This year, the Summer Olympics feature three dozen different sports. At least half of them are awful. Instead of hearing all the fans of minor sports complain when you banish them, why not simply fold them into other sports, creating a new, more entertaining sport?

The celebrity foodies among you will be pleased and scared to know that homebot Martha Stewart is "poised for multi-platform expansion opportunities" now that she has acquired Emeril Lagasse's New Orleans-based food empire for a cool $50 million. BAM!, we say predictably. The only losers in the deal? Those Penn students who were complaining a few weeks ago about a false rumor that the entertaining multimillionaire Emeril would be their commencement speaker this year. Instead, they got stuck with boring multibillionaire Mike Bloomberg. Enjoy the following clip involving Emeril and bologna, back before he totally sold out: