· After a summerlong run of sequel-clogged weekends where the eventual winner of the box office battle was all too obvious, the outcome of the upcoming Die Hard vs. Ratatouille fight seems up for grabs. We're not betting against Pixar, even though we'll probably wind up watching John McClane blow shit up. [Variety]
· Oh yeah Die Hard made $9.1 million on Wednesday, its first official day of release. Is that a lot? We're not good with midweek box office record data. [THR]
· Universal signs up erstwhile Biggest Comedy Star In the World Jim Carrey for Sober Buddies, one of those magical projects with a title so concise that we don't have to waste any time explaining it. (OK, OK, Carrey is a Sober Buddy who falls off the wagon while helping an alcoholic pal on a business trip in Vegas. Hilarity ensues, etc etc.) [Variety]
· 3.2 million viewers tuned in to CNN to for Larry King's post-jail interview with Paris Hilton. While this was King's highest rated show since 2005, consider that three times more people watched So You Think You Can Dance on Wednesday night if you'd like to feel a little better about the public's TV-watching taste levels. [THR]
· We would never ask you to start thinking about the Oscars in late June. That's just sick, really. [Variety]

· Contrary to a previous report, the head of Germany's Bundesanstalt fuer Immobilienaufgaben says that the government won't stop Tom Cruise and his Valkyrie production from shooting on their historical military sites because he's a Scientologist, and should grant the movie a film permit as long as Cruise promises that any massage-and-Dianetics tents he plans on installing on their set won't distract members of the Ministry of Defense from their day-to-day duties. [Variety]
· On Wednesday night, Fox's dancing competition triumphs over ABC's celebrity-impersonator and insane-inventor competitions, as well as NBC's struggling-comedian competition. Please, do yourself a favor and cover your television in a sheet that you swear not to remove until September. [THR]
· The following elements have been attached to Body of Lies, an adaptation of a CIA-set novel by David Ignatius: actor Russell Crowe; actor Leonardo DiCaprio; director Ridley Scottl screenwriter William Monahan. [Variety]
· Do you ache for more Tom Selleck MOW appearances? Suffer no more, for CBS has ordered another installment of the actor's Jesse Stone series. [THR]
· Hunky-but-still-serious actor Ryan Gosling joins Mummy refugee Rachel Weisz in Peter Jackson's adaptation of The Lovely Bones. [Variety]

· Hollywood invades the Middle East! MGM partners with a Jordanian animation company on a 26-episode Pink Panther & Pals cartoon series, while Paramount plans to erect a theme park in Dubai that exploits properties like Top Gun, Titanic, Mission: Impossible, and many, many others. Visitors to the UAE park will be moved by an animatronic Effie's emotional delivery of "I'm Telling You I'm Not Going" on Dreamgirls: The Ride. [Variety, Variety]
· Get excited: Legendary Pictures will pump $1 billion into its co-financing and co-production deal with Warner Bros. Who can't get psyched when multimedia conglomerates and financing entities hook up to minimize the financial risks of producing another overbudget Superman sequel? [THR]
· In the most hotly anticipated hosting announcement of the largely unwatched summer TV season, Joey Fatone will oversee the smooth operation of NBC's karaoke clusterfuck The Singing Bee. [Variety]
· Speaking of the summer TV wasteland, Fox wins the 18-49 demo with Top Chef: Shouty, Brain-Damaged Edition, while NBC fails to win behind a two-hour, all-Mark-Consuelos-hosted block of our new favorite shows, Kittens Vs. Cougars and the premiering Science Vs. Penis. [THR]
· Even with American Idol drawing tens of millions of teenagers away from their MySpaces twice a week, Fox's median viewer age passed 40 for the first time last season. Expect some emergency counterprogramming in the form of the Wilmer Valderrama-hosted So You Think You Can Watch Our Channel, You Old Fuck? [Variety]

· Aaron Sorkin returns to Broadway with The Farnsworth Invention, a play about the birth of television, the deliciously flawed storytelling medium he recently sought to redeem with a little-seen primetime serial about the life-or-death stakes involved in producing a weekly sketch comedy show. [Variety]
· Thomas Haden Church is in negotiations to join Sandra Bullock in All About Steve, a romantic comedy that should reinvigorate the moribund genre by focusing on the previously unseen pairing (we think?) of a lady who writes crosswords and a CNN cameraman. [THR]
· Michael Moore's Sicko sells out the single NY screen on which it debuted, bringing in $70,000 over the weekend. [Variety]
· The Agent Dance, Abbreviated Mid-Level Actresses We Can't Get Excited About Edition: Heroes' Hayden Panettiere signs with WMA, while Julia Stiles hooks up with ICM. [Variety, THR]
· Cartoon Network and Hasbro are co-producing a new Transformers animated series, which will reimagine the property as a "superheroes story" with robots featuring "a lot more human qualities, allowing kids to identify with the characters" they will soon mindlessly consume in an all-new toy line. [THR]

· Remember that Tom Cruise guy? Black Book's Carice Van Houten will be starring opposite him in Valkyrie, Cruise's big Hitler-hunting comeback picture. [THR]
· A big day in Cruise news: Daniel Snyder, who famously hooked up Cruise with some rent money and a theme-park greeter job when the actor was down on his luck after his dumping by Paramount, has bought Dick Clark Productions, producers of the Golden Globes. Ownership of Dick Clark himself was not transferred in the deal. [Variety]
· Jack Black and director Todd Phillips are partnering for the Warner Bros. comedy Man-Witch, whose entire concept is encapsulated in those incredibly efficient hyphenated words. Also mistakenly purchased before the magic-related project were the rights to Manwich, the story of a average schlub's love of Sloppy Joe-style sandwiches, when the Warner Bros. development executive yelped "We're buying it if Jack Black is in it!" before allowing the writers to complete their pitch. [Variety]
· NBC scores with their Dateline interview of Princes William and Harry, but our new favorite summer show, Kittens Vs. Cougars: The Battle To Bone Mark Philippoussis, premiered unimpressively for the network. [THR]
· Disney signs Wild Hogs auteur Walt Becker to a first-look deal, where he will direct and produce a variety of John Travolta-starring comedy projects. [Variety]

· Watch out, Hollywood, because here comes Mitch Albom: Adam Sandler has acquired the rights to feature-writing debut (an untitled baseball comedy, if you must know) of the Five People You Meet On One More Tuesday With Morrie author, whose treacly bestsellers have been previously adapted into housewife-narcotizing TV movies. [Variety]
· In today's strangest casting pairing, Jude Law and Forest Whitaker will star in Universal's "futuristic adventure thriller" Repossession Mambo. [Variety]
· In other buddy-casting news, Owen "The Butterscotch Stallion" Wilson and Nick "The Unkillable Aging Thoroughbred" Nolte have signed on to star in the Ben Stiller-directed comedy Tropic Thunder, which should create an amusing "before and after" Hollywood tableau the first time the actors share a two-shot. [Variety]
· Pirated copies of Michael Moore's Sicko proliferated on the YouTubes over the weekend, two weeks before the docimentary's opening. [THR]
· Today in writers' strike saber-rattling: The WGA West has warned its members to ignore the same old bullshit that studios are likely to spew as negotiations for a new labor agreement begin next month, such as claims that they are losing money in this terribly unprofitable entertainment business." Charges of counterbullshit by the studios include the accusation that the union is "out of touch with fast-changing showbiz realities." [Variety]

· Displaying the kind of out-of-the-box vision that recently won him NBC's top programming job at the tender age of 19 (so young, we know!), Ben Silverman has acquired the rights to the Colombian televovela Sin tetas no hay paraiso (Without Breasts There is No Paradise), the story of a woman who seeks a breast enlargement as a solution to her poverty and gets entangled in prostitution. "I scour the world for the best ideas and for the game-changing hit shows and Sin Tetas is one of those shows," crowed Silverman about his get. "Dude, it's like my huge ABC success Ugly Betty, but with hookers and big tits. I've got another winner here, I just know it." [Variety]
· And with leadership like that, why wouldn't NBC Universal be "upbeat" about their network's prospects? [THR]
· The Middle East is hottest war-torn setting in Hollywood right now, with "at least six" films about the region on the way between June and early 2008. [Variety]
· Bruce Willis and daughter Rumer will spend some quality time together building up their family business on the set of The Sophomore, a "teenage take on Chinatown." Unfortunately, Mischa Barton, once famously out-acted by some scene-hogging patio furniture in a pivotal moment on The OC, is also attached to the intriguing project. [THR]
· Speaking of the Willis family business, Rumer step-dad Ashton Kutcher is producing another movie. Details available, but uninteresting. [Variety]

· Neither a second straight mind-scrambling week of screening its contestants' application films nor a renewed, audience-distracting focus on host Adrianna Costa's cleavage has increased interest in Fox's deeply fucked troubled On the Lot, which drew just 2.9 million viewers and now stands accused of poisoning people against perfectly good House reruns. If things don't turn around quickly (or if the show isn't mercy killed by the end of June), look for EP Steven Spielberg to withdraw the $1 million DreamWorks deal prize, leaving the scrambling network to replace it with a four-week intership as the guy in charge of getting hot extras' phone numbers for Week One judge Brett Ratner. [Variety]
· What's Jennifer Aniston up to these days, besides appearing on the cover of Us Weekly underneath headlines about her ongoing struggle to cope with her 2005 divorce from Brad Pitt? You know, this n' that, a little producing, a little acting. Just stuff! [THR]
· Tapping the same creative mother lode that yielded plans for a Ice Cube-led Welcome Back Kotter remake, Screen Gems is updating The Big Chill with an African-American cast. The full talent roster isn't set, but Terrence Howard is in early negotiations to reprise Kevin Costner's casket-filling role. [Variety]
· William Hurt joins Ed Norton and Tim Roth in Marvel Studios' Hulk project, which continues its curious obsession with collecting talented actors for a comic book movie. [THR]
· Rachel Weisz will star in the Peter Jackson-directed adaptation of The Lovely Bones, a fine choice for a movie we're actually looking forward to. [Variety]

· Universal is partnering with environmentally conscious marketers to promote Evan Almighty, culminating in a spectacular stunt in which the studio will flood its Universal City theme park, washing away thousands of tourists to emphasize the film's uplifting, "green" message that God will kill us all if we don't take better care of our planet. [Variety]
· Michael Moore seeks out, receives free publicity for upcoming film about the American health care system. [THR]
· The details of the project are unimportant to us, but let it be known that Jennifer Connelly, whom we would pay to watch folding laundry or waiting in line at the DMV, has taken on a new movie project. Unfortunately, the husband is also involved. [Variety]
· CBS Corp despot Les Moonves calls Dan Rather's critical remarks about successor Katie Couric's "dumbing down" and "tarting up" of his beloved evening news broadcast "sexist." Expect the mouthy ex-anchor to be found dead of an apparent heart attack by the end of the day. [THR]
· The ratings for Sunday night's Sopranos finale are in, and its average of 11.9 million viewers easily surpassed the mark set by HBO sibling Sex and the City's controversial last episode, in which the sassy, shoe-loving ladies were unexpectedly whacked by a vengeance-obsessed Mario Cantone. [Variety]

· Director Steve Miner is given the opportunity to exploit Jessica Simpson's prodigious acting talent in Major Movie Star, the story of an amazingly Jessica Simpson-like Hollywood bimbo who joins the Marines to prove that she can play the part of someone in the military. [Variety]
· Yesterday's overall-deal-granting insanity bleeds into today, as even the No.2 guy on Bones is getting seven figures for his writing and development services over the next two years. Gushed 20th Century Fox TV president Dana Walden as she stuffed handfuls of high-denomination currency into burlap bags emblazoned with cartoonish dollar signs, "He can write comedy, drama, character pieces, procedurals ... he can do it all!" [THR]
· Broadway casting shocker! Nathan Lane to star in a musical comedy. [Variety]
· Puzzlingly, the cast of Law & Order: Criminal Intent is grumbling about not being offered raises for next season. Don't these delusional ingrates know how easily they can be replaced by the cheaper talent that foams Dick Wolf's cappuccinos each morning? [THR]
· Little-publicized ensemble drama Ocean's 13 hopes to prove that labors of love can be profitable at the box office. [Variety]

· Despite Fox's attempts to boost the struggling On the Lot's fortunes by editing the show into a more compact, once-a-week, we-will-give-five-dollars-to-anyone- who-can-explain-what-the-fuck- is-going-on-at-any-given-moment format, the show draws just 3.1 million viewers in what we assume will be one of its last airings. We did, however, enjoy Michael Bay's guest judge appearance, during which he repeatedly shared his moviemaking philosophy of "get a good editor and cinematographer and they'll cover for your lack of talent," then seemed barely able to restrain himself from hitting on the director of his favorite film. [THR]
· Shadowy Hollywood Foreign Press puppetmaster Phillip Berk is replaced by five-time president Jorge Camara, who assumes the important tasks of coordinating his organization's locust-like decimation of the industry's free buffets and the handing out of meaningless awards to shitfaced actors. [Variety]
· The Agent Dance Mini Edition: UTA poaches agent Sarah Clossey from Paradigm, potentially absorbing a middling client list that includes Amanda Peet's Shouty NBS Boss and The One Jim Could Never Love As Much As Pam. [THR]
· Peter O'Toole joins the cast of Showtime's The Tudors for seven episodes as Pope Paul III, a performance that's preemptively been nominated for an Emmy. [Variety]
· Judd Apatow Comedy HegemonyWatch: The Apatow-produced, Seth Rogen-starring Pineapple Express is given a summer '08 release date following the success of Knocked Up. [Variety]

· Time Warner officially announces that interim CEO Bill Nelson will be permanently replacing the recently shitcanned Chris Albrecht, confident that their newly installed leader will keep himself free of PR-nightmare altercations at Vegas valet stands. [Variety]
· Idol runner-up Katherine McPhee will make her acting debut in the "indie dark romantic comedy" Last Caller, a part that will reportedly require no singing, and, hopefully, pave the way for the trashier roles that we've envisioned for her ever since her first cattle-call audition appearance. [THR]
· Universal president/COO Ron Meyer signs on for another five years running the company, extending his reign through 2012. Gushes boss Jeff Zucker, "He knows the business inside and out and has an incredible eye for talent, and inspires intense loyalty. He is a crucial part of NBC Universal's success, but I will not hesitate to feed him to the animatronic Jaws at the Universal Studios theme park if that becomes necessary for the advancement of my own career." [THR]
· Publicity-whoring magic rival David Blaine to issue press release calling Cameron Diaz's new boyfriend a "pussy" for not filling the Times Square death-box he just escaped from with water. [THR]
· The studios releasing this summer's fast-starting sequel blockbusters (Spidey/Pirates/Shrek 3) are finding that overseas audiences are much more tolerant of disappointing crap than their American counterparts. [Variety]

· Local comedy monopolist Judd Apatow continues to integrate the industry's mirth-making entities into his rapidly expanding humor-producing conglomerate, collaborating with Jack Black, Knocked Up's Harold Ramis, Superbad's Michael Cera, and an Office writing team on Year One for Columbia. [Variety]
· The dust is finally starting to settle at a post-Albrechtgate HBO, with "longtime Albrecht right-hand man" Michael Lombardo reportedly being promoted to a new job overseeing all west coast operations. [THR]
· Jim Carrey will star in the dark comedy I Love You Phillip Morris (by Bad Santa's Glenn Ficarra and John Requa), an idea pitched as Catch Me if You Can meets Brokeback Mountain. There is no direct Judd Apatow involvement that we can discern, a fact that could doom the promising project to eventual turnaround. [Variety]
· Imagine superproducer Brian Grazer's unparalleled Bacon-attaching skills lead to ubiquitous actor Kevin joining the cast of Frost/Nixon, the big-screen adaptation of the Peter Morgan play. [THR]
· The U.S. 2nd Circuit Court of Appeals throws out the FCC's "capricious" rulings against Fox over Cher saying "fuck" and Nicole Richie "shit" during broadcasts of the 2002 and 2003 Billboard Music Awards, a landmark decision that reaffirms an awards show presenter's right to "accidentally" swear on live TV. [Variety]

· New NBC golden boy Ben Silverman is already hard at work, talking disgruntled Donald Trump down from a Trump Tower ledge by reopening talks about possibly bringing back The Apprentice. "I can see this guy is gonna be a star," says Trump, appreciating the business savvy of a player who might not be afraid to throw away untold millions to return his low-rated show to primetime. [Variety]
· Dania "The One Who Drove AJ Soprano To Suicide" Ramirez will join Heroes as a series regular. (Hey, she's got mutant experience from X-Men 3.) While her "powers are being kept under wraps," producers are rumored to still be deciding between superhuman Rollerblading skills and the ability to make the world's most delicious sandwiches. [THR]
· The Canadian government quickly surrenders to visiting California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, helpless against his onslaught of tired movie catchphrases meant to communicate the importance of introducing tougher anti-piracy legislation. [Variety]
· Not that you might possibly care, but USA won the cable rights to Pirates 3, completing its acquisition of all three installments of the franchise. [THR]
· Pirate Master (which we actually watched, God help us, confirming our suspicion that it's nothing more than Survivor with an eyepatch and a big boat) is off to a weak start for CBS. None of us are going to make it through the summer TV season alive, we can feel it already. [Variety]

At first, we thought that some editor at Parade (motto: "When the Cerritos Pennysaver's celebrity coverage is too hard hitting, we're there for you.") was trying to slyly undermine the above pullquote (from this Sunday's issue) about Jessica Alba's ambitious plan to produce movies with empowering female roles by reminding everyone that her greatest critical accolade is the coveted "Sexiest Performance" Golden Tub of Popcorn. But then we realized that when the actress really gets her producing career rolling, those are exactly the parts she'll develop for herself, proving to the white males who control Hollywood that she no longer needs them to cast her in the stripper roles that best show off her talents.

· Finally, some good news for Lindsay Lohan: After convincing Poor Things producers Shirley MacLaine and Rob Hickman that she's confident she'll be able to step right in and disrupt their production with blown call times and suspicious absences the moment she gets out of rehab, they've agreed to rearrange their shooting schedule to accommodate the troubled actress's inconvenient trip to Promises. [Variety]
· Proving once again that there is no comic book franchise Hollywood won't take a crack at adapting, Warner Bros. is producing a live-action version of DC sidekick title (Robin! Kid Flash! Aqualad! The Bastard Son Who Keeps Tagging Along When Green Lantern Is Trying To Fight Sinestro!*) Teen Titans. [THR]
· Little Miss Sunshine writer Michael Arndt, contracted to script a remake of the 1939 comedy Midnight for Universal, might need to get some better dreams: "Being given the chance to update the film with Reese [Witherspoon] in the lead is simply a dream come true." [Variety]
· Just throw a brick through your TV screen and buy a new one in the Fall: So You Think You Can Dance wins Wednesday night for Fox. [THR]
· How hot is 1939 right now? Writer/director Diane English is going forward with a long-gestating remake of 1939's The Women, assembling what she hopes is the ultimate chick flick cast, one that spans generations and levels of acting ability: Meg Ryan, Annette Bening, Eva Mendes, Jada Pinkett Smith, Debra Messing, and Candice Bergen. [Variety]
[*Probably not a real character, so please, no e-mails.]

· Let the CancellationWatch begin: After finishing fifth on Monday night with about 3 million viewers, On the Lot's ratings creep up to a still-anemic 4 million on Tuesday. We recommend that you enjoy judge Carrie Fisher's desperate attempts to marry off her daughter to the "next Spielberg" while you still can. [Variety, Variety]
· But here's some news sure to cheer you up: Dane Cook continues to work, and is in negotiations to star in comedy Bachelor No. 2, in which he'll play an asshole who tries to drive girls back to the guys they just dumped by taking them on hilariously bad dates. [THR]
· As if sleeping underneath an autographed photo of NBC legend Brandon Tartikoff as a child didn't prove new NBC co-chairman Ben Silverman's love of all things Peacock, he lets the industry know just how badly he ached for the gig: "I am taking a massive financial hit, which is a testament to how passionate I am about this job." Ah, there's nothing more heartwarming than a former agent publicly disclosing the pay cut he's allegedly taking to chase his Hollywood dream. [Variety]
· Meanwhile, Silverman will remain involved at Reveille (with which NBC extended its first-look deal for another two years) as a silent owner and won't have a financial stake in its new shows, a well-thought-out arrangement that is sure to be utterly free of troubling conflicts of interest. Everyone wins! [Variety]
· Ashton Kutcher's Katalyst Films signs an overall deal with CBS Corp., a move that clearly establishes the Punk'd star and up-and-coming producer as the eventual successor to Les Moonves, himself a former terrible actor with boundless ambition. [THR]

· Mike Myers is the latest star to try and take a whack at the long-gestating remake of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, which has now moved from Paramount to 20th Century Fox, and to which Owen "The Butterscotch Stalliion" Wilson and Jim "My Career's Way Too Cold To Have A Decent Nickname" Carrey were once attached. [Variety]
· MTV Games has announced a Jackass video game, which will ship with a special controller that will deliver blunt-force trauma to a player's genitals or emit flatulence in his face as he steers Johnny Knoxville and his gang through a variety of wacky stunts. [THR]
· Fox's American Idol predictably dominates in its timeslot, but there's some potentially bad news for the network: the preview/premiere of On the Lot opens to a weak number, calling into serious question Brett Ratner's TV drawing power. [Variety]
· Cuba Gooding Jr. will produce and play a pivotal janitor role in "edgy," Napoloean Dynamite-esque teen comedy Harold. [THR]
·Writers' collectives are so hot right now: Screenwriters like Christopher "Usual Suspects" McQuarrie, John "Undercover Brother" Ridley, and Naomi "Jake and Maggie's Mom" Foner Gyllenhaal have formed the 1.3.9 co-op, joining forces to help each other maintain more control over the creative process.

· Robert Rodriguez will direct a remake of 1968 Jane Fonda sci-fi spank vehicle Barbarella for Universal; producer Dino De Laruentiis describes their plans for the project thusly: "In our vision, the future is female, and I can't wait to introduce 'Barbarella' to a new generation of moviegoers." We think we know where he's going with this: space lesbians! [Variety]
· Realizing that launching a hopeful summer blockbuster in the magical month of May seems to boost even the most disappointing of mega-budgeted sequels to record-breaking heights, studios are rushing to claim May release dates for their 2008 and 2009 movies. [THR]
· Broadway Out of Ideas: The Addams Family is being adapted into a musical, scheduled to hit the stage in 2009-10 season. Is it too early to make the easy joke about slapping a Gomez moustache on Hugh Jackman? [Variety]
· Following its corporate parent's "NBCU2.0" mandate to get both cheaper and dumber across all divisions, NBC News shitcans anchor Stone Phillips after 15 years on Dateline, replacing him with a non-union model who will open a briefcase that may or may not contain a videotape of that evening's stories. [THR]
· Richard Gere will take time off from his busy schedule of publicly despoiling Bollywood actresses to produce and star in Hachiko: a Dog's Story. [Variety]

· Cannes update: Films receiving early praise at Cannes include the Coen brothers' No Country For Old Men, the abortion drama 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days, and Zodiac, which feels like it was released in America three years ago. You may now return to not caring about what's going on in France (unless it involves Jerry Seinfeld in a bee suit. That was so awesome!) [Variety]
· Because we know that you can't sleep if you don't know what Julia Roberts is up to: She's set to star in a movie based on the the life of African wildlife conservationist Joan Root. Or have more babies and take another five years off from the demands of being Hollywood's Biggest Female Star, depending on her mood. [THR]
· The Emmys are "one step closer" to moving from the Shrine to the shiny new Nokia Theater being built downtown, a change of venue that the TV Academy promises won't have any impact on the show's reliably low entertainment value. [Variety]
· The season finales of Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters overcome token competition from the other networks, giving ABC an underwhelming Sunday night ratings victory. [THR]
· Var provides possibly unreliable evidence that Goldie Hawn is still alive. [Variety]