· We already knew that Natalie Portman was unreasonably gorgeous in high school, so why do we need to bid on her yearbook? Because it will one day make her fall in love with us, that's why.
· Come on, sillies, George Clooney didn't literally mean he was considering suicide when he said that he was going to kill himself over his Syriana injuries. Don't be ridiculous. Who'd run the casino if he offed himself, Gerber? Pitt? Whatever.
· The LAT profiles Mark "The Cobrasnake" Hunter, in-house photographer for Drunken Hipster Quarterly. If you see him at a party (and you will—even hermits like us have bumped into the guy), hide—his magical lens makes everyone look like they're wasted and/or wearing headbands.
· Janet Jackson might have a "secret child" with an obscure DeBarge, says an even more obscure DeBarge. (For our purposes, all non-El DeBarges shall be labeled various degrees of obscure.)