The Best of YouTube in 4 Minutes
Richard Blakeley · 11/03/09 07:00AMOMG!1!1! Have you heard? You can now watch video on the internet!!! Seriously folks, we're not making this stuff up!
OMG!1!1! Have you heard? You can now watch video on the internet!!! Seriously folks, we're not making this stuff up!
Not that it's news, but jesus, O'Reilly, you're a dick. It's Friday night, everyone's about to enjoy their weekend, and what do you do? You bring on the parent of some cute YouTube sensation kid, and skewer him.
You cokeheads just don't listen to reason. So the government tried metaphors. Remember when they cracked an egg, representing your brain, into a sizzling frying pan, representing drugs, to indicate that drugs will "fry" your brain? Years after that, it turns out that people are still doing drugs! Now the UK government has hit on a brilliant message: If you do coke, you are killing this innocent dog. The clever use of a grisly puppy murder makes this, honestly, the best anti-drug campaign we've seen in quite a while. Tell poor scruffy Pablo you needed that bump—or tell his dead body:
So the British attached some teddy bears to weather balloons, floated 'em up, and enthusiastically reported that said bears had reached the edge of space—and returned safely to earth, as well! They've "become the first soft toys to take part in extra-vehicular activity (to use correct NASA jargon) at such an altitude," reports the Daily Mail. Um, good work, Great Britain! Now what? (America, fuck yeah!)
This video basically sums up everything you missed in St. Paul this week. Liz Glover, DC-based videographer to the internet stars, sneaks into the CNN Grill while Sarah Palin's rant against community organizing distracts everyone. She tries to interview John Oliver but apparently he needs "approval" from "Comedy Central" or something. Then she meets a dog. The dog's name is "Sarah" and it is "panting" over all the "red meat" while literally attacking the media. McCain/Dog '08!!! [Wonkette]
Beloved brilliant genius intellectual novelist Keith Gessen seems a little stressed out! He freely admits that he's losing, or has lost, his mind. (Just when the world needs it most!) He wants desperately to take back the internet, from the geighs, and he speaks for the elite trees. But he promised, last night, to do some things that will help. He will live an admirable life, and he will "adopt the kittens and date everyone." Ok, Keith! Here is your kitten. She is a stray from beautiful Ocean Hill, Brooklyn, right off the J. She lives on your Day Editor's stoop and loves people. Right now her name is "Sammy Davis Mewnior" but you could name her "George Meorwell" or "Mrs. Keith Gessen" or whatever if you wanted to. More adorable photos after the jump!
Kittens: they just won't go away. You must look at them! They and their assorted cute friends—puppies, monkeys, duckies, hippopotami—have taken over the internet, and have already become a leading addiction among men and women alike. Cute cravings must be fed, productivity be damned. A baby bear licking a swan! A parakeet wearing a tutu! A kitten roller skating on the back of a pink stingray! The Observer predicts a "cuteness surge." This will be our downfall. Our supposedly sophisticated elites have allowed their cutie wootie nom nom nuzzle muzzle urges to become their drug, their porn, their shame:
The demented incompetents a the Port Authority are proceeding with plans to exterminate hundreds of cats at JFK, according to the Humane Society and Mayor's Alliance for NYC Animals. Various cat organizations have been trying, since 2004, to humanely control the feral animals, which live in a rusty truck near Delta's cargo area, but the Port Authority never gave them permission to start neutering the animals, a technique that swiftly reduced cat populations at Rikers Island and elsewhere. The port has been "negotiating" with the Humane Society since August, but broke off talks on Memorial Day, presumably because it thought the disturbing news would get buried amid the holidays (that tactic only works in the days just before a big holiday, monsters). Instead the port insists on sending the cats to a better place, where they will all die:
A tipster—who insists in no uncertain terms that he is not "friends" with the former governor of New Jersey and noted Gay American—forwards us this adorable image of Jim McGreevey's brand-new puppies. Sooo cute! Unfortunately, Dina Matos will sell them all to a puppy fur-obsessed heiress and use the money to buy more helicopters. [Facebook]
OMG, there's a little village of stray cats and they all live at the airport in "makeshift cubicles made of plastic packing containers nestled in cargo carts that once carried transcontinental luggage" under a rusty old tanker truck. Airport employees, the most bitter and hateful people on this earth, have been taking care of them for years, as these cats are their last, tenuous connection to their own humanity. AND NOW THE PORT AUTHORITY IS ROUNDING THEM UP.