A Colombian colonel has apologized to the families of two young men killed by the military after being ordered to do so by military command, Colombia Reports tells us. The murders were part of an ongoing scandal in Colombia that took part over the past two decades, known as the "false positives." From Colombia Reports:

"Distraught over the loss of her grandfather and her parents' divorce," 14-year-old Jakadrien Turner ran away from home, WFAA Dallas reports. Arrested for shoplifting in Houston, she used a fake name that actually belonged to a 22-year-old undocumented immigrant wanted for arrest. What follows is a nightmarish series of mistaken identities and institutional failures, culminating in a teen girl trapped alone and pregnant in a third-world prison.

In your careful study of the U.S.-Colombia Trade Agreement, you possibly failed to consider how such a document might impact the relative sex toy industries of the two participating nations. The short answer: It will be a mutually beneficial sex-industrial relationship.

Alfonso Cano, leader of left-wing guerrilla group FARC, was reportedly killed in a raid by the Colombian military. Cano, a middle-class intellectual, apparently shaved off his trademark bushy "middle-class intellectual" beard before he died; he was identified by his fingerprints.

A "mischievous magician" and his two assistants are reportedly in police custody in southwestern Colombia after a "mass hypnosis" session that led to the hospitalization of 75 schoolchildren, according to a regional radio station. Parents of the afflicted students of the Institución Educativa Ciudad Mocoa have asked authorities to allow the magician to visit the hospital, so he can release the children from the trance.

Police in Colombia have arrested a pigeon that was struggling to fly over the walls of Bucaramanga prison with 1.6 ounces of weed strapped to its back. A police commander called it "a new case of criminal ingenuity."

Colombian special forces infiltrated territory occupied by FARC rebels and installed Christmas lights on an 82-foot high tree. They hope that this will encourage them to surrender. Except the Jewish FARC rebels, I guess?

[Cars in a flooded parking lot in Palmira, Colombia, where La Niña has caused an exceptionally wet rainy season, bringing with it floods, landslides, and 130 deaths. Photo via AP.]

[A man carries his dog on his back while riding a bicycle during Colombia's Animal Day celebration (Pic by AP)]

On August 17, a list of the names of 69 young men in Puerto Asis, Colombia was published on Facebook. Leave town in three days, the list warned, or you will be executed. Now, three of the men are dead.

Police in Colombia found a gold painted replica World Cup trophy in a mail warehouse at the international airport in Bogota yesterday that was bound for Spain. It was 14 inches tall and made of 11 kilos of cocaine.

• The week in reviews: Pete Wells of the Times shows little love for Hotel Griffou this week, leaving the Village hotspot starless; TONY's Jay Cheshes has nice things to say about Michael Psilakis' Gus & Gabriel; NY's Patronite & Raisfeld weigh in on Brooklyn's Fort Defiance; RG visits Yerba Buena Perry; and Gael Greene shares thoughts on Jeffrey Chodorow's latest, Ed's Chowder House.
• More photos/details about the new MePa venue Abe & Arthur's. [TFB, Eater]
• Are those calorie counts that are now posted for all to see (sigh) actually making a difference? Unclear, but the city is now conducting "research." [NYT]
• Incoming Tavern on the Green operator Dean Poll says it will take up to four years (and lots of cash, of course) to finish renovations on the space. [NYP]
• Nevermind the endless delays and appalling lack of legroom, some airlines are now offering passengers their very own signature cocktails. Yay! [VV]
• Do you know a "foodiot"? Probably, although you may be one, too. [NYO]
• If Mike Bloomberg asks you to bring over dinner, you can't go wrong with the half chicken with herbs at Quatorze Bis or the Sichuan shrimp from Shun Lee Palace. Whatever you do, do not pick up anything from Blue Smoke. [NYT]

Like the Costa Rican president before him, Colombian president Alvaro Uribe has the fearsome swine flu. He came down with the symptoms during a meeting with regional leaders. Ha! And they're worried about the American military? [WaPo]

Cocaine production in Colombia was down 28% last year. Production was up in Peru and Bolivia—but only 430 metric tons of that classic Colombian powder. Probable culprit: all those canceled Wall Street Christmas parties.