The National Park Service has released some security footage from last month's DC earthquake, and it is absolutely terrifying. The scene goes from laid-back texting park ranger to full-on panic in about five seconds flat.

Just after 5am this morning, Mineral, Virginia was once again rocked by an earthquake — this time a 3.4-magnituder. NBC Washington has the details:

"Ladies and gentlemen," 700 Club televangelist Pat Robertson tells us before delivering the clip we've all been expecting for several days. "I don't want to get weird on this so please take it for what it's worth." Dude, you use disclaimers now to preface your latest comical religious explanations for natural disasters, in the case the Great D.C. Earthquake? Please show some spine to support all that bullshit, Pat.

The Great East Coast Rumbler of 2011 has, for the most part, produced a lot of bad news. Not terrible news, mind you — just mildly inconvenient, bummer-type news. Cracked monuments. Missed golf putts. Random stabbings. Belching orangutans. That kind of thing. But what's this? Not just a story of earthquake uplift — but a full-fledged miracle. The earthquake gave a deaf man his hearing back!

In what will surely be the greatest press release of ths week, the National Zoo offers a catalog of how various animals reacted to yesterday's earthquake. In it, we discover that the range of animal quake reactions is roughly the same as the range of human quake reactions, from startled shrieking to baleful hiding:

23-year-old Christian Falero is accused of going on a stabbing spree in Washington Heights yesterday, stabbing four people at random yesterday. A witness says the earthquake made him do it. (Oh, also, he's crazy.)

Post-earthquake reports that the Washington Monument was tilting like a bridesmaid after four champagne cocktails turned out to be false. However, contrary to the Park Service's initial reassurances, our national phallus didn't escape unharmed: It's cracked.

Just hours after a 5.9 magnitude quake hit Washington D.C., San Francisco weather traffic guy Sal Castaneda tweeted, "Hey east coasters: welcome to our world and what we live with everyday in California. Stay Safe." Hey, Californians: Shut up and let us wallow in our abject terror.

Finally, someone figured out why God sent an earthquake to the East Coast: To punish Barack Obama for vacationing. As it happens, the leader of the free world was golfing in Martha's Vineyard when the tremors struck:

Remember when an Iranian cleric said earthquakes were God's punishment for scantily-clad women, and then a bunch of scantily-clad women organized a naked protest to disprove the cleric, but then an earthquake actually occurred at the moment they bared their breasts? Well, there is a chance that today's East Coast earthquake was a boobquake, too, because it's National Go Topless Day, and there are all kinds of naked boobs in Central Park right now.

According to Fox News, the Washington Monument may be tilting as a result of the 5.9 earthquake that just hit the area. Really?

Holy potatoes that was some kinda Washington Earthquake of 2011 that we just had! Everyone has fallen into the Potomac River. But not before everyone got to make a bad joke on Twitter relating to current national politics! Because it's in DC, know? You can tell it's a "bad" political earthquake joke if it's a political earthquake joke in general. Here's a poorly culled selection.

Woah! There was just an earthquake! The ground swayed for maybe 10-15 seconds here in New York. The US Geological Survey is reporting a 5.8 magnitude quake hit Mineral, Virginia. Our D.C correspondent Jim Newell says the quake was much stronger down there, shaking his house and rattling things but not knocking anything down. Updates below.