Tony Mendez, Dave Letterman's long-time cue card guy, got fired this week when he assaulted the Emmy-nominated staff writer he had been arguing with.

Another day, another wacky survey classifying you based on what TV you watch. This one was done by the new (!) and improved (?) Hollywood Reporter and pertains solely to late night shows. What does your show say about you?

Four babies later, Klum continues to be unreasonably sexy; Lindsay Lohan had a "meltdown" after getting caught stealing champagne; Flavor Flav produces a Super Bowl ad. Come be blinded by the light of a thousand Monday gossips.

Russell Brand's house is for sale (so he can move in with Katy Perry?), Pam Anderson pulls a Blanche DuBois, and Robert Pattinson has poor hygiene. Welcome to Tuesday's gossip.

Hello, look who wrote the New York mag cover story on Dave Letterman this week: Departed Observer editor Peter Kaplan, keeping busy! The piece has no new Letterman interview. It's a total write-around. Of which Kaplan is the master. Ingredients:

Even though we’re a day late on this, Dark Knight’ s “ironic” lingerie model Maggie Gyllenhaal appeared on Letterman Wednesday night and charmed the pants right off Dave with talk of everyone's favorite celebrity topic: drugs. Speaking in her standard sweetly candid tone, Maggie told a tale of a nurse whose number we’d really like to get a hold of — seems this kooky practitioner who aided Maggie with a broken toe is more than eager to push bundles of those morphine-patches-disguised-as-"painkillers"—Percocets—on her patients.

Watching Dave Letterman sucker-punch Hills axis of vapidity Spencer Pratt on The Late Show Friday night brought up one major question for us: why has it taken this long for a talking head to publicly shame the guylighted villain? Shilling, we presume, merely for the gruesome brand that is Spencer and Heidi, the numb and pathological Pratt answered a few very pointed questions regarding the MTV show's obvious scripted nature and what exactly Bromance nobody Brody Jenner does for a living. At that point, Letterman finally pulled out the big guns after Spencer boastfully claimed he "won't go to a club for less than $100,000." Dave's shock, insulting-yet-gentle series of guffaws and his no-beat-missed announcement that he wants Spencer off his set immediately sum up an interview too good to be true. See for yourself after the jump.

Haha/Oh dear. Ali Lohan, sister of Lindsay, was on Letterman last night, presumably to promote her and mama Dina's ominous new reality show. And, poor thing, as Dave was signing off, he accidentally called her Lindsay. I mean, how could he possibly get them mixed up? Lindsay is a once-popular tween idol with substantial drug and alcohol problems. Ali is a soon to be once-popular tween idol with substantial drug and alcohol problems. Geez. It's like comparing apples and the seeds that later become apples. Clip above.

Dave Letterman was in fine form last night, as he adorably served a spanking to Fox News shoutytwat Bill O'Reilly: