James Franco grabs overexposure by the balls, then teabags it, in Columbia College Hollywood's Master Class: Editing James Franco… with James Franco, in which film students edit footage of James Franco under James Franco's tutelage while James Franco films them.

The number of applications to Columbia University shot up by 32% this year. Why? Probably because state schools suck and other NYC colleges are banning smoking, while Columbia has readily available drugs and awesome professors. Plus, Columbia=cool.

According to stats compiled by the New York Post, there were 121 disciplinary drug busts at uptown nerdfest Columbia last year, compared to 610 at artfag haven NYU. Do NYU kids do more drugs? Possibly. Or, security are just dicks.

David Epstein, 46, a political science professor at Columbia University, was arrested and charged with a single felony count of incest on Wednesday. He was reportedly engaged in a three-year-long consensual sexual relationship with his 24-year-old daughter.

Today we heard the story of the Iliad-reading Columbia kids who were arrested for drug dealing. Sucks, man! How could they have avoided the clink? By reading a different classic book, yo.

Today saw the arrest of five Columbia frat boys accused of selling every drug a co-ed could ever need. We located three on Facebook earlier today. Here's the fourth: Stephan Vincenzo, "campus character," Reggaeton singer, thrower of "sick" parties.

You know it's a good story when it begins with a narcotics task force called "Operation: Ivy League." After months undercover with kids who are reading the Iliad, the NYPD busted five alleged frat boy drug dealers at Columbia University.

Tabloid sex cheerleader Andrea Peyser has had it with college kids these days who are not constantly fucking each other. Columbia nerds: start boning everyone everywhere at once, or be scolded in your city's semi-literate local newspaper.

Apparently recruiters have complained to the board of a Columbia investment banking club that students they are meeting with about potential jobs haven't been keeping up their end of the ol' societal hygiene bargain. So, an embarrassing memo went out.

Columbia is America's "most sexually healthy" university. All virgins. Kidding! Least healthy: University of Idaho. Sad.

Corporate buyout king Henry Kravis is donating $100 million to Columbia's Business School, which will help the school add 450,000 square feet of space. Which raises an interesting point about these types of donations: they are loathsome.

Janette Turner Hospital is the author of Orpheus Lost and other books, and a professor at Columbia. She sent MFA students at her old school, the University of South Carolina, the following note about their inferiority. It is amazing.

Chronically masturbating actor James Franco has finally responded to reports he slept through class at Columbia: "It was this extra thing, it was 10 at night, it wasn't a class." Sounding a little cranky—maybe Jimmy needs a nap?

Columbia University President Lee Bollinger will chair the New York Fed's board of directors.

Columbia University's General Studies valedictorian Brian Corman copied a Patton Oswalt joke verbatim in his valedictory speech. Between this and Ann Curry's inability to identify which college she was addressing, this year's is one bum commencement crop.

An appeals court ruled that Columbia University can't use eminent domain to grab property it wants for its expansion just by calling its neighborhood "blighted." The judges pointed out: Columbia is so freaking shady.

The Yale Daily News that came out on Friday (we know, we're late) is decorated like a retro teen mag for their interview with James Franco. Oh, and Hollywood's gayest actor is considering moving to New Haven for his PhD!

It took a punch to the face to make newspapers edgy again. Could a drunken punch to the face (of a woman), after an argument about racism, make the Ivy League edgy, too? One Columbia prof is testing that theory!

Bee Shaffer is rebelling against her mother, Vogue editrix Anna Wintour, by joining the ranks of new media. We hear that she is the new assistant to Ricky Van Veen, the editor in chief of College Humor.

It was announced today that Disney shelled out $4 billion for Marvel Entertainment, Inc. Not only does it now own Spider-Man, the X-Men, and Iron Man, but is also in business with almost every Hollywood studio. What a tangled web!