In case the news-cycle warped right past it, just a quick reminder that there is still a Vietnam vet holding a child hostage in an underground bunker in Alabama. After five days, no progress has been made towards freeing the 5-year-old, who was abducted on Tuesday afternoon.

Months before Beyoncé murdered millions of Americans by singing over a previously recorded track at the presidential inauguration, someone asked her to sing songs at the Super Bowl.

Botox Mom Kerry Campbell (who might not be "Kerry Campbell" at all, but a multi-named mystery chupacabra of indeterminate origin) has returned to The Sun, the publication where her insanity spree began, to apologize for shooting botulism into her 8-year-old daughter's face, then bragging about it on TV.

Wisconsin Judge Philip Kirk sentenced a 71-year-old, former school bus driver named Delton Gorges to seven years in prison today. Gorges' crime? Sexually assaulting four boys over the course of 40 years. Gorges, who was once married and has a child, swears he's straight, prompting the judge to make the following observation:

This video is cute—well, it's cute in a "Did that little girl just get possessed by Satan?" way. Anyway! This is Penny. Because Penny's parents are horrible, they decided to feed her grapefruit juice and film the results.

Ayden is two-years-old; therefore, he should care about nothing but candy and pooping, right? Nope! Because Ayden's addicted to Angry Birds, and not even a bribe of candy can make him loosen his grip of his dad's phone. Watch inside.

For your Wednesday edition of, "BAWWWWW!" we've got not an animal video, but one featuring a real live human—two, in fact: a father who "steals" his son's nose, and the little boy, who adorably—and repeatedly—asks for it back.

Meet 12-year-old Natalie. If you don't want to meet Natalie at 12, how about at 10? Or four? Or 18 months? Or birth? Because you can, by watching this time-lapse featuring one photo of her a day for 10 years.

Another fallen soldier: we hear Meredith has aborted baby book Child magazine. Damn you, Cookie, you won't be happy until you have the entire market to yourself, will you? Learn to share! From the inside: "They're keeping 6 people on staff to put out final issue. Everyone else has been asked to leave by tomorrow. Nice guys at Meredith."