One of the Cuban spies released in a prisoner exchange this month may have been imprisoned in California, but his sperm sure wasn't.

Dear KarenUhOh: Jeez, thanks for the shoes! Wow. I feel so dirty! Demanding shoes on a blog is almost the most unprofessional thing I have ever done. (Now I know how all those lady fashion writers feel!) Well hey, while we're on a Christmas-time roll, the next thing we would like to ask for is for a boyfriend for our not-actually supergay IT warrior Jory. He is not supergay because he loves heavy metal, though he is technically a gay. He describes his religion on Facebook as Satanist-sympathizer, and is, as you can see, terrifically good-looking. Go on, impress him with a message! P.S. If you hurt him, we will kill you.