The play “Cats” returned to Broadway this week, which is all fine and good, but let’s talking about opening night, the Page Six description of which sounds like the kind of fever dream Mario Lopez might have if he took three Valium with a bottle of Kombucha and fell asleep in the sun.

A study finds that people who have “recurrent bouts of extreme, impulsive anger” are more than twice as likely to carry a parasite that is transmitted through the feces of infected cats. Eating cat butt make you mad.

In an interview with the Independent on Sunday, Jeremy Corbyn, leader of the British Labour party, has explained that he calls his cat, “The Cat.” Actually, he calls it “El Gato.”

According to what I’ve been reading, the year is 2015, and men are still refusing to eat pussies. What are you—crazy?

Cats are known the world over for being evil little shits. And this cat is also an evil little shit. But this cat puts his evil ways to use for the good of all living things, waging war for a thousand generations against flutists. The flute is the thing that is worse than cats, and this good cat, rather than compound his badness by playing the flute, is taking a stand. That puts him on the side of the right. Good cat.

Oh man, I thought I’d seen some cool cats. Like some really cool ones. I realize now how wrong I’ve been, because this cat—wow—this cat is really something else.

[Weird cat voice] “Hey, guy, what’s good?”

Well, oh, shit: a live animal was just put through an x-ray scanner at LAX.

On Sunday, an Alaska house cat had a clear message for a nosy black bear, telling the interloper (in the universal language of clawing), “Hey, big guy, get lost!”

In searching for a Father’s Day present for my stepdad, I hit up all the best sites: Amazon.com, google: “father’s day”, HomeDepot.com, and finally Etsy. While my returns on the first three were lackluster—what’s he going to do with another grill spatula with a light wood handle?—I was surprised to learn that Etsy really came through for a gal in need.

Looking for some new shirts?

What was it that Fight Club-quoting weird guy who lived on your floor sophomore year always used to say? Ah, yes: “The things you own... end up... owning you.” And guess what, it’s true!

A Texas veterinarian has been fired and is under investigation after posting a photograph of herself holding up a dead cat to Facebook, My San Antonio reports. The woman also bragged about having killed the cat with a bow and arrow.

Richard Hovan, a 33-year-old former prep school teacher, is accused of having sex with his 16-year-old student. The two were apparently discovered in 2011 by Hovan's now ex-fiancé, who snapped a photo of the two in flagrante delicto, an open bottle of lube on the table. Hovan testified in Manhattan Supreme Court this week that he couldn't have possibly opened the bottle of lube—but his cat might have. "My cats open the fridge, they open the cabinet, all of those things. I don't know," Hovan said.

The mangled hell cat pictured above has had a shitty week. First, the cat—named Bart—was hit by a car. Then, thinking his cat was dead, Bart's owner buried him. But Bart wasn't dead.

Are these videos funny? Yes. Are they cruel? Not really. Do they demonstrate the need for dogs and cats to unite as one and overthrow their human overlords, putting them under the blade or at least in an embarrassing Aladdin costume or two?

"I messed up and accidentally sold my girlfriend's cat," a Portland, Ore., man named Roy Dufek posted on Reddit earlier this month. "While she was at work I helped her out by selling the two beds she had in her apartment because we were going to use my better beds that I had at my house. Little did I know when the cat is scared it hides inside the box spring."

More than 1,000 cats stolen by cat traffickers in northeast China were rescued after their owners found each other on the Internet and collaborated with local law enforcement, Sky News reports.