Hugh Hefner is upset about a rumor that the Playboy mansion smells like urine. He admits his life "reads like bad fiction," but he's not a sex slave rapist in a palace of poop. Just a horny old control freak.

84-year-old Hugh Hefner is getting married to 24-year-old girlfriend Crystal Harris and, according to the old man's Twitter account: "This is the happiest Christmas weekend in memory." So that basically means it's the happiest Christmas since last Christmas, right?