Murdering someone and then using her phone to send text messages to her family saying she is tied up in a basement somewhere in an attempt to throw investigators off track: something that we sincerely hope does not become a trend. [NYP]

Disgraced former NYPD commissioner Bernie Kerik is about to be sentenced. Prosecutors are asking for a stiff penalty, since he "became a wealthy man by shamelessly exploiting the most horrific civilian tragedy in this nation's history." So...Giuliani's next? [NYT]

Italian-American stereotype found next to Italian American Museum.

Gigi Jordan, a multi-million pharmaceutical executive, was found in her $2,300/night suite "babbling incoherently" after trying to commit suicide, while her eight year-old son lay dead next to her. She's being charged with feeding him an overdose of pills.

Last night Hollywood's disgraceful frat boy older brother Charlie Sheen called the cops to say his Mercedes was stolen. At the same time, it's On-Star device called the po-po to say the car was wrecked. Only we know what happened.

Nick Snider was charged with "offering sexual favors to Arkansas cops" after being arrested on a drunk-and-disorderly call, allegedly saying, "I'll suck your dick and balls if you let me go." Deliverance was in Georgia, Nick. PS, nice shirt. [TheSmokingGun.com]

"The conservative online news entrepreneur Andrew Breitbart is, for the moment, doing little to dispel stereotypes about bloggers." Now why does that sentence end with the word "bloggers" and not "conservative assholes with persecution complexes"?

"It's now just a matter of timing" before Dr. Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson's infamous doctor and alleged pill-pusher, is charged with involuntary manslaughter, reports TMZ. The crime is a felony and carries a maximum prison sentence of four years. Dr. Murray is reportedly planning to surrender himself to Los Angeles authorities today. [TMZ]

Hours after Stephen Garcia and his 9-month-old son's bodies were discovered on a San Bernardino hiking trail, dead from an apparent murder-suicide, his Facebook profile announced activity: Stephen Garcia had uploaded a suicide note and video tribute to his family.

Condé Nast set up a hotline for ratting out coworkers who release secrets, take "unauthorized discounts" or just straight steal from the company. That sort of highway robbery is permissible only between a top editor and a consenting Si Newhouse.

A man was murdered by a rapper—from Sweden! Insert coded racist statement here.

The Way We Live Now: Like a smooth criminal. Well, "smooth" is not quite the right word. Desperate? Yes. And occasionally inept. There are no banks left to rob. There's no bull market left to milk!

Finally, Andrew Breitbart is speaking out on the liberal media's railroading of phone tap pimp James O'Keefe. Bonus: Lloyd Grove also gets Breitbart to reveal when he's being cantankerous, and when he's merely being jocular. Invaluable perspective! [Daily Beast]

Rip Torn was heroically arrested for breaking into a bank drunk and armed over the weekend. Sadly, he wasn't launching a populist anti-banking revolution; he was so drunk, "he thought he had been dozing in his home." [NYP]

An urgent, belated news bulletin: Lisa Guttilla, a gym teacher arrested Friday for illegally sexing up a 14 year-old girl, taught at the same high school as the famous Hot Sexxxy Lesbian Teachers. James Madison High's amazing current scandal tally:

I mean, at what point does anybody think getting drunk and then breaking into banks is a good idea? Once Rip Torn sobers up, he might be able to tell us. Because he got arrested after doing so last night.

"'When I saw that on the news I thought he looked like one of the people from Star Wars,' the detective said. He was referring to Tusken Raiders, also known as Sand People."

Here are selections from Rep. Henry Hyde's 217-page FBI file, which details a four-year FBI investigation into allegations that he took bribes to steer state contracts to favored companies when he was an Illinois state senator.

Scott Roeder has been convicted of the premeditated, first-degree murder of Dr. George Tiller. He faces a mandatory life sentence. The jury deliberated for 37 minutes. [Kansas City Star]

The Who are playing the Super Bowl in Miami next week. So 1,500 homes in Brevard Country received this warning about Pete Townshend. Kids: If he offers to let you "check out his Bridgestone Tires," tell an adult. [Page2Live]