By now you've probably figured out that we cropped the word "photos" from the end of the headline, but would anyone really be that surprised to learn that Hollywood's Most Socially Responsible Couple (or, more accurately, Hollywood's Most Socially Responsible Actress And The Dude Who Goes Along With Whatever She Says Because The Sex Is Still Mind-Blowing) decided to set an almost unattainable example of selflessness for their less generous peers by auctioning off young Shiloh to the highest bidder, then donating the proceeds to their favorite charity? Even with their biological daughter becoming the exclusive property of People, they'd still have their two previous adorable adoptees upon whom to lavish their love, and should they ever get the urge to wipe out illiteracy in Chad, they could have a new baby ready to go to market in about nine months.

· Idol champ Taylor Hicks wound up working at Wal-Mart even more quickly than we thought he would.
· If you can first get past the shocking fact that the $17,000 binky gifted to Shiloh Jolie-Pitt exists, have fun reading about what else that $17K could buy in Africa.
· Jared Leto is actually kind of good at the "acting like a total asshole" part of being a rock star.
· The Break-Up has risen 32% on the Tomato Meter in a mere two days! If they can dig up another hundred reviews, they might break the 50% barrier by Monday.
· Mothers are terrified to have their babies on 6/6/06, fearing that their children will be born into the world as shitty horror movie remakes.

The suspicious birth of Suri Cruise was met with a local outbreak of the bubonic plague, so we can't say we're all that surprised that another monumental celebrity infant arrival was met with a fresh wave of pestilence. The death toll should stop at three, however, as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie rush to the outbreak site, knowing that exposure to the Chosen One will immediately cure those afflicted with the mystery disease.

The folks over at esteemed Scary Hollywood Lawyer factory Lavely & Singer gave Angelina Jolie an incredibly thoughtful gift shortly after the Namibian birth of her baby, registering an array of domain names, including ShilohJoliePitt.com and ShilohNouvelJoliePitt.com, for their highly valued client. It's the latest indication of how much better the Jolie-Pitt image machine is run than the rival, suspicion-inviting Cruise-Holmes team. Cruise's lawyer, Bert Fields, carelessly opted to send some knit booties as a shower gift and let SuriCruise.com slip through the cracks, resulting in the embarrassing Countdown to Legality that gleefully informs us that there are only 6530 days, 12 hours, 52 minutes, and 40 seconds until Suri's 18th birthday.

· Good news! Lisa Turtle isn't all coked up! And she's willing to sue to make sure everyone knows it.
· You've read about the Chosen One, now buy the t-shirt commemorating the place of her birth.
· Our gearheaded brother site Jalopnik is all geeked up over some leaked set pics from the Transformers movie. Michael Bay has hurt us before, so we're holding back our enthusiasm for now.
· If the photos of a clean-cut K-Fed weren't enough to chill your soul, try the images at Catlebrity on for size. We're convinced the one of Paris Hilton is what we'll see before we die.
· A starting bid of just under $1,000 gets you a shot at winning a real Britney Spears wedding invitation. But why not wait a while and see how much longer the marriage lasts before dropping a grand?

Ever since Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie announced that the couple was supplementing their adopted brood with a biological offspring, the tabloids' favorite psychological bloodsport has been the constant monitoring of Jennifer Aniston's emotional state in the wake of her ex-husband's hasty insemination of the first appropriately famous uterus willing to accept his genetically desirable seed. Accordingly, Star reveals Aniston's reaction to the news that her dread has been made flesh:

Despite the fact that the Chosen One is widely believed to be the savior of mankind and possesses messianic, cripple-healing powers, charging Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt's parents with delivering Namibia from its AIDS and poverty crises swill just set up the African nation for disappointment. Angelina Jolie's much-photographed commitment to charitable causes is unquestioned, and the high-end baby boutiques that might sprout up there may help the local economy, but Brad Pitt may be uncomfortable being saddled with such a massive responsibility for a place he picked out for the birth of their child because "it would be cool to see some lions and shit while Ang pops out the rugrat."

· Gallery of the Absurd makes the heretical claim that the Chosen One might wind up something less than physically perfect, then follows it up with an equally heretical graven image of the baby that will one day save mankind.
· Also: Names Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt Wanted to Name Their Baby But Decided Would Be Too Traumatic
· And one more: "A Hebrew name, Shiloh is 'generally understood as denoting the Messiah, "the peaceful one," ' according to Easton's Bible Dictionary, an 1897 work of biblical definitions." Nothing like getting a kid started early with those messianic expectations.
· After two failed marriages, Halle Berry no longer feels the need to be validated by a husband. Also, she doesn't fear eventually being a single mom, saying, "My mother was alone and raised me. And I think I came out OK," having already forgotten about the absent father issues that probably led to those aforementioned bad relationships.

It almost had to happen this way: Sometime on Saturday night, noted trickster Angelina Jolie finally gave the order to her team of Namibian midwives to administer the bubbling potion that would induce a quick and painless labor and allow the Chosen One, the genetically perfect biological offspring sired by the actress and partner Brad Pitt, to be born while most of the celebrity-obsessed United States population was distracted by the Memorial Day weekend. As almost everyone certainly knows by now, the couple christened their baby girl Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, a twin tribue to Pitt's beloved childhood Labrador and to Jolie's affection for all things vaguely French. Shortly after donating $300,000 to Namibian hospitals for the establishment of high-security, private celebrity birthing facilities, Pitt and Jolie announced plans to tour Africa with young Shiloh, where they expect thousands to gather in various town squares to gaze upon the baby that first introduced their continent to millions of American Us Weekly and Life & Style subscribers. And while some pilgrims will gaze upon the infant and become free of their crutches, wheelchairs, and bad credit ratings, many more will be instantly blinded by direct exposure to her brilliance, the searing of their retinas a painful indication to the unpure of heart that they are not quite ready for an audience with the world's most flawless lovechild.

· Brad Pitt finds himself the target of the celebrity-infant-safety zealots who have mobilized since Britney Spears' repeated, ostentatious child-endangerment episodes after he was seen taking out daughter Zahara for a helmetless [audible gasp!] bicycle ride in a non-bike-ride-approved baby sling [outraged, uncontrollable vomiting!]. [Rush & Molloy]
· Half of Namibians answering a radio poll think that the day that Angelina Jolie gives birth to the Chosen One should be declared a national holiday. It's not quite as good as a religion centered around the genetically perfect infant, but it still would be a nice thank you for all Brad and Ang have done for their country's tabloid profile. [TheAge.com.au]
· The always-reliable British tabloid press claims that Pitt and Jolie have granted the baby's naming rights to a Namibian chief, an honor he earned by murdering a paparazzi with his bare hands to prove his loyalty and by promising in advance to name the baby "Living Symbol Of Angelina's Committment To Alleviating Third-World Suffering." [Life Style Extra/Bang]
· The AP dares ask the chilling existential question, "What if the world's most eagerly awaited celebrity baby were born, and no paparazzi were there to record it?" Answer: Then that baby does not exist. There, that was easy. [AP]

Brad Pitt broke some bad news to his French fans earlier today, begging out of the Cannes debut of his latest movie via an e-mail explaning his absence from the festival: