmasked "the government's" system of "mind control" using nothing but his creative genius (saving millions of Earth Human lives along the way). That is, when he wasn't busy being "fully professional" in 29 other fields. The video also includes cultish quippets from "Actress" Anne Archer and "Actress" Kirstie Alley, the latter of whom calmly explains that "without scientology, I would be dead." But it's not just popular-in-the-`80s actresses giving Hubbard praise; hear from opera singers! Fashion designers! Exercise physiologists! And the most flamboyantly gay chef we've ever seen, or heard, in our collective lives.

· Whoopsies! The MPAA admits that a 2005 study "incorrectly concluded" that movie piracy by college students is responsible for 44 percent of the industry's domestic losses, claiming that a "data entry" error ever so slightly inflated the actual "key number" of 15 percent. [THR]
· Fox and The CW have joined CBS in announcing a more "targeted" approach to the strike-abbreviated pilot season, taking an opportunity to dump projects the networks either can't or don't want to make whenever the WGA and AMPTP reach a new deal. Additionally, ABC is threatening to lighten its script load by 30 percent. [Variety]
[After the jump: Idol crushes rivals (again); studio speciality divisions dominate Oscar noms; Jericho finds a basic cable home.]

Breaking! Publicist pitch reveals Britney Spears' love of reasonably priced, delicious Argentine cuisine! "Britney Spears Loves Gaucho Grill! Two Days In A Row Last Week Britney Spears Was Spotted With Her Paparazzi Boyfriend At The Popular Chain's Studio City's Location. Once Was Even Right After Her Brief Stay At Her Mandatory Deposition. On Both Occasions Britney And Adnan Dined In A Private Room Away From The On-Lookers. The Two Shared The Sautéed Mushrooms, Empanadas, And Steak Salad. Gaucho Grill Is Owned By Famed Restaurateur Adolfo Suaya Who Also Owns LA Eateries Charcoal And The Lodge."

We never did get around to buying a ticket to Rocky Balboa during its theatrical run, as obsolescent action star Sylvester Stallone's comeback vehicle promised (at best) a body count limited to a sexagenarian pugilist whose steroid-weakened heart exploded from the exertion of flailing in the general direction of an opponent four decades his junior. After reviewing the above LAT chart (full scan here) detailing the carnage depicted in each chapter of the Rambo saga, however, we have no such concerns about the new installment's violence level; not only will we show up at the multiplex on Friday night, we'll be in our seats well before the coming attractions begin, knowing that with a staggering rate of 2.59 deaths-per-minute, wandering in during the opening credit sequence could deprive us of the experience of double-digit kills.

Some upsetting new evidence has emerged in the Heath Ledger case: Along with the prescription drugs that were found in the apartment, police also recovered "a rolled up $20 bill with narcotic residue on it," and "several drug packets containing an unknown substance." This was all apparently listed in the original police report, and sent to their labs for testing. [wcbstv.com]

We're still having a hard time coming to grips with (spoiler alert!) the abrupt dismissal of Gene Simmons from NBC's Used-To-Be-Marginally-Famous Apprentice last week. While we concede that Gene got himself tossed because of his stubbon refusal to abide by the golden rule of new business pitches (that being, "the client is ALWAYS right"), we can't help but feel like the flaxen-haired Donald Trump made a grave mistake by ditching one of the few contestants on the show with any semblance of personality. From his shaky grasp of Greek mythology to his repeated attempts at fondling the long stemmed Ivanka Trump, Mean Gene provided this slumping nation of ours with at least 94 seconds of truly inspired reality television moments. Which, coincidentally, is the exact length of the moving video tribute that Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer composed to honor the recently fired general of the KISS Army. Watch and enjoy, it's bound to be more fun than the now Simmons-less series.

In an interview with TV Week following his selection as one of the trade publication's "12 To Watch," always-quotable NBC perfect storm Ben Silverman was asked to reflect on his oft-controversial tenure as the network's designated rock-star and what, if anything, he might have done differently if given a second chance. But while he seems to admit that he could stand to work on his propensity for baring his razor-sharp, rival-eviscerating Peacock talons each time he's placed in the threatening presence of a recording device (the infamous "D-Girls" and "Ugly, Prom-Ruining WGA Nerds" incidents immediately come to mind), he still finds his own candor fun and refreshing. In short: Ben Silverman is someone Ben Silverman would want to hang with:

At this very moment, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline (and Steve Carell, but let's not needlessly complicate things) are back at the L.A. County Courthouse for yet another custody hearing to determine what contingencies are to be placed on access to her own children. (You'll recall visitation rights were revoked following her recent Van Halen 5150-hold hospitalization incident.) Wait! A shocking development has played out in the time it took to type that last sentence:

Just as we surmised, the bad luck for director Terry Gilliam continues, as recent news from the Vancouver set of The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus suggests production on the fantasy pic will be permanently shut down following Heath Ledger's sudden death. Tragedy aside, we are especially sad to report that this news also means that everyone's favorite Mini Me, serial public urinator Verne Troyer, is out of a job. But we're sure Little Person obsessive Gilliam will find room for the hairless hamster in his next sure-to-be-doomed film. [Us Magazine.com]

In frequently amusing excerpts from her upcoming autobiography now being published in the UK's Daily Mail, Romancing the Stone and Serial Mom star Kathleen Turner unloads both tell-all barrels into a number of her former co-stars, including Michael Douglas ("a wonderful friend and a terrible enemy"), William Hurt ("he loved those magic mushrooms"), and Anthony Perkins ("Everywhere he went, he carried a little bottle that I was told was benzyl nitrate. We'd rehearse a scene, then before the call to 'Roll camera', he'd take out his bottle and sniff it with each nostril.") But a special place in Turner's Hollywood-hardened heart is reserved for Peggy Sue Got Married castmate Nicolas Cage, whom she accuses of acting out so as not to seem like director/uncle Francis Ford Coppola threw him a spot on the call sheet purely out of nepotism: