• Butterscotch Stallion shuns 2-dimensional image of Kate Hudson. Still probably sleeping with real Kate Hudson. [US Weekly]
• Jenny McCarthy still exists? [Cindy Adams]
• Tom Cruise wins award for being kind of an asshole. In other news, Tom Cruise finally gets something the old fashioned way, by earning it. [Salon]
• Carly Simon gets spanked before every show. We refrain from making jokes in honor of our mother's love for Carly Simon. [Gatecrasher, 3rd item]
• Former US WeeklyStar writerresearcher wins right to finally write book no one wants to read. (Sorry, our bad. Still, we feel the heart of the joke was in the right place.) [Page Six]
• Cindy Adams to shit in woods. [Cindy Adams]
• Television industry masturbates, cums on its own face. [TMZ]