We had planned on completely avoiding the news that British tabloid sensation David "Bend It Like Me" Beckham and his Spice Girl wife will soon alight in Los Angeles to deliver the largely ignored sport of soccer to unprecedented levels of popularity with American tabloid editors, but after receiving multiple media requests this morning for comment on BeckPosh's (do they have one of those cute conflated nicknames yet?) imminent arrival in our city, we now realize the naive folly of thinking we could just ignore the story. And so we offer our official position on the matter: We are wholeheartedly against the idea of foreign attention whores stealing away scarce Lohan-diddling and vagina-flashing opportunities from our homegrown celebutards, and we'd rather see our native paparazzi burn down Los Angeles rather than forfeit their turf to the coming wave of alien guerrilla photographers who will soon be dispatched to document the Beckhams' every Starbucks visit.