Marco Rubio is going the be the Republican candidate for Senate in Florida this year. He is handily beating formerly popular Republican Governor Charlie Crist, because Crist is too moderate and too probably gay. This Rubio guy, though—he is basically the next Scott Brown! Except that once he destroys Crist in the primaries by running way to Charlie's right, it will be a lot harder for him to shift back to Florida's soft, mushy center. Especially when he is already coming out against taxing or regulating banks at all in any fashion. (We are so baffled by these Tea Party people! Aren't they anti-bailout? Anti-bailout and anti-preventing-future-bailouts?) Oh, right: he is beating Crist in the polls. They're both ahead of the Democrat, but the Democrat has not yet begun actually campaigning against this man who loves banks so much he wants to marry them.

The Kardashians are richer than they should be. Michael Douglas: trying to protect his kids from cocaine. Tori Spelling's husband's ex-wife doesn't suck. A celebrity was an asshole. Courtney Love and Hugo Chavez: hooking up? Sunday Morning's Gossip Roundup:

Mel Martinez (R-FLA) is resigning from the Senate. Not in a "not seeking reelection sense," but in a "not coming back from the recess" sense. Why? The dreaded "family reasons."

Former Star reporter Kate Major's definitely one kind of whore, the other, not so sure. Whorebaiting gov'nuhs, too! Walter Cronkite, here? Yeah. Also: Frank McCourt. Paris Hilton, the Chelsea Hotel, some Indie Rock FAIL. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:

It's a big birthday for Jennifer Lopez. She's celebrating the big 4-0 today. Other people who will be blowing out candles this fine Friday: Broadway star Kristin Chenoweth is turning 41. Anna Paquin is 27. Director Doug Liman turns 44. Director Gus Van Sant is turning 57. Billionaire investor Nelson Peltz is 67. Artist Alex Katz is turning 82. Senator Claire McCaskill is 56. Governor Charlie Crist of Florida is 53. Barry Bonds turns 45. Retired basketball stars Rick Fox and Karl Malone are turning 40 and 46, respectively. Michael Richards of Seinfeld fame is turning 60. Actor Dan Hedaya is 69. And Wonder Woman—actress Lynda Carter—celebrates her 58th birthday today. Weekend birthdays after the jump.

Sunday's Daily News featured a gossip item in which a hooker who worked for the same escort agency frequented by Eliot Spitzer claims that she serviced another sitting American governor on three occasions. Who could it be? Let's speculate recklessly!

Here we were thinking all along that Mark Sanford's just been getting raped by mountain people as he hiked the Appalachian trail naked, but authorities have found his SUV abandoned at an airport where Sanford was seen boarding a plane.

Today we learned that South Carolina's wingnut Republican governor, Mark Sanford, has been missing since last week. The staff of the 2012 Republican presidential hopeful now says he is "safe and secure" and "just needed time to clear his head."

Remember how NPR censored the review of the film Outrage because Larry Craig's sexuality is not as newsworthy as Queen Latifah's? They demand a correction of this story of their asinine behavior!

Charlie Crist is going to be your next closeted gay Republican Senator from Florida! Thanks to the liberal media! Adam Lambert should probably look into politics.

All the gay Republicans are going to be OUTED! This threat is made every couple years, usually by Michelangelo Signorile and Mike Rogers. This time, there is a movie coming out!

Republican Florida governor Charlie Crist—who can never shake the unverified gay rumors—was forced to commit a sexual act with a woman yesterday, in public! Now he is married to that voracious female:

Florida governor Charlie Crist is maybe gay, but now he's engaged to a woman, so that he can be John McCain's Vice President. Brilliant GOP political operative Roger Stone explains: "Politics runs on rumors and innuendo, and questions about bachelorhood persist. Getting engaged takes that off the table." See? Now no one will ever call him gay again. Roger Stone's record of political genius continues! [PalmBeachPost]

Breaking: the (female) fiancée of probably gay Florida governor Charlie Crist owns a company that manufactures beards. [HuffPo]

Charlie Crist is the Republican governor of the great state of Florida. He is pretty popular out there. Less polarizing than Jeb Bush, certainly. And he's been named as a possible running mate for John McCain. There is just one problem. Everyone seems to think he's gay, for some crazy reason. "Some crazy reason," by the way, means "a 21-year-old Katherine Harris staffer who claimed he fucked Crist, and who went on the say that another Harris staffer was Crist's long-term partner." Crist denies everything. And now, conveniently, the heterosexual "Charlie Crist sex tape" (ugggghhhh) has surfaced. You'll never guess who's behind it!