Summer is in full swing, so you know what that means: Monsters! It was exactly one year ago today that we first reported on the Montauk Monster and now something that looks like Monty's cousin has emerged in Toronto. Alive!

Canada, that den of thieves suspiciously crouching directly above us, is a hotbed of anti-American extremist violence. That is why the Department of Homeland Security is dismantling a pretty sign at a border crossing.

Yesterday we told you Kodak was offering $5000 to anyone who could track down the boy with the rose who was shunned by Megan Fox recently. Well it looks as though one of our readers found him—On Facebook!

Perhaps he felt inspired by Mark Sanford's apology, or fears being charged with a hate crime, but something came over Perez Hilton tonight, as he took to his website and offered a self-congratulatory apology for being a heinous jackass.

Oh. Oh no. Oh no they didn't. Today in "Onion Stories Come True": The city of Toronto adds some diversity—magically!

So the other day we posted an item about Canada's "Governor General" Michaelle Jean taking a knife to a seal and eating it's heart. In a playful attempt at absurdist humor, we compared Jean to America's own lady killing machine, Sarah Palin. This did not go over well in Canada.

No one even noticed, but the guy who used to be the president, Chimpy McHitler, has disappeared. Is he in heaven? Or jail? No, worse: he is in Canada. George W. Bush will never return to America.

So in Canada they have this thing called the "Governor General," which is some sort of viceroy or something appointed by the Queen of England, and her name is Michaelle Jean. Yesterday, Jean kicked off a tour of Canada's Arctic region by gutting a seal and eating its heart raw.

Toronto mayor enlists Sandra Oh in crippling Hollywood coup. [MyHogtown]

All you have to do to win this exciting opportunity to drive to Canada is enter a curling competition in Bryant Park! Tell us more, Canadian Tourism Board.

As we learned last week, the Canadian "government" just collapsed, thanks in part to the queen. Having an unstable failed state right on top of America is obviously an untenable situation. So we're calling in the Air Force! Starting in January, unmanned Predator drones will take off from Grand Forks, North Dakota and patrol the northern U.S. border, protecting us all from sleazy Canadian foot-severing terrorists. This is obviously an important part of the war on terror and not just a colossal waste of resources. [AP/Google]

Sure, we got problems, but at least the Queen of England didn't indirectly shut down our government. Sucks to be Canada! [Slate]

Shenae Grimes's big break came when she was cast in Degrassi III: The Search for Joey Jeremiah, only the most recent incarnation of the long-running Canadian teen drama. She then went on to nab the central role on The CW's much-hoopla'd 90210, rendering the Canadian actress a full-fledged U.S. American celebrity—instantly sending her on a nerve-wracking crash quest to rid herself of telltale Torontoisms like pronouncing sorry "sore-y" and smiling a lot for no reason. Upon returning to her native land to attend this year's Gemini Awards ("Celebrating semi-outstanding achievement in Canadian television since the Mulroney administration™"), however, Grimes was reportedly less than magnanimous to the modest, beaver-rearing stock from which she came:

If you've ever seen the full extended versions of The Lord of the Rings trilogy, you know how much you missed out in the theaters. It's like that every week now with The Office, whose expanded cast and tendency for short scenes sometimes makes you feel like you're reading a condensed Reader's Digest story. Show creator Greg Daniels helps the situation by posting two of the week's deleted scenes online each week. The cutting room floor material is almost more fun than the actual show, and that's the case in two delightful clips that somehow didn't end up in this week's ep.When it comes to the audience for The Office, an hour did initially feel too long. But the show's ensemble cast has gone much further than the BBC series in developing storylines and conflicts. Twenty-two minutes is just not enough time to follow the show's umpteen characters properly. More Stanley is just never a bad thing. Since consumers are getting used to dictating the amount of time they spend interacting with a given piece of content, it almost makes sense to offer the long version for those who prefer a more full-featured Office, and show a clipped, digestible edition for those who don't want the extra few scenes. Until that kind of choice is possible, or the show's spin-off kills our desire for more Office, we'll have to deal with the abbreviated version.

You'll have to forgive us for being a little too preoccupied with events going on in our own backyards to notice what's been going on lately up in America's tuque, Canada. Let's see: last we checked in, a Chinese immigrant on a Greyhound bus that boarded in Edmonton had decapitated and cannibalized another passenger on a desolate stretch of highway—definitely one of those instances where all the universal health care in the world isn't really going to do much good. Now comes news of a Dexter-obsessed, suspected killer living in the same bloodcicle wasteland, named Mark Andrew Twitchell.Some background: An Edmonton local named Johnny Brian Altinger went mysteriously missing early in October after setting up an internet date with a woman he had never met. Cops seized a screenplay by filmmaker Twitchell in which a male killer who works in a forensics unit (just like Dex) lures "a cheating husband to his death through an Internet dating scam in which he pretends to be a woman." In the story, the husband is decapitated with a power saw. Twitchell was arrested on Halloween night, on suspicion of having enacted out his murderous fantasies on Altinger in his garage (pictured). Told of the development, Dexter EP Melissa Rosenberg admitted the gruesome crime confirmed her worst, "our lovable leading serial killer has finally reaped what he's sown!" fears:

Four disembodied right feet washed up on the shores of British Columbia (which is in Canada) between August of last year and this summer. Then a left foot washed up. Then another right foot washed up, but that was a hoax. Apparently we missed a foot or two because number seven has just made it to the banks of the Fraser River in Richmond, B.C.. This one is a left foot, wearing a New Balance sneaker, which means it might be a match for one of the right feet. The foot was found by a local city council candidate! "I poked it with a stick. I didn't want to touch it. It was really hard material inside the shoe. I picked it up and put it in a bag and it was very heavy," he said. The Mounties say there's no specific evidence of foul play but hey guys, seven disembodied human feet have washed up on land. [CBC]

Ehud "The Analyzer" Tenenbaum, who became world-famous when he and a number of fellow Israeli and California teens successfully exploited a vulnerability in Sun Solaris to gain access to computers at Nasa, Andrews Air Force Base and the Department of Defense, is in jail. Earlier this month he was arrested in Montreal on suspicion of having helped defraud credit card companies of $1.8 million. Wired dug up a slickly produced, pretty entertaining video produced by the FBI a year after the intrusion.I happened to be in Tel Aviv when Tenenbaum turned himself in to Israeli authorities on the day he was set to report for compulsory military service — he was treated as something of a national hero, a symbol of Israel's technology prowess, with even then Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu praising him as "damn good." Tenenbaum ended up with probation and community service instead of jail time. So it wasn't with much surprise when I read Tenenbaum's mother calling the arrest a frame-up by the FBI. The truth? The prepaid credit card scam described is a classic modus operandi in Canadian tweaker circles, at least as described in Zero Day Threat. And Tenenbaum certainly had to chops to pull it off, with the cast of fellow suspects who've been released probably participating as mules to make transactions. So once again, I'm betting Canadian dollars to donuts from Tim Horton's on meth.

At the Toronto Film Festival screening of Che, beloved actress Rachel McAdams served as the unofficial ambassador of her native country, Canada. She got the idea when she remembered all of the difficulties she had adjusting to American customs and culture on the set of The Hot Chick in 2002. As she sees it, McAdams' role is to help American film stars become acclimated to the more laid back Canadian lifestyle. McAdams said, "There's not a lot of difference between Canada and America, but if people are confused, they shouldn't hesitate to text me." McAdams handed out pamphlets that featured a metric system conversion chart, as well as a collection of vegan donut shops personally curated by McAdams.

· Yup, that's it. And yet we can't help but get caught up in all the silliness, too. Wolf Blitzer? That sounds like a WWI machine gun! LOL! [Late Night] · "Canada Remains Happily Mediocre," says Canada's official online presence. [Canada.com] · No Nuns on the Catwalk: Eurotrash dance single, or Vatican fashion scandal? [Reuters] · You really haven't lived until you've heard Gwyneth Paltrow make an offhand joke about getting fat she knows will never, ever come to pass...in fluent Spanish! [BWE.tv] · "My dad’s not an idiot — he’s nothing short of a genius, in my opinion," says Jack Osbourne, who's making a movie to repair his father's depiction on The Osbournes as the lovably addled Prince of Darkness and Allowance-Distribution. [RollingStone.com] · Nic Cage, in hair and pictures. [Latino Review]

Movie critic Elvis Mitchell (remember him? crazy-but-readable Times crit in those glorious pre-Manohla fucking Dargis days?) had $12,000 seized by U.S. border guards as he tried to go back home to Detroit from Canada. Mitchell was hiding the money in a cigar box, along with some Cubans, and he declared only $80. When asked by border agents why he had $12,000 in a cigar box, "Mr. Mitchell told the ICE agent the money in the cigar box represented money he (Mitchell) had withdrawn from bank automatic teller machines over a two year period." We're not sure how that explains anything, but there you go. Agents allowed Mitchell to keep $117 of the $300 he had in his wallet. He'll need that to get back to the Turner Classic Movie studios to interview Peter Bogdanovich, right? Excerpts from the criminal complaint attached.