Saturday Night Live alum Darrell Hammond has been talking a lot about the crazy amount of drugs he did during his comedy career. In an excerpt from his new book God, If You're Not There, I'm F*cked, he talks about how rehab can be even worse than addiction.

Darrell Hammond — the seemingly mild-mannered Saturday Night Live impressionist — says in his autobiography, God, If You're Not Up There, I'm F*cked, that he had to down whole bottles of cognac backstage to "[calm] my nerves and [quiet] the disturbing images that sprang into my head." When that failed to work, he would cut himself. Some of the gashes were huge.

Which celeb has Cammie been sneaking around with? Why is Charlie Sheen wearing a disguise to have an affair? Is Madonna really sending the kids to public school? How much did Eliot Spitzer spend on hookers? Wednesday's gossip is puzzled.

The most recent Funny or Die original accomplishes something other than being funny or dying: It unites four(!) generations of legendary SNL cast members in the same room together. Quite a feat. Oh, and it's really funny.

• Is Time Warner planning to shed its Time Inc. magazine division? [Crain's]
• Condé Nast is hunkering down for a big round of budget cuts, as you've probably heard. One Condé title that happens to be doing quite well: Vanity Fair's Italian edition, which having its best year ever, apparently.
• Saturday Night Live's Jenny Slate won't be punished for cursing on the air. But it's looking like Darrell Hammond may have been dropped from the show.
• Tina Brown's Daily Beast is planning to get into book publishing. [NYT]
• Former Times film critic (and Turner Classic Movies host) Elvis Mitchell is in financial trouble again: He reportedly owes $500,000 in back taxes. [P6]
• How much the cast of The Hills makes might make you nauseous. [TDB]
• Can Twitter ever earn enough in advertising revenue to justify its recent valuation of $1 billion? It's highly unlikely, say some observers. [AdAge]
• Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was No. 1 again this weekend. [LAT]

At last night's opening night party for the New York City Ballet's David H. Koch Theater, guest of honor David Koch and wife Julia mingled with Candace Bushnell, Sarah Jessica Parker, Alicia Keys, Al Roker, Debbie Bancroft, Lisa Falcone, Mary Alice Stephenson, Alexandra Lebenthal, Zani Gugelmann, Annie Churchill, Peter Martins, Veronica Webb, Mark Indelicato, Blythe Danner, Valentino, Rachel Roy, Derek Lam, Peter Som, and Vanessa Williams, who all ate, drank, and danced to inaugurate the new Lincoln Center venue. [Wireimage, PMc, Style.com]

♦ Madonna's neighbors in her Central Park West building aren't happy that she has turned her seventh-floor apartment into a music studio. (It was originally supposed to be an office for Guy Ritchie.) Now she stays up all night blaring music and practicing for her shows. [NYDN]
♦ Alex Rodriguez is thinking of following Madonna on tour next month when she plans to make stops in Brazil, Chile, and Argentina. [R&M]
♦ Is Jennifer Aniston secretly leaking pregnancy and marriage rumors about herself to the tabloids as a way to steal attention away from Brangelina? [MSNBC]
♦ Friends of Padma Lakshmi want everyone to know she is not a gold digger. She's a "hard-working, self-made woman" who just happens to only date extremely wealthy, older men. [P6]
♦ Peaches Geldof and Max Drummey's 97-day-old marriage may already be on the rocks. [The Sun]

In a mock campaign commercial on last night's SNL, Jon Hamm portrayed hapless Butts, New York candidate Pat Finger. Analysts were predicting an even poorer result for a subject of the show's opening satire, embattled Pennsylvania rep John Murtha. The attention paid to Murtha's recent gaffe (in which he called his constituents racists) will likely cost the congressman his House seat next month, observers immediately began to suggest. Can a few minutes really swing that campaign? Click for the video.Standing in the way of Rep. Murtha's re-election is Iraqi War vet Lt. Col. William Russell, who came into the race with a far smaller profile. After describing the area he represents as racist and redneck in separate recent comments, he was already expecting his five point edge over Russell to continue evaporating. And then this largely unfunny thing happened last night: Observer of the contest Mark Hemingway immediately wrote that the sketch

• Ruffle-loving fashion designer Betsey Johnson closed on a one-bedroom, 850-square-foot condo on the 10th floor of 30 East 85th Street for $1.854 million.