While the plight of celebrity munchies-sufferers has been exhaustively documented in Pot Culture, their editors seem to forget that the communing with sweet bud by the highly recognizable masses is not something relegated to the current generation. Why, none other than Dawn Wells, Gilligan's Island's sacrificial-virgin offering to brunette-lovers, was picked up back in October for driving erratically on an Idaho highway. "A search produced four half-smoked joints and two small cases to store marijuana — which she blamed on hitchhikers." She was sentenced to a small fine and six months unsupervised probation, with her coconut bongs and hemp hammocks ordered confiscated from her ganja hut. And commenters be warned: All the Mary Ann/Mary Jane jokes have already been covered by Harvey Levin's ankle-shackled galley slaves. [TMZ]

Breaking! Person with gun arrested at Kate Hudson's house! "A woman called 911 after seeing what she thought were men on her roof with a rifle. When cops arrived, they found two young men, one with a camera and one with an unloaded rifle. From what we're hearing on the scene, the men are telling cops they are shooting a movie — and NYU is nearby. Both men are in cuffs and are still being interviewed at the scene." If it later comes out that one of them was shirtless, it will only confirm our suspicion: That those intrepid Tisch undergrads will stop at nothing to get their sweded version of Fool's Gold on tape. [TMZ]

A lawyer for Andrew Koenig, aka Growing Pain's Richard Milhous "Boner" Stabone, pleaded in Pasadena court today on behalf of their client, who was detained by police for ten hours on New Year's Day for jumping in front of a China-themed Rose Parade float holding a sign that said "China: Free Burma." Interesting Boner fun facts: While his fictional father was Sylvester Stabone, Andrew's real father is Walter Koenig, aka Star Trek's Lt. Pavel Chekov! [Pasadena Weekly]

Rocker/delusionist Courtney Love, has, according to the Sun, filed a report with the Van Nuys police department in which she claims to have been the victim of a massive identity theft operation. Among her allegations: That the thieves opened 188 credit cards (one for every voice in her head!) in her name, bilked Francis Bean's trust fund of $69 million, and purchased a $3.2 million home in New Brunswick using Kurt Cobain's social security number. TMZ did some sniffing, and found that the police had dismissed the case as imagined, and that Love had been "diagnosed with bipolar disorder." Which brings us to this response on her MySpace blog, where some of the most exciting advancements in the realm of post-linguistic lunatic theory are being made:

We apologize for being a little behind the curve on the story of Thelma Dennis, the 50-year-old woman who tormented British police and emergency workers for 24 years by obsessively phoning in fake bomb threats to 999, the U.K.'s version of 911. Apparently, not even a court-mandated electrode therapy, "which left her screaming in pain every time she dialed the third '9' of 999" seemed to break the crank-calling cycle. We'll leave you now to gaze into her mischief-making eyes as you assess such imponderables as, "What about a court-appointed taking of her phone away?" And if you're still looking for the Defamer angle to all this, well, we think there's a TNT Original in here somewhere. No need to thank us—an Associate Producer credit will do. [news.bbc.co.uk]

It's hard to believe it's taken six years for the Feds to bring their case against wiretapper-to-the-stars Anthony Pellicano to court. Along the way, the promise of dirt the likes of which Hollywood has never seen was dangled before us like a Sprinkles cupcake lowered by fishing line in front of Kirstie Alley, only to then be cruelly snapped away: The investigation turned up nothing juicier than some false statements made to the FBI by Die Hard director John McTiernan, regarding his hiring of Pellicano to tap his Rollerball producing partner's phone conversations. (He said he didn't, but it turns out he did. Oopsies!)

Only those of you with elephantine memories will recall the case of Charlene Richards, the nurse that was hired to watch over legendary television superproducer Aaron Spelling during his final, bedridden days. While under the employ of the Spellings, Richards found herself in hot water after she refused to ride the grumpy old man's baloney pony. She was quickly fired for insubordination, but she didn't go quietly. She filed a sexual harrassment lawsuit, during the process of which her team of legal eagles sent a questionnaire out to over 600 actresses (including Heather Locklear and Teri Hatcher) asking if they, too, had been forced to endure the come-ons of the doddering billionaire. Well, as you can assume, the Spelling estate was none too happy about the media attention this received (one headline read "Sex Scandal Rocks Hollywood"), and they consequently filed a countersuit charging Richards' lawyer with defamation. All of this preamble serves to set-up this note: earlier today, the California Appeals Court threw the suit out. And that concludes today's episode of L.A. Law. Now, if you'll excuse us, we must be going. We hear that Arnie Becker is throwing a raging kegger, and we want to get a few words in edgewise with Grace Van Owen before she gets sloppy. [THR, Esq.]

Jerry Seinfeld, whom we most recently had the pleasure of hearing robotically introduce the nominees for Best Animated Short through the guise of the CGI star of his egregiously under-publicized Bee Movie, is currently being sued by cookbook author Missy Chase Lapine for comments he made on Late Show with David Letterman. On the show, he called Lapine, who had expressed concern that Mrs. Seinfeld had stolen the basic concept of her book, a "wacko" waiting "in the woodwork," "hysterical," and "a three-name woman...and many of the three-named people do become assassins—Mark David Chapman, James Earl Ray..." Now Seinfeld's lawyers are trying to have the suit thrown out, claiming the comments were jokes, no more harmful to Lapine's reputation than an exasperatedly humorous observation about airplane-peanut packaging:

Last Sunday's LAT ran a story about Ryan Kavanaugh, a 33-year-old middleman between Hollywood and the secretive and incredibly confusing world of hedge funds. They reported that Kavanaugh, a former dotcom financier with a long list of EP credits to his name, would sell the private investment groups on "slates" of movies, investing hundreds of millions in a dozen films at a time (to lessen the impact of any single stinker). Of course, this is Hollywood, where stinkers come in biblical proportions, and their investment quickly dwindled to barely the value of a concession stand Combo Pack. Now, armed with Scary Hollywood Lawyer Martin Singer, Kavanaugh is fighting back, claiming the entire piece was planted by his publinemesis Mike Sitrick, who is currently suing Kavanaugh for "allegedly mismanaging a multimillion-dollar investment."

We can't say we know much about Bai Ling, save that she's ubiquitous (watch her ghostly apparition suddenly appear and start signing autographs next to Larry King in this paparazzi video), gave some of the most brain-meltingly awful (in the good way) musical performances in TV history on But Can They Sing?, could safely be classified as "fashion forward," and generally enjoys being the center of attention. In fact, now that we really think about it, she's done nothing but bring us joy, however obliquely. So we'll refrain from passing judgment on her arrest yesterday for swiping two magazines and a pack of batteries at an LAX magazine stand, or snickering at her mugshot, in which she just looks kind of sad. We're sure that after the proper shopliftinghab treatment, Ling will back to her old self in no time, full of vitality and grabbing Santa by the balls.

With the joyous news that the writers strike has unequivocally ended, an historic accord marked by Nick Counter and Patric Verrone appearing together on the balcony of the Warner Bros. water tower on Valentine's Day eve, as thousands below chant, "Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" until the reluctant peacemakers finally acquiesce to a deafening roar of approval, it would seem everything is right again in the magical realm of Hollywoodland. Which makes this rumor all the more disconcerting: Could the NBC Universal ruler, whose upward-failing rise to power was prophesied in lesser-known New Testament appendix The Book of Jeff, really be mulling a lawsuit with the HFPA against the WGA for robbing them of a Golden Globes ceremony? Deadline Hollywood Daily says it could be so:

We now return to the Everybody's Suing Everybody Day festivities with the ongoing feud between Kathleen Turner and Nic Cage, the former having accused the latter in her upcoming autobiography of having several DUI and dog-snatching marks on his personal record. An irate Cage quickly issued a denial, out of concern that Turner's tales might render his many impressionable young fans incapable of separating truth from fiction: The last thing the world needs is a spate of renegade Chihuahuanappings, or, heaven's forfend, a troubling new trend in which confused teens light their heads on fire before embarking on stolen-motorcycle joyrides. Perhaps to fully hammer his message home, Cage has now filed a "defamaton, libel and slander" suit against his Peggy Sue Got Married co-star in British court:

We can barely keep up with the Barron Hilton DUI news! TMZ reports he had a blood alcohol level of .14, and that his father released this statement: "I haven't been contacted yet by either my son or the police. If what I have heard is true, it is very disturbing and I will have a lot to say- but it will be to my son not the media." The wealthy private school world, meanwhile, is abuzz, with Eastland Academy student Tootie Ramsey noting, "There's gonna be troubllllllle..." to which classmate Natalie Green added, "Make that doublllllle!" Developing... [TMZ, TMZ]

18-year-old Barron Hilton has yet to really capture the world's imagination the way his older sisters Paris and Nicky have, his wealthy parents perhaps waiting until he turns 21 before gifting him with his very own orange-faced pet flack to encourage such profile-building. And while some suspected the Hilton family's dominant Shameless Famewhoring Gene may have skipped him entirely, the young heir may just have that Hilton magic after all, having been picked up this morning in Malibu for a DUI:

Benedict Fitzgerald was the screenwriter selected by Mel Gibson in the spring of 2001 to write The Passion of the Christ. By all accounts, the process was a bloodletting, each subsequent rewrite returned awash in red-ink suggestions of, "Way more flesh rending here," "Watch out for those tricky Aramaic verb tenses!" and, "Maybe add, 'Don't blame us. This is all the Jews' fault!'...Or is that too on the nose?" Eventually, a draft was delivered that would become the blueprint for one of the most successful independent films of all time: a $30 million-budgeted production that returned $612 million in worldwide box office receipts. Yesterday, Fitzgerald filed suit against Gibson, accusing Gibson of fraud and breach of contract, and demanding no less than $5 million in damages from the Malibu land czar:

Danny Glover was convicted for trespassing on a Niagara Falls Sheraton, after having taken part in a 2006 protest for UNITE HERE, a union dedicated to increasing "salaries and improve working conditions for hotel workers in the U.S. and Canada." With sentencing set for February 8, Glover only offered that he would "gladly self-immolate on behalf of my bellhop brothers and chambermaid sisters." [AP]

At this very moment, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline (and Steve Carell, but let's not needlessly complicate things) are back at the L.A. County Courthouse for yet another custody hearing to determine what contingencies are to be placed on access to her own children. (You'll recall visitation rights were revoked following her recent Van Halen 5150-hold hospitalization incident.) Wait! A shocking development has played out in the time it took to type that last sentence:

Celebrity wife-killer O.J. Simpson spent the last five days in jail, the result of having left threatening, profanity-laced messages for the co-defendants in his Vegas hotel room armed shit-reclamation case. Clark County Judge Jackie Glass was not amused:

An update to the seriously depressing Roger Avary fatal DUI car accident story: Avary's wife Gretchen is now expected to survive. His publicist released this statement: "Roger wishes to publicly convey his heartfelt condolences to the family of the deceased. Words cannot express how sorry he is, and this tragic accident will always haunt him." He faces his arraignment Friday. [AP]

There's a sequence towards the middle of Ari Gold-client Mary J. Blige's "No More Drama" video in which the soul diva, destroyed by so many loves having gone sour, tears a Manhattan Yellow Pages in half with one swipe of her bulging pythons— a triumphant symbol of how she'll never be taken for a ride again. But in light of recent allegations that she and many other hip-hoppers have been buying and using steroids and HGH, the scene—to say nothing of the title of her new album, "Growing Pains"—takes on ominous new implications: