In a surreal moment of television and civilization as we know it, Toronto mayor Rob Ford withstood three full segments of Jimmy Kimmel's abuse as a guest on tonight's Jimmy Kimmel Live.

On Tuesday's Late Night with Seth Meyers, Kanye West truly cracked the Matrix. Without raising his voice or spiraling into narrative curlicues or providing any of the intensity necessary to render this 2+ minute verbal essay on his creative prowess a "rant," West lucidly explained what he's been saying for a while now: He feels stifled by powers that be who expect him to work in a certain way because of his established profile. He feels limited in his permitted expression, particularly when it comes to fashion.

"Nobody's going to remember that he was a marginal singer, but they're going to remember a young kid who had a chance to have it all and who's blowing it by acting like a fool." - Perpetual fountain of wisdom Judge Judy on Justin Bieber.

A hideous statue of Nirvana's Kurt Cobain is now displayed in his awful little hometown's local history museum, so that visitors can remember him not as the last rock 'n roller to rule America but instead as a weeping bummer playing acoustic guitar.

It is a particular treat to see a Hayao Miyazaki movie on the big screen, and the Japanese animator's latest is no exception. The Wind Rises is as gorgeous as any Studio Ghibli production, crisp and pastel, soothing and stunning. Rife with dream sequences of impossibly layered aircraft against perfect skies dolloped with clouds, Rises reaches the fantastical imaginative heights we've come to expect from Miyazki. And when it isn't wowing you with what you've never seen before, it's wowing you with what you have. There's so much pleasure to be taken from the tiny details that the big screen amplifies: the moths that flock around an outside lantern, the incandescent halo of the moon shining through translucent nighttime clouds, the wildly unnatural colors that sneak in and out of the sky during the final moments of daylight.

This is a perfect moment of television: Kathie Lee Gifford provided the set and then Elaine Stritch spiked an F-bomb right in her face earlier on the Today show.

Richard Heene and his clan of fame chasers appeared on Friday's episode of Oprah: Where Are They Now? He thinks he and his family are known best for the two episodes of Wife Swap that they appeared on, but like much of what came out of his mouth during this bizarre interview, that's bullshit.

You may remember 34-year-old Israeli model Orit Fox from a viral video that circulated a few years ago, in which she openly flirted with a snake and the snake proceeded to bite her on her clearly fake breast and then some guy off camera frantically said a string of non-English words ending on "titty," and everyone laughed despite the horrific snake bite that just occurred because "titty" is universal.

The focus of this week's episode of the U.K.'s Secrets of South America was Argentina (last week's, featuring the clip of the beauty queen with mesh sewn to her tongue, was Venezuela). The show, a sort of modern imagining of the Prosperi/Jacopetti Mondo movies as hosted by a perky cross between Alexa Chung and Fiona Apple (Billie JD Porter), focused on the seeming contradiction between a society so liberal about sex (Argentina was, for example, the first Latin American country to legalize gay marriage) yet guided by the Catholic church.

Pouty singer/rapper/SNL phenom Drake generally comes off as affable (he is Canadian) despite his brand somewhat being defined by his perpetual case of the moods. But not this time. Drake is pissed. Drake is disgusted. The press is evil.

Yoruba Richen's documentary The New Black (opening today at New York's Film Forum) achieves what seemed impossible before it: It examines the generalized notion that the black community is homophobic with specificity and subtlety. Using the backdrop of the fight for marriage equality in Maryland in 2012 (where it was eventually approved by voters), Richen's film examines both sides of the debate within the black community by primarily using the National Black Justice Coalition Sharon J. Lettman-Hicks to represent the pro-equality side, and Maryland Marriage Alliance's Derek McCoy as the face of the anti-equality side.

Well, at least Miley is no longer the most embarrassing member of the Cyrus family (for now). Witness her dad Billy Ray's collaboration with Dionne Warwick's hip-hop rappin' son (says Complex) Buck 22, "Achy Breaky 2." Buck's first verse speaks of a chance meeting with Cyrus and concludes that this song happened because "I'd rather be lucky than good." Is that self-aware trolling I detect?

These clips come from last night's HBO documentary Questioning Darwin. Says the first interviewee you'll see above, Pastor Peter LaRuffa, "If somewhere within the Bible, I were to find a passage that said 2 + 2 = 5, I wouldn't question what I'm reading in the Bible. I would believe it, accept it as true, and then do my best to work it out and understand it."

In the Vlad TV interview above, rapper turned singing AutoTune addict T-Pain calls homophobia "terrible" and "weird," says he doesn't "fuck with" people who shun gays, and claims to know artists who won't work with Frank Ocean because he once wrote a Tumblr post about falling in love with a man. Throughout, T-Pain is seemingly tipsy and decidedly animated, which makes his entire spiel delightful. I mean, there's plenty to get offended over here, if you wish to nitpick, so don't fret. T-Pain will give you something to do if you're bored and looking to get mad.

In the clip above, 2013 Miss Venezuela First Runner-Up Wi May Nava describes the plastic surgery she underwent to compete in pageants (boob and nose jobs). She also talks about the piece of mesh that she has sewn to her tongue so that she can't eat solid foods (this description, btw, took place before she won her runner-up title). We've come so far as a species from The Real World L.A. when Tami had her jaw wired shut for the same effect.

Tonight marks Jay Leno's final episode as host of The Tonight Show, after occupying that position for some 21 non-consecutive years. Many would argue that he stole that job from David Letterman, whom Leno's predecessor, Johnny Carson, had picked for the spot. Many would argue that he then stole it again from Conan O'Brien, who briefly occupied the spot from 2009-2010 when Leno failed to transition his act to prime time.

Even Michael Powell thinks Nipplegate was overblown, now.

Spoilers here. Get your spoilers here.

In the weirdest look for hip-hop since...oh, Sunday, when Macklemore won all of those Grammys, rapper Wiz Khalifa appeared on E!'s catty Fashion Police. If you haven't seen it, the show is kind of like the judging deliberations on reality competitions stretched out for an entire hour. Every week the winner is Joan Rivers because everyone on the panel (including babbleheads Kelly Osbourne and Giuliana Rancic) bellows at her jokes and otherwise kisses her ass.

Did you see the Grammys on Sunday? It doesn't matter if you didn't or if your fingers suddenly just spontaneously broke, rendering you unable to Google or click anything and forcing you to stay on this very page. Who needs Beyoncé's show-stopping opening number when you can watch Vin Diesel's rendition of the same song? Watch him walk, watch him stand, watch him move his body like a toddler with a full diaper. Watch him lip synch not for his life, but for yours.