Earlier this year, Catholic University president John Garvey vowed to get rid of co-ed dorms, lest his school further descend into the depths of liquor-soaked "nun and priest"-themed heterosexual orgies. Is mere sexxxual segregation enough to tame the devilish sexxx hormones of sexxxy young sexxx-crazed students at the very peak of their sexxxuality?

Is Catholic-filled Catholic University a "den of sin," infested with more STDs than your average koala bear? One can scarcely draw any other conclusion, based on the fact that the school's president now believes he must forcefully segregate students of opposite genders from one another, lest all this hot, hot sexxx continue unabated.

Today marked a proud moment in the lives of graduating students and their families at Catholic University. Years of hard work and determination had finally paid off. And then John Boehner rolled in to deliver the commencement speech.