crazies

Democrats to Legalize Military Dog Fucking

Hamilton Nolan · 12/09/11 09:11AM

Congratulations, America: you've gotten what you wished for. You elected Barack "Hussein" Obama as commander in chief. He quickly allowed homosexuals to serve as proud members of the US Armed Forces, standing buttock-to-buttock in foxholes next to normal young American boys. (After the war is over, they can marry, now.) It was only a matter of time before our fighting men were encouraged to start fucking dogs.

Insane J.P. Morgan Stalker Is Why You Shouldn't Date Investment Bankers

Max Read · 12/06/11 10:40AM

Sure, dating an investment banker seems nice. He's rich! He dresses well! So what if he's married? He takes you out on his boat! And then he follows you to London, breaks into your apartment, steals candlesticks, pretends to be an Israeli secret agent, and puts a tracking device in your bag.

Man Follows Up Incompetent Hostage-Taking With Lawsuit Against Victims

Max Read · 11/29/11 05:50PM

Taking people hostage used to mean something, you know? If you took a guy hostage, it was a big deal. It was a bond for life! These days, though? These days you can't trust your hostages farther than you can throw them, after you've killed them and wrapped their bodies in tarp.

How to Be a High-Powered Literary Agent, by a Crazy Person

Hamilton Nolan · 11/28/11 03:31PM

Earlier today, our office receptionist got a call from a secretive man demanding my phone number, though he wouldn't say why. (She thought he sounded angry, though perhaps he was just excited.) He settled for my email address, and sent the following message:

Andrea Peyser's No Good, Very Bad Day at Occupy Wall Street

Hamilton Nolan · 11/16/11 09:31AM

Yesterday morning, a tipster pointed us to this Twitter posting about our favorite New York Post sex and hatred columnist: "Just saw Andrea Peyser say "Fuck you!" to a man questioning her attempted ambushing of a man who dared to (gasp!) bring a child to #OWS." Then another tipster sent us this photo of Andrea looking positively despondent down at OWS. Why the sour face, Andrea? Perhaps her column today holds some clues!

FBI Foils Crazy Old Georgia Hicks' Big Talkin' Plot

Hamilton Nolan · 11/03/11 09:20AM

No law enforcement agency in the world is better than our own FBI when it comes to thwarting terror plots that never would have come to fruition anyhow, because they consisted mainly of pitiful people sitting around boasting to FBI informants. The latest triumph by our domestic anti-terror heroes: saving America from a bunch of old Georgia loons who sat around the Waffle House talking about their big assassination ideas.

Herman Cain Produces Best/Worst Campaign Ad Ever

Max Read · 10/24/11 08:06PM

Here's a brand new Herman Cain campaign ad, starring chief of staff Mark Block, that was just posted, unlisted, to his official YouTube channel. As far as we can tell, Block is drunk, and outside an Olive Garden? And the cameraman is some guy with an iPhone, also drunk, whom Block met at the bar? But, really, the horrible panning and cheap tilt-shift filter are nothing compared to what happens at the 40-second mark. Just trust us on this one, okay? We told you the guy was stupid! [via @pourmecoffee]