The yogurt business is not the happy field of pleasant cows that you might imagine. It’s a seething hive of trickery, con jobs, and hustlers who will go to almost any length to make you, the consumer, forget that you are eating bad yogurt.

Research shows that Chobani yogurt ads served to people searching on Yahoo for “yogurt-related terms” did indeed result in them buying more Chobani. Imagine a human pathetic enough to use the worst search engine and eat the worst Greek yogurt. What a vile and disheartening tableau.

As a connoisseur of fine yogurt, you can approach life in one of two ways: get bogged down in the muck of inferior yogurt trench warfare, or you can put on your headphones and settle in with some quality yogurt—because brother, life is too short for bad curdles.

Bad yogurt manufacturer Chobani will be the official Greek yogurt provider for America’s federal school lunch program. Appropriate. For children, Chobani; for adults, Fage; and for society’s most respected heroes, Noosa. Don’t waste the good stuff on kids.

Bad yogurt company Chobani, whose product is to “Greek yogurt” what fermented urine is to champagne, has stooped to an outrageous, sexy new low in trying to distract the public from the taste of its pasty goo.

Hamdi Ulukaya, the creator of the execrable yogurt brand Chobani, has pledged to donate most of his billion-dollar fortune to charity, when all we really want is our $1.69 back for that nasty cup of Chobani.

Hamdi Ulukaya, the recently demoted CEO of garbage yogurt company Chobani, is now focusing his efforts on “developing new products like Flips, a yogurt with toppings on the side.” The only way that could be a more blatant ripoff of Fage would be if Chobani also tasted good.

If you hear lovers of delicious and nutritious yogurt exclaiming "Ding dong!" this morning, you may follow up by exclaiming "The witch is dead!" The king of inferior Greek yogurt has fallen from his curdled throne.

Well, it's done: New York governor Andrew Cuomo has declared yogurt the "Official New York State Snack." Andrew Cuomo is little more than a dancing puppet for Chobani's chalky, curdled agenda. Disgusting and outrageous.

Shame on New York's dysfunctional state government: last night, in a disgusting display of favoritism for special interests, our State Senate attempted to hand the public's whole motherhumping life and legacy over to the forces of Big (Garbage) Yogurt.

Garbage yogurt brand Chobani is planning to launch several new products this year, including desserts and dips. Maybe one of their new products will be "good yogurt."

Not even the homeless and destitute people of America want to eat the second-class Chobani yogurt that's being donated to them after Russia rejected it as a gesture of peace. "They look at it and go, 'Eww.'"

Russia may be run by an iron-fisted dictatorial tyrant who's using the Olympic games as his own personal tool to legitimize his corrupt and unjust reign. Sure. But that doesn't mean he needs to make things worse by allowing shitty yogurt to cross his borders.

The Yogurt Wars continue to descend to previously unimaginable depths of depravity. Now Yoplait is touting the fact that it is tastier than Chobani. Fine. Dog poop may be more toothsome than cow shit, but at least it has the decency not to crow about it.

Whole Foods says it will stop selling bottom-of-the-milk-barrel Greek yogurt brand Chobani in order to make room for yogurts that "are organic, or don't contain genetically modified ingredients." Yeah. And that don't taste like paste. Please, eat the right kind of Greek yogurt in 2014.

Chobani CEO Hamdi Ulukaya is called "the Steve Jobs of yogurt." Yeah, the Steve Jobs of garbage yogurt.